FEELING OVERWHELMED!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
FEELING OVERWHELMED!!!
5
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 2:55pm
Today is Sunday and I am normally fine with dealing with the weekends but today I am feeling overwhelmed with anxiety! I am not sure if its a combination of things. Work is super busy, working on a big project for a meeting tomorrow, my family is coming to visit for Thanksgiving and I feel I have so much to do for that to get ready, my son is going through his terrible 2's, my H has a new job and I am trying to be supportive there, just seems like I am drowning right now. As I was doing my work the song by 3 Doors Down "Here Without You" came on and that was mine and xMM song. I wanted to scream. When I feel overwhelmed with anxiety its a natural instinct for me to make contact with xMM. I know that wont help but I just cant wait until this whole feeling goes away!!!!


So frustrated right now and needed to vent somewhere before I lose my mind. I have snapped at my poor H all weekend.

I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep forever and forget all this crap. Why the h*ll did I get myself into this situation in the first place. What annoys me even more is that xMM is not affected by the emotional distress that I am dealing with. Not fair!!!!!! I know this isnt right but I wish all bad things to him in his life. I want him to suffer just like I am suffering right now! I HATE HIM!!!!!!! I hate this feeling!!!! It sucks!

:(

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 3:49pm
Dipss,

I have been distant with my H for weeks now, but finally came to realize that he is the greatest husband any woman would want and that I betrayed him and it's not fair.

I have also snapped at H day after day and then I would cry later because I know how much I am hurting him.

We all ask ourselves, why and how did we get into these A's???? I still don't know the answer to that! I thought of numerous things...

My xMM is the same way as yours. Before our break up, he started getting VERY distant with me, because here I was being affectionate and emotional and it was too much for him.

I also wanted him to suffer. I had all these evil thoughts in my mind, like what if I just make an annonymous call to his house and tell his W about her cheating husband, but than that would get me in trouble too, because I am married as well. Yes, I did want xMM to suffer and get hurt, so that he can go through the same pain.

I also had anger towards xMM and hated him with a passion.

Now, I think the more days go by, the less I think about him, the less I want him. I hope that eventually xMM will just be a thing of the past. Right now I don't think about him, I don't want to call him and when he does call me, I don't have the urge to pick up the phone to talk to him.

As other posters have me told before. The anger is good, it will get you through it.

Hang in there!

Sadgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 4:01pm
Dipss -

I completely understand what you are feeling. My xOM always use to calm me down when I was stressed. All I had to do was talk to him and the rest of the world went away.

But then he became part of my 'stress'. He no longer took it away, but he added to it.

Don't feel bad about wanting his life to suck. I think we all go through that (it's doing something about it that would be wrong - i.e tire slashing, stalking, etc :-)).

I remember wondering how long it would take to let go of the anger and resentment I felt toward xOM. There were days I thought it would never go away. But then one morning I woke up and felt less pain and less hate. I still think about him everyday, but I can finally listen to our song (Gone by Matchbox Twenty) without getting upset or crying.

You'll have overwhelming days, but by posting here and not making that phone call, you are doing the right thing!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 4:10pm
Hey Sad and Diva,

Thanks! I am ready to lose my sh*t today! I know it shouldnt but it bothers me what he thinks of me...bothers me that he is just moving on with life and never got affected. It just doesnt seem fair right now...or at this moment that is.

I know each day is different. This is how I feel right now. As everyone keeps telling me dont hide from the emotion but try to understand why I am feeling like that and feel the emotion through. So a cigarette is not the option then huh? ;)

I do hate this feeling so...my H and son are sleeping now and it has given me time to work on my project for tomorrow and unfortunately time to think too. I wish I could just shut off this mind of mine.

Thanks for your responses. It keeps you sane.

Sad - I have to tell you that I can just picture what you were like before "always happy and smiling" as you have said...its a shame that this jerk can take that away....hope you get that back... :)

xo! gotta run...my son just woke up...eek!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 4:55pm
Dipss -

I'm with ya on that! I hate knwoing that my xOM just moved on and is still going out and having fun (he's single) and not sitting at home 'pining' over me :-). I want to imagine him crying himself to sleep every night the way I use to.

I hate thinking that HE thinks I'M the crazy one - obsessed and needy. I did become that way with him and it sucked. That's so not like me at all!!

Not sure what your situation is - if you have NC or not, but the thing is, we really don't know what is going on with them. Men deal with things so differently than woman do - I use to think that was BS, but I'm learning now that it's true. And personally, I think it is ok to imagine them hurting if it helps you heal.

Diva

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 6:32pm
I have to absolutely agree with Actressdiva. We do not have the slightest clue as to how the exOM/MM, etc.. are feeling BUT I will tell you this, as soon as exMM hears from me, he will be running to me WITHOUT looking. Even though he has not admitted he was "devastated" after I "disappeared" on him, he sure went out of his way to be certain I would not disappear on him again. Anyway, it doesn't matter...I still slammed the door on him due to selfish reasons on my part, knew that the affair was adding to my list of problems, could no longer tolerate the BS. HE on the other hand still thought of me as someone who took him away from reality...assuming that I am capable of filling his void. That is my advantage over him...I know HE can never fill my void- only I can do this. Men/guys are funny when it comes to expressing emotions, MORE so after the honeymoon phase has ended.

Yes, I still "hate" my exMM...just the way how he handled the affair; completely clueless as to how this affair affected me emotionally, turned me into a cynical individual. I am partially at fault in regards to this relationship BUT the way how he "pathologically" lied. An amazing Bulls--- artist. He has trouble understanding why I am absolutely mean to him (trust me, I am not a "mean" individual...would have to go OUT OF YOUR WAY to push me...), sarcastically insult him. The "lies" he told...I genuinely believe he actually believes 'em, masterfully convincing himself.

Not aware when Dipss has ended her relationship...time will come in which you are not going to give a hoot what the exMM/OM thinks of you. In time, you will be focused on YOU, yourself...wondering what would, will make you happy in the long run. I once upon a time CARED...now, could care less if the man (my exMM) thinks I am Lucifer's true mama or needy, whatever. Bottom line I KNOW he is checking his cell phone wondering when (if ever) I am going to call him (he does not have my new cell number for six months)...haha, that ain't going to happen...