Feeling okay today

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Feeling okay today
10
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 4:24am

Okay so hello again everyone...told you I'd be a pain in the proverbial :-)

I am at work now and about to go home and usually the first thing I would do is turn on my computer to see if JAM has written. Well today, I'm not going to do that. I haven't contacted him and have no idea if he has emailed and actually don't care. I have had a nice productive day at work with lots of giggles and absolutely no anguish so why ruin a perfectly good day?

I am going to sit down with a glass of wine and watch some television before heading off to bed. It's late here - around 10.20pm right now.

I am at work which is why I can write and I don't have access to my home email account from here.

So Day 17 comes to a close and I feel alright. I don't want that punched-in-the-stomach feeling I get from seeing his name in my inbox. I don't care what he did today. I don't care if he thinks I have a mental disorder, which he probably does after my manic behaviour pre-Christmas.

I actually, right now. don't care about HIM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 5:52am

Well that great resolution lasted all of 15 minutes after I walked in the door..

And no, he didn't write...

And so, to spare myself any more of this endless bollocksy nonsense, I have closed my old email account.

I have blocked...and walked. And now there's no more mental gymnastics, just me and reality.

Right now, I feel at peace with that decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 6:32am
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 6:38am

Awww, thanks, Findingme!

That means so, so much, it truly does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 6:55am
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2011
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 9:09am

Big Hugs to you Miss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:55pm

Thank you everyone, I am actually pretty flipping proud of me. I never thought I could do this but I did it anyway.

I am in the angry phase today...mad at him for being such a bare-faced liar - but hell, what did I expect? Total truth and honesty from him? The whole A was built on lies, from both of us.

It's not immobilising me though, like the day to day anger that permeated the A. God, what a dreadful way to live...and for what? A couple of lines in an electronic box. Meaningless.

Now my OWN life stretches out in front of me for the next 40 years (I have decided I'm living to 90) and I have the delicious freedom to CHOOSE what I want from it and who I want to have in it.

I no longer have the misery in front of me, day after day, of waiting to see if he deigned to write...and then IF he did, feeling gutted because he could only manage a few words. Urggghhhh! NO MORE!!!!!

I actually have decided I'd quite like to try making necklaces and jewellery. There is a nice bead shop in town so after I go for a run today I am going to catch the bus to town and have a browse around.

And when I went to bed last night, despite DH being asleep, he reached out and held my hand. He always does that. He reaches for me in his sleep. That's caring, that's love, that's real.

xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 10:57pm
Yay for you LuLu.."But I'm here, and I'm here to stay. I'm not giving ME up for anyone, ever again." I love that statement and will commit it to memory...NEVER AGAIN! Hope tomorrow is a great day for you! Peace and hugs.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 11:47pm

I like the little LILT feeling I get when I read your posts!

i LOVED this:

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2010
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 12:20am

You are such neat people...you really are :-)

Today has been a mixture really...initial euphoria, then anger, then "flatness", then a desire to sleep, then resolve, then weakening....all in a big circle.

I know that this is an addiction. I have known that for a long time. And by gosh, it is NOT going to beat me! NO WAY!

I am worried that when I go to work tonight he will have contacted me there. I will try and delete without reading but the system we have at work shoves the entire message in your face, not just a header...I may actually just ring the Help Desk and ask them to go in and delete and then block. I haven't blocked til now because there have been no messages TO block.

And then that's it, the final vestiges of my involvement with a man who I allowed to treat me, well, cruelly, to be honest.

And although the feelings that are inside me now are not like anything I have had before, they are still infinitely better than the ongoing anguish of staying in contact; and I know they absolutely are transient.

A long time ago (about 3 years) I came on here under another username - can't even remember what it was, to be honest - and said I wished I had a magic wand to make this horrible feeling go away. Some wise person answered me and said, "You have. It's called TIME."

I have never forgotten that :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 1:10am

DAY 17!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LETS NOT OVERLOOK THAT!!!!!

MAN, YOU ARE SO NEW NEWBIE yet....you give that SERIOUS RESOLVE FEELING. I almost forgot it's ONLY BEEN 17 DAYS, So HUGE!

Pace yourself, Breath, Divert your thoughts when they come and ENJOYYYYYYYYY THE SNOT OUT OF IT, WHEN THEY DONT!!!!!!!!!!!

<3

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010