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| Fri, 11-12-2004 - 10:26am |
WHY DONT I MISS HIM WHEN HE LEAVES?
i ask my self that question over and over.
i caved yesterday and sent an im to om and he responded. i then asked him to go on msn and he did but all he said was (after i asked him how he was doing) that he was good he asked me how i was doing. i then asked him how his day was and he told me to hold on a sec which became falf an hour so i logged off. later in the afternoon i sent him an im asking him if he had forgotten about me intentionally but he pretended (i think) to be someone else on the computer so we didnt talk.
it hurt me that om can be so cold. how he does not have any feelings for me at all even if its just as friends.
i am very alone sad and confussed.
i feel numb when it comes to my dh and so much pain when i think of om.
i want/need answers.

I recall that when my head was full of exOM, there was just no room for anything but friendship with DH.
In the cycle of playing kiss-chase & perpetually checking for em/im/tm/vm, I had no time for anything but friendship with DH.
While it's not something I'm exceptionally proud of, I have to admit that DD didn't have my full attention either. Something for you to consider anyway.
You'll make room and make time for DH only when you're done playing kiss-chase.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
No one can answer why you don't miss DH when he leaves but you. IMHO until you completely and absolutely have NC with xOM can you allow your feelings for DH to come back to you. You know the first few weeks after D day I still don't think I was ready to let xOM go but given the option I have now, xOM seems like a distant memory. How quickly your priorities get readjusted (as they did when you decided to start the A), but you have to be able to accept what is and decide your course of action.
Block xOM from your IM so you don't even see him sign on, block him from email so you don't get any mail from him. I did both of these things right when DH asked me and as much as it hurt I haven't added him back in. There have been times I have been overwhelmed with the need to be in contact with xOM but I come here read other posts, vent, whatever it takes, and I have not contacted him. To second guess why xOM is doing what he is and acting the way he is will only cause you more pain, I know it is hard but please try during those times to find something else to occupy your time, maybe something with the kids. When focused on activities with the kids, my mind doesn't wonder as much, use that time as an escape, one that is healthy because you are spending time with the kids.
Trust me the answers are not going to come unless you do some very hard soul searching, as I have to do right now. This just plain sucks but remember we put ourselves in this position. I should be around all weekend if you need me doing my soul searching. Hang in there and know I am thinking about you.
DAF
I too wondered why I never missed XH after we separated 13 months ago. My counselor said that it was like when your kids go to college, you love them but they are not part of your everyday life and after awhile you get used to it and you don't miss them that much. I do still love XH for the wonderful person he is, for all the memories we shared over 25 years---we practically raised each other. But I found that I had lost all *attachment* to him and that we were in a sense living separate lives without any emotional closeness (even tho lots of sex) and I remember during the M wondering why I never thought about him all day long every day. At the end (before XMM) I remember FORCING myself to think about him, one of the last things in my diary (before XMM) was my lenten resolution to PRAY every day for my XH FIRST before I prayed for anything else.
Conversely I became so *attached* to XMM that it has been extremely hard to break the attachment.
Truthfully, I never missed XH for one day even in all my pain, fear and sadness. I guess that is one reason I chose to finalize my divorce. It does make me feel like a bad person. HOW COULD I LIVE WITH SOMEONE 24 YEARS AND NOT EVEN MISS HIM? It sounds sick. I take full responsibility for allowing our lives to become so separate and for *giving up* on trying to attain the emotional closeness that I so desperately wanted. We never fought and it *seemed* like everything was perfect like a world I created like Disneyland. We were all about the kids everyday and they benefited greatly--but we gave nothing to our relationship.
My XH is still very angry and he says that there was NOTHING wrong with the M. That it was ALL ME and my A. (Backround: I told XH before I had sex with XMM that our marriage was in trouble and then confessed all after ONE act of sex with XMM when the A was only 2 months old) He says the reason I won't come back to him is because I won't ADMIT THAT THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE M AND I AM STUBBORN ENOUGH TO DIVORCE JUST SO I WON'T BE PROVED WRONG. I don't understand his philosophy but I let him vent and be very angry with me sometimes for hours because I am so sorry that I hurt him and I feel so guilty for what I did to him and for his pain and suffering.
Lately though, I have been thinking that although he says he has held on to me and tried to get me back this whole time--it was only with anger--I never remember him reminding me of our love, our passion, good things, how our life could be together--nothing good. Just guilt and anger. I'm not blaming him for that I just always question whether he really felt so in love and attached to me as he claimed. He had told me during the M that he felt lonely.
Sometimes I wonder if he had had the A--then would I have had *feelings* and loved him the way I should have. I guess I will never know. It is all very strange.
For me though lately I have felt like I am glad that I am not with him. I think deep in my heart of hearts I have been wanting out for a long, long time but just didn't want to admit it to myself because I wanted to honor my committment and stay married forever. I just about found a way to do it to where I was *content* but then XMM came along and all these *feelings* and now I am not willing to settle anymore.
You have alot to work through in your own head and it will take some time. Don't make any quick decisions about anything.
Survive
Hi Ups,
The answers can only come from within you. You need to let go of OM so that you can try to figure out what you want, until then I dont think you will find the answers you are looking for. OM is only going to continue to hurt you.
Try to start the NC all over again, You are to good for him.
Take Care
Ladybug