Feeling Overwhelmed

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Feeling Overwhelmed
5
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:47pm
i stopped this week to take an inventory of all that i've gone thru. I honestly am overwhelmed by it. Much of this has to do with my recent curiosity if xMM is a narcissist. I cannot tell you how complicated that makes things--there is an entire other discussion group i have been logging on to about those that have been hurt by Ns. Much of what i have read there, reminds me a lot of all of us--hurt, in pain, feeling betrayed, obsessed (because Ns are VERY charming), unable to let go and not knowing why. Like i've posted here before, i do not know if Xmm is an N--but he does have many of the characteristics and when i read the posts from those hurting over a N relationship, many of them ring true for me.

What is comes down to for me is this: I was merely a "feeder" to xMM. N's can spot vulnerbility a mile a way--and he certainly did with me. They dip into you whenever they need their egos boosted; they are overly sexual. They lack empathy (which he certainly has proven to).

One thing that was very telling to me, is i pulled up an old email from one of xMM's friends--who is equally in pain over him right now. The friend wrote to me that xMM has a "blind spot" to other people's problems and issues and "lacks empathy." I certainly felt validated when i read this: when Ns get into relationships deep, eventually people figure them out--because those people get tired of their own needs not being met. What really hard about all of this, is ABSOLUTELY everybody loves this guy--so you start to feel like some "gas lamping" is going on. You've got to be wrong, right? Because everyone loves him; but you and his other close friend, know.

So, I wonder if he's hurting. I wonder if he is thinking of me. We all ask these quesitons, right? And then i learn on the N board, that N's depth of empathy is akin to this: say, a neighbor's H dies and you, as a friend are devasted for the W. You can see her pain, she is right next door. Now, think about hearing on the news that thousand of people died in an earthquake in some 3rd world country. Ns hear that and they feel bad, but they just can't identify with it at all--it's too far removed. When i wonder now if he knows he hurt me, i realize yes: but it is like i am a victim in some faraway country that he acknowledges but doesn't understand the depth of my pain. He just doesn't get it. He sees the bad news, says tsk tsk that's a shame and moves on to another channel.

Honestly, i just feel used. I know he loved me--Ns fall in and out of love easily--but i feel like he used me and when he didn't need me anymore (even as a friend) he just tossed me away. I have to consider about my own issues of co-dependency, here. I wanted to FIX him--be there for him--but he needed so much for me, and rarely gave back, that it only left me here a shell of my former self.

I have no idea if this makes sense to any of you. I am dealing with Hs A; my own and now realizing that i was just used by xMM. You can't begin to realize the pain on this N discussion board.

And then i sometimes wonder if i just am looking for something--like the possibility that xMM is a N--to label him with something, so i won't have to take the responsibilty and pain for being abandoned in this relationship--even as a friend--forget a lover!

I don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 5:30pm
You poor thing. Life is so unjust. I'm sure you did nothing wrong. The sun'll come up tomorrow. Try to keep smiling.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 5:59pm
I know exactly what you are talking about....my XOM has characteristics of a N. He also shows charact. of a sex addict and his ex wife confirmed this. Last time we spoke (he is begging to see me and I keep refusing) he told me that he realizes he has a problem and is going to seek therapy...but who knows if he really will or if he was saying that to please me.

Clarice the bottom line is that if your XMM is indeed a N. and has no regard for others then aren't you glad that he is out of your life? You should be. I think that as time goes on you will see the situation for what it is and see XMM and his faults more clearly. I know that I have. I try not to spend too much time thinking about the whole ordeal, it is very overwhelming and I am surprised that I did not have a breakdown and wind up admitted. How wonderful would that have looked in divorce court? An incompetent mother with a history of mental illness.....lovely.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 7:00pm
thank you for your reply. the feelings of rejection--becuase of the N behavior--are different than the feelings of loss and loneliness because the A ended. they are two different things--and both, combined with dealing with my H's A--have left me very tired this week.

I too, have wondered if i will fall off the deep end. I drink now--i didn't before--and have been on anti-depressants since last may. I have never had to do anything like that at all. I am just worn out--tired.

I had often read the posts here about the wonderful As some of us had: i always felt a little envious, because mine was not like that. I was only there for xMM to fill him up. He threw out just enough to keep me hooked. My depression began last summer not over the A, but becuase i felt the A was unfilling. I didn't know i was being sucked dry by an N at the time. And i just kept giving him more and more. But i do understnad now. I don't know if that hurts or is a relief. I need more time to process.

If you've dealt with a N--then you totally get what i am talking about. I sooooo thank you for your reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 7:22pm
I hear ya. Talk about being used. I have given all of me to XOM for 4 yrs and what does it give me ?? A lot of heartache and pain. I probably did a lot to his ego than anything else. I was not more than that - it makes me sad to come to that realization. How can these men be so cruel and heartless??
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 7:27pm
what i've learned this week, about Ns, is that they don't know they are cruel and heartless. They just don't get it. they use people--need feeding--and when you need or want something from them (like when i met him for a picnic to tell him i had discovered by H's affair) they have nothing to say. It scares them that others might need them--makes them run away.

Understanding and dealing with the realization that i was used, by a N, potentially, adds a whole other layer to my grieving and depression--but it is part of the process. the knowledge hurts, but it will set me free.

Clarice