Feeling Overwhelmed
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| Fri, 05-07-2004 - 12:47pm |
What is comes down to for me is this: I was merely a "feeder" to xMM. N's can spot vulnerbility a mile a way--and he certainly did with me. They dip into you whenever they need their egos boosted; they are overly sexual. They lack empathy (which he certainly has proven to).
One thing that was very telling to me, is i pulled up an old email from one of xMM's friends--who is equally in pain over him right now. The friend wrote to me that xMM has a "blind spot" to other people's problems and issues and "lacks empathy." I certainly felt validated when i read this: when Ns get into relationships deep, eventually people figure them out--because those people get tired of their own needs not being met. What really hard about all of this, is ABSOLUTELY everybody loves this guy--so you start to feel like some "gas lamping" is going on. You've got to be wrong, right? Because everyone loves him; but you and his other close friend, know.
So, I wonder if he's hurting. I wonder if he is thinking of me. We all ask these quesitons, right? And then i learn on the N board, that N's depth of empathy is akin to this: say, a neighbor's H dies and you, as a friend are devasted for the W. You can see her pain, she is right next door. Now, think about hearing on the news that thousand of people died in an earthquake in some 3rd world country. Ns hear that and they feel bad, but they just can't identify with it at all--it's too far removed. When i wonder now if he knows he hurt me, i realize yes: but it is like i am a victim in some faraway country that he acknowledges but doesn't understand the depth of my pain. He just doesn't get it. He sees the bad news, says tsk tsk that's a shame and moves on to another channel.
Honestly, i just feel used. I know he loved me--Ns fall in and out of love easily--but i feel like he used me and when he didn't need me anymore (even as a friend) he just tossed me away. I have to consider about my own issues of co-dependency, here. I wanted to FIX him--be there for him--but he needed so much for me, and rarely gave back, that it only left me here a shell of my former self.
I have no idea if this makes sense to any of you. I am dealing with Hs A; my own and now realizing that i was just used by xMM. You can't begin to realize the pain on this N discussion board.
And then i sometimes wonder if i just am looking for something--like the possibility that xMM is a N--to label him with something, so i won't have to take the responsibilty and pain for being abandoned in this relationship--even as a friend--forget a lover!
I don't know.

Clarice the bottom line is that if your XMM is indeed a N. and has no regard for others then aren't you glad that he is out of your life? You should be. I think that as time goes on you will see the situation for what it is and see XMM and his faults more clearly. I know that I have. I try not to spend too much time thinking about the whole ordeal, it is very overwhelming and I am surprised that I did not have a breakdown and wind up admitted. How wonderful would that have looked in divorce court? An incompetent mother with a history of mental illness.....lovely.
Jazzdiva
I too, have wondered if i will fall off the deep end. I drink now--i didn't before--and have been on anti-depressants since last may. I have never had to do anything like that at all. I am just worn out--tired.
I had often read the posts here about the wonderful As some of us had: i always felt a little envious, because mine was not like that. I was only there for xMM to fill him up. He threw out just enough to keep me hooked. My depression began last summer not over the A, but becuase i felt the A was unfilling. I didn't know i was being sucked dry by an N at the time. And i just kept giving him more and more. But i do understnad now. I don't know if that hurts or is a relief. I need more time to process.
If you've dealt with a N--then you totally get what i am talking about. I sooooo thank you for your reply.
Understanding and dealing with the realization that i was used, by a N, potentially, adds a whole other layer to my grieving and depression--but it is part of the process. the knowledge hurts, but it will set me free.
Clarice