feeling needy
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feeling needy
| Sat, 01-16-2010 - 12:08pm |
broke up on Nov2, broke NC briefly and horribly on Dec3 - nothing since then - and it's been so long but I'm really melancholy for the past two days and really missing X. Things at home are going fine and I'm not sure why I'm suffering so much so late in the game. I feel a huge heart-set back and it sucks. I'm very lonely. I miss the junk. I miss the highs. Gosh, this is a long road.
Ugh.
Just sharing here, trying to not wallow in the thoughts.
I hope you are all having much better days.
xo
Dee

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All I can say is I
NC since 2/4/2010
Dee - I'm right there with you. I am 3 and a half months NC and this past week has been really hard for me. Xap seems to have set up shop in my brain again and I'm having the darndest time evicting him. I know it's because of the missed call from him in Tuesday. I'm fixated on it which is not healthy and pissed me off because he's winning, even if he doesn't know it. I just keep reminding myself of all the heartache and suffering I endured while in the A and that seems to help. I know that's nothing new to you, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.
Gal
Hey, Everyone.
Thank you, thank you for all the love, empathy, support and encouragement. Today was better and I had all of your emails to buoy me. I can't tell you enough how much knowing I'm not alone and that others 'feel' me, really helped. Thank you all for your kind words.
I thought a lot about why I'm feeling this way, and, for me, I think the missing the X so much might be misplaced loneliness. As my H and I are working on the M, with no D-day (thank God), I have again begun to have expectations of him and of our M. For the longest time, I had none. anyway, I think that I am lonely, in general, and since the M is still soooo far from being fulfilling, I am feeling my loneliness more keenly. Since it's been my 18 month-long habit to refer to X to fill the needs that H was not meeting, I am reverting to my bad habit of wanting 'him' --- when, really, what I want is my H and I'm using X as a bandaid (a diversion: dealing with the pain with avoidance instead of addressing the 'real', more painful issues.)
I have to go be with my other family now. I love you all for what you've done for me today. Today, for the past 3 months, and into the (brighter) future. Thank you for giving of yourselves so freely. I hope that I can continue to help you, too. God bless you all.
xoxo
Dee
Dee,
It's so weird how this melancholy thing works. I'm about 10 weeks NC and I still feel sad more than I thought I would this far out. I was hoping he would be completely out of my thoughts by now, but no such luck. I do want to reassure you though, that even though I still miss the highs and the junk too, it's getting a little easier all the time.
I keep telling myself that I only hurt because I have a heart and the ability to really care about someone (whether they deserve it or not) is a good thing. In my case, I never expected any love, caring, or consideration from him that I didn't feel and give TO him...the fact that he can just walk away without looking back tells me that he didn't really care the way I did. Yeah, that hurts, but I use it to convince myself how lucky I am that I didn't end up with him!! How awful it must be to be married to someone like that!! It does help to think about that
Dee,
No Dday for me either and I am so thankful for that. His wife found out but my H did not. So now its back to a marriage where I have to address all of the problems that were there before I turned to the A. I understand completely how you feel. I too love my H but the marriage is lacking and I dont know how to get it back.
I didnt have to care about my marriage during the A and now I have to become vested in it again. There is power in that, Im actually involved in the moment rather than a million miles away thinking about the xMM. But there is dissapointment involvedin turning back to a marriage that was loving and supportive, yet dysfunctional.
Im planning on staying NC this week but I just dont know how it will go. I want to be strong and you have all been a huge help. I decided to do something that I have never done and I scheduled an appointment with a family therapist. For myself 1st to end this A and then to figure out how to be married agin. I know what is right but then my heart takes over with feelings for AP. I want off this roller coaster and need firm ground to stand on.
Bless each of you and I will fall asleep tonight sending prayers fo strength for all of us.
GMLB
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