feeling lonely and bored

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
feeling lonely and bored
11
Sun, 03-21-2010 - 4:09pm

This is the second weekend in row that I have not busied myself by having people over to my house. I was socializing so much to keep myself occupied and that was a good thing because being bored and lonely is really dangerous for me. I just don't seem to have the energy today to do anything - no weed pulling or house cleaning - all I want to do is veg. I've been thinking too much about the highs and excitement of the A and not focusing enough on the lows. I've been thinking about how nice it was to have something to look forward to - some reason to look pretty - a little romance and excitement in my life. I guess this is just the fog revisiting me and maybe to be expected after 4 months (once one stops being so vigilant and starts to take the Ending Process for granted.) Anyway, I'm lonely, bored and actually missing my xAP. I HATE that. I hate that I'm still not impervious. This recovery thing sure does take a loooooong time, doesn't it?

My H continues to disappoint me, too, and I'm beginning to think our M is really on it's last legs. I have begun to daydream about leaving and starting a new life. Caught myself looking through the real estate section of the newspaper and wondering if I could afford a new home, sans H. OY!

I'm a little lost lately! Can anyone give me a helpful push?

So glad to have this board to come to.
xo
Dee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Sun, 03-21-2010 - 4:32pm

Dee- you've been so strong and you have been an inspiration to me and I know others on the board. I just wanted to lend you my support and let you know that you are not alone. Just the fact that you are acknowledging that you are bored and lonely, and that you need some support is a step in the right direction. Being brave enough to seek help when you are down or weak is an important step out of the A, i think.

Anyway, I am sorry you are feeling this way today. Just know that this too shall pass, and tomorrow is a new day. One thing I read the other day is on a website called www.eightprinciples.com It made me feel better. I know you are feeling bored, but try to find something, anything, that will pass the time until you can go to bed and wake up tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new day, hang in there.

With love,
Hazel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2008
Sun, 03-21-2010 - 5:16pm

Dee,
Im feeling alot like this too today. I wish I could give you a push in the right direction,but Im just as lost.

But youre not alone in feeling this way. Im questioning, seems like everything; the answers we're looking for has to be coming soon.

DM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2009
Sun, 03-21-2010 - 5:34pm
Dm and Dee - hang in there. :) If we all hang on to each other, we can make it. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Sun, 03-21-2010 - 6:50pm

Dee-


I wish I had words of encouragement, but I am feeling the same way today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sun, 03-21-2010 - 7:56pm

Dear Dee,

Woman, you are having an 'off' day - and personally for me, I find that a relief. Your endless strength and courage had me wondering if you were a super hero. I am relieved to find out that you are human because it makes it seem possible to me that I too will continue to be out of my A.

Up until just a couple of hours ago, I was having one of the worst days since LC/NC (day 17). This weekend I crawled around and had my H (who now lives in a different home thanks to the A) take our children for the weekend - no need to explain how that made my self-loathing soar to new levels. Anyway - I called my H and asked if he could bring the kids home and help me parent them for the evening, as I didn't feel capable to do it on my own today but wanted to see them. I didn't feel like seeing anyone - but I knew the isolation and boredom were killing me. It took about an hour for me to warm up to them being here. I forced myself outside and quickly fell into cleaning up our beautiful yard and enjoying the children play around my H and I.

Now they are gone back to H's and the distractions are gone. I am left alone wondering ... but you know what, just like the other posters have said, these feelings will pass. My xAP certainly didn't waste his weekend thinking about me, wallowing in memories of us and mourning our loss. Nope - not at all. So Dee, snap outta it!

The other issue with you H isn't helpful either. I can imagine how that facilitates remembering you xAP in a warm(er) light - instead of how you actually experienced most of it. I know that part of what keeps me moving forward is the hope that H and I will reconcile, but this gets easily challenged when H screws-up. I notice this is when I start to give myself permission to think about my xAP in 'feel good' ways. Funny, when my xAP screwed-up, which was a lot, I never thought 'well this gives me the incentive to think positively about my H'. Nope - I was too silly to hold him to any standard. I forgave relentlessly, while judging each and every action of my H harshly. Wowzers - its messed.

I hope by the time you read this, you're in a better space, or at least recognizing that you soon will be (-:

Hugs,

Jodi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Sun, 03-21-2010 - 9:01pm

OMFG are you speaking to my problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 03-21-2010 - 10:38pm

Dee and the rest of you all,

I have not been around much as of late. I was feeling a little guilty. I knew if I came here, I would get the cyber beating and touch love I so badly needed...just feeling vunerable and weak. I try not to whine like I used to...try to keep a positive outlook ALL THE TIME...well I aint feeling so positive. Maybe its the P women that always seem to be around me, every where I go....anyway here is my vent....

I am here to confess!! Confess the same as Dee. Hell I am well over 3 months out of dealing with a total jerk, a low down dirty hot mess... and his recent fishing attempts (which have not stopped by the way), are working me over. I am so vulnerable. I am like a little kid who feels alone and afraid of the boogeyman....UGH!! I too get bored, especially when my kids are away. I am so confused as to why this MM will not let me be!! ACTUALLY, I am not confused, he is a selfish man who does not respect me enough to leave me alone and let me heal and be happy with someone who will give me ALL of them...and he does not realize the horrific acts and consequences of his reckless lies and behavior....WHEW!! Wish I could say that to him.

OK, sorry about my brief rant,...So ladies, you see, we all fall. Even us tweeners, even us strong chickas have a bad day or string of em...Dee, momma wish I could take away your pain...and as others have said, you are an inspiration, to me, and to others. While we need you, we also know that you need us and as you can see, considering its the weekend, we are all chiming in to support you and help you continue to be one of our fierce leaders around here.

Jodi, great insight about hubby, when they are acting up, so easy to have positive thoughts about Exap....I find my mind wondering about MM when I am sad, bored, lonely, despressed, angry, tired, stressed....they are unhealthy distraction. RL is hard to deal with. Our fantasy's are so much more convenient.

This thread is proof that there is no real finish line when it comes to these A's. I am not saying we all won't heal and be whole again. I am not saying that we wont be happy again. I am saying that the remnants will always remain. A price we pay. We have to constantly be aware of our behaviors. Some of us may look to other RL coping mechanisms....alcohol, drugs, another A with another person. We really have to STAY on the wagon....we have to watch our patterns and behaviors for years to come. Life changing events (ie a family death or the like) can knock us back on our behinds in a second if we are not careful. We were in A's for a reason. We have to constantly take care of ourselves as best we can...making sure that we never go down those same negative paths or engage in those unhealhty behaviors....and for many of us, that is a real challenge because have been living with whatever issues we have for so incredibly long that we literally have some major life changing work to do....this is no walk in the park. It takes a lot of work. We have to be fervent and steadfast....Its a struggle daily.

Newbies, do not be discouraged...the fact Dee and I have been NC for quite some time, means just that. We have been NC. It does not mean we are over it. It means we have managed our initial withdrawl symptoms. It means that we are just a bit further than you all on this long arduous road. Even the vets (one year or more) have their moments from time to time...I have seen posts from used to be tweeners and vets who happen to fall back in one way or another. Don't assume NC is "its all good."

So ladies, lets call this weekend a wrap...take the "L" so to speak and keep it moving...tomorrow will come, spring is here and new flowers we are. Perhaps last time this year we were all caught up in an A...now we are healing, we are on EAS, we are in IC, we are doing all we can to be our best selves. That is all we can do.

Dee, I hope you feel better in the next couple days. Please let us know how you are...if not, I am sure I will notice when I read one of your great posts that have me laughing and smiling...

Hang in there momma and the rest of you ladies too.

Luvin

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 1:16am

Hi All!


Yes Spring is in the air and I was outside today cutting off some of the flowers that have bloomed and faded. I learned so much about nature today. I am no green thumb. My daughter was but she is gone now so I’m left to tend the flowers that we planted together throughout the last few years.


I have Irises that are blooming and some flowers that have bloomed and faded have left a brown dried up looking blob on the stem. I started to cut it off the dried up part but then I realized further down the stem there was another bloom generating underneath the brown blob.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 8:38am

Thank you, Everyone, for your supportive words. I am getting fired up for the week ahead and keeping in mind all that you've said. E1, the flower bed analogy is beautiful. Thank you so much for that!

I hope my little lull in obnoxious optimism didn't put off any of the newbies! ha. I have bad days and good days, even at this stage, and I realize and accept the necessity of it; I know that recovery and self-improvement is hard work and I appreciate that the lil set backs are reminders that I need to remain committed and not take anything for granted.

Better days ahead for all of us!

xo
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 9:39am

Dee,


You have chimed in and offered your help to me on numerous occasions and being new to this, I dont have too much to offer. But you have helped me so much that I only want to do the same for you.


Its reassuring to know that we will ALL, even the vets and tweeners, have tough days. And as stated earlier, they are made worse when things are tough within our M.


Keep in mind that we need to do what is right for US. If that means staying married or leaving, it will become more clear over time. The A fog and having "fond" memories of XMM just make it harder

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