Feeling Lonely and Sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Feeling Lonely and Sad
5
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 4:54pm

I am having a really hard day!  I should be happy and excited as we are going on a trip with the family tomorrow but instead I am being an anxious crabby mom! I have already cried today and just feel like an emotional wreck.  I am just so sad and missing AP even more so...why am I missing him when I am going away. I was excited booking this trip, I really was. So why do I feel this way??  I am in a bad spot where I want to ask him to meet me so I can still see that he cares but I know what good will that do.

Trying to work on my Marriage but will it ever compare to the passion I once felt?  I feel like I am exhausted trying to capture something that aint there yet I dont want to hurt my H either. Anyways I have been out of sorts all day and finally thought I would try writing it out instead of reaching out to AP where that could possibly ruin my trip all together if I didnt get the response I was looking for or even if I did get the response I was looking for would still make it bad for me.

Just trying to make it thru this big bump today...god Affairs so suck the life out of you!

Thanks for listening to me babble!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 10:35am

Hi Lily,

I understand completely.  I feeling lonely and sad today too.  (And I intend to post about it, because I don't want to reach out to XAP either!)

I just feel like I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  And I want to have a good cry, but it's not quite coming out.

But, I believe that if I just keep going in the direction of integrity and honesty and acceptance, that I WILL get to the other side and become the dignified, wise woman that I wish to be.

So....one day at a time.  That's really all we have.  Is THIS day!

Thinking of you,

~Sunrise

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 6:57pm
Thanks Clarity!! I kind of responded already to this and I think you may be right in some retrospect for sure. It is like an ending....and its hard to let go....so much happened around our Affair ending with a trip so its a trigger for me too.
I won't contact him...I promise...geez I just actually said that didn't I!!!! So I can't do it...I won't do it....I'm staying true to me for my kids right now as I cannto take the chance to contact him and have a miserable mom for the trip. I know as soon as I touch down tomorrow I will have a great time and it will be so so good for me!!!
Thanks for allowing me to vent and come here!!!

Oh and even if I was driving..I never look in my mirror!!! As I have a back up camera....and I can see perfect!!! Lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 6:53pm
Thanks Sunny,
I think I have finally come to that conclusion that I will always have something missing inside me. The only way I seem to inderstand it is when someone dies inexpectedly and it happens mostly when its your child that something forever is gone from you and you can't get it back but like everything life goes on and you just learn to live with it.
I hate having this void. I think part of the reason I am so sad about it when I really think of it is that we always do family vacations every year and this one should have been done a long time ago but I didn't do it because I was in the affair and to me our M was done. So I guess in a way I feel like this is showing to ap that we are back to the way things use to be and in a way I don't know if I want to portray that as I'm not sure I can get my M back. So I'm just emotional about it all. I'm even worried I will start crying when the plane takes off tomorrow as in a way I feel like I am finally shutting the door and that it is over as I'm moving on and trying to work on my M as friggin hard as that is!!! I'm trying to think positive and knowing how excited my kids will be tomorrow when they find out that we are going away....I know that will be amazing for them and that kind of makes me sad too in that I sacrificed their trip they do every year because I was wrapped up with this affair.
Anyways I'm babbling again and I thank you for posting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 5:34pm

Sorry you are having a really hard day.

I'm trying to figure out why this trip has you feeling this way.  I'm wondering if it similar to the sadness I felt when I started dating as I was trying to break free of JAM.  I cried before and after each date...what a mess.  My theory is that by my dating, I was moving forward and closing the door to a chapter in my life...one I had worked hard on for a happy ending...I was surrendering and letting go...and the process of letting go is difficult and sad, whether we are closing a chapter on a bad experience or not...the grieving process doesn't seem to differentiate.  

And so maybe this trip is symbolic that you, too, are closing the door to, and letting go of, a chapter of your life.  

And this is just one of the many bumps in the road that you're going to experience as you let go.  And when things get busy or hectic, we can get anxious...and it's exhausting getting ready...and we can be vulnerable too.  Just take your foot of the accelerator for a moment, breath and let yourself just roll up and over.  

I know you won't break NC...as that will totally TOTALLY ruin your vacation...no matter the outcome.

And remember, try not to look in your rear view mirror because you are not going that way.  

You're not driving are ya? :smileywink:

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 5:28pm
(((Lily)))
Good for you for coming here and posting it out instead of reaching out. Its tough, it hurts and yes A's do suck the life out of us. I think we lose something within us - I dont yet know what but I know it has ttaken something from me. We just have to keep going hun one day after the next. You are just having one of those more difficult days. You really are doing so well and have come a long way. Go on your trip, repeat your positive affirmations and enjoy yourself.

Sending you positive thoughts, I'll spare the hugs cos I have a bug :smileysad: thinking of you

Sunny Soon Xxx