Feeling pathetic
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| Sat, 04-03-2004 - 7:08pm |
In my life I had really never had a “boyfriend” per say – I spent my whole life focusing on school, starting a career, getting ahead with stuff, etc.. I knew what was going on with us was wrong but I felt like I deserved it for pushing so many things away. Like I never got a chance to have my fun and this was it. He got married at 18 because he got his wife pregnant in high school. He began to tell me things about his marriage – him and his wife got along but he wasn’t happy. How he hoped that she would find out about us would leave him. I tried to end it once in the summer but it didn’t last. It got to the point that we were so close that it was like I was his wife but he was married to someone else. He became my best friend. We knew everything about each other. I was meeting him on my days off, talking to him a couple of times a day, text messaging – when I look at it now it was out of control. He kept telling me how he needed to be with me because I made him feel better about himself, he could talk to me, etc. At this point I had not had sex with him because I knew that we were getting too close and eventually we were going to be found out. I figured keeping it that way would make it not hurt that bad.
He said that he was going to tell his wife everything that he was going to leave her because he was in love with me. I told him not to – because I had kept everything about “us” hidden – only 1 friend of mine knew and I was still living with my parents. I didn’t want the guilt of breaking up a marriage on me. He agreed not to tell her mainly for the sake that he did not have anywhere to go if he did leave her. I wasn’t in a financial situation to get my own place and he had no where to go. But we kept talking and meeting. He got laid off of work shortly after and I was devastated. We kept meeting but it now became weekly instead of daily but talked on the phone usually 5 times a day. We also started having sex. I know that his marriage started to get worse – he would tell me that he would have no desire to be with his wife and that he didn’t hate her but didn’t know what to do about our situation. He didn’t want to ruin his family and his kids lives. Also, his wife kept suspecting that he was cheating on her but couldn’t catch him or figure out who.
Long story short – we got caught one night. I gave him a story to tell his wife that he did meet me but it was for something that I was working on for his business. She spazed out because he didn’t tell her he was going to meet me about it. She asked him if he had feelings for me and he said yes. She got my number and called me and ripped me apart. I understand everything that she said because I know that I would feel the same way she did. We both denied that anything had ever happened between us . He was still allowed to talk to me but it couldn’t be kept a secret – since we were just friends. I was very upset because he wasn’t talking to me the same as he used to – it was more forced. A couple of weeks later he wanted for things to get sexual again but I declined saying that his marriage was at stake. We still talked daily but it was only 5 minute conversations. He became even more distant and I became more frustrated because one minute he wanted a sexual relationship with me and the next we were just friends. I was upset because I didn’t know what was going on and I couldn’t let it go. I begged him to meet me (I hadn’t seen him in a month since his wife found out) to talk things out and he was very hesitant but finally agreed. As soon as we saw each other it started all over again. The meetings, talking, sex. It lasted for about a month and then W found out again (he had 300 text messages on his phone bill). W told him to choose me or her. On New Years Day 2004 W called me and rightfully ripped me apart again. The day W found out I wrote him a very long letter and told him to meet me one last time to give it to him. He met me and gave me a hug and said he would read the letter and call me. He called me shortly after and said that the letter made him cry and it was some of the nicest stuff anyone had ever said to him. He said he would still try to call me occasionally. A couple weeks went by and I didn’t hear from him. I called him and he basically said that he wanted nothing to do with me anymore – W said for them to work their marriage out that he had to stop talking to me. I said some nasty stuff because I was upset.
1 month ago after NC for 1 month and not seeing him for 4 months I texted him apologizing for what I had said and said that I hoped everything was going OK. He responded saying that him and his wife have been getting along great since he quit talking to me. We exchanged a couple of other messages and he basically made it known that he wants nothing to do with me.
After that rejection I know that I will never try to contact him again – but it is like I am still stuck in the past with him. I think about him daily – sometimes days are worse than others. I thought by now the pain would start to ease already. I do not desire to talk to him or see him like how I did at first when we broke up but it is like I can not give it up. I do not expect for him to ever contact me again – but I am stuck in a horrible rut. I have so many great memories with him and we could talk about anything. I feel so alone. I do not know if I feel like this because he was the first person that I loved or what. When we were together I always wondered what it would be like if we could be together all of the time and I still wonder – What it could have been. Everything that he did was beyond what I could have ever expected even from a real boyfriend. He always assured me that what we had was special to him and I do believe that. I do not feel that he used me – but it just hurts so bad now. I am glad that he chose to stay with his wife overall but it just really still hurts.
I am sorry that this is so long – writing has made me feel better yet very pathetic. I am in love with a memory. I feel that what we had was special and just can not let it go. I will keep reading this board for support. Thanks for reading.

Emma
I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. EXACTLY. You put it into words very well. It is so hard to let go. Part of it is because we really, truly miss this person, and part of it is a bit of a pride thing, I think -- it always hurts to be rejected, even when the reasons are sound.
I can tell you that it definitely will get better with time. It's been 4 months for me, and I feel like I'm just now starting to really accept and let go. There is a lot of advice to be had here on the board in past messages, but eventually everyone has to find what works for them individually. For me, it helps to acknowledge that some days you are hurting worse than others -- and to realize that tomorrow will probably be a better day. It helps to keep busy and stay out of situations that remind you of your A -- kind of like Pavlov's dog, we have been conditioned to have certain feelings in certain situations and if you can change those situations for yourself, it'll help. Keep busy. Count your blessings. There's a song by a band called Great Big Sea that goes, "Let it go, let it go, this is smaller than you know; it's no bigger than a pebble lying on a gravel road..." It helps me to think like that. What seems like the end of the world right now will someday be insignificant to us, I believe.
Hang in there, I promise you it will all get better! :)
I just thought that since it has been 4 months since I have seen him and over a month of NC that by now the pain would have started to ease as well as the memories. I think that sometimes all I want from him is an "I'm Sorry" but I know that I will never get it. I do not blame him nor do I hate him because I knew what I was getting myself into. The times in the last 4 months when I have contacted him I think I did it mainly because I didn't want him to think that I just "went away" so easily.
Some good has come out of the situation though. I joined a gym to keep myself occupied and it has been a lifesaver. I have never been one for exercising but lots of times I go there when I feel down and when I leave I feel 100% better (and I have lost weight too :) - always a nice added bonus!). I have also started to look for another job - I realize that my workplace is a constant reminder of XMM plus it is in my comfort level. I also figure that it will put me in a new situation to meet new people. I am in graduate school and I have tried to keep busy with that as well as work but soemtimes it is just so hard. I was doing OK for about a month but I recently went on a 2 week vacation and the vacation was great but it also gave me ALOT of time to think which I think brought back all the memories that I have been trying to forget.
I have a friend who went through a bad time last year (not nearly in the same situation as me) but I look at her now a year later and she is doing so much better. I hope that a year from now I can say the same thing!!!
Until then I will keep reading the board because it is reassuring to know that there are other people like me who feel like this!
NOT advocating breaking NC, though!!! You're doing all the right things to move on -- working out, looking for a new job, working hard at grad school; I really am not worried about you. You are going to be fine!
Like you said about your friend -- my best friend just went through a horrible break-up of her marriage. She lived with us for a few months because she was in such a bad place. But 6 months later, she is happier than she has ever been! Her life has completely turned around, and believe me, 6 months ago she was at her lowest point and would never have believed that things could work out the way they have. Give it some more time and have patience with yourself! :)
Don't worry about NC!!! As much as I want to contact him I doubt that I will again - I can only imagine what kind of rejection could be next! We live pretty far apart so I doubt that I would ever run into him again, however, I do wonder if I would ever see him how I should act. Should I pretend to not care that anything ever happened? It is like I want for him to know how hurt I am but at the same time I don't want him to know. I am proud that I no longer desire to be with him. Even if he would call me up today and wanted to start things up again I know that I never ever could again (unless he was divorced). I know that I could be friends with him but that is it! I think more or less it is just that I need the closure but do not know how to get it!
Alot of times I try to figure out what it is that I am even hurt at. I knew the situation that I was getting myself into. What did I expect? I never expected him to leave his wife for me.....I think what it is is I didn't expect to get as attached as we did. I think alot of it is that I lost a friend! Alot of my friends have moved away/gotten married and I feel really alone at times. I also think that I will never meet anyone again. There have been lots of chances for me to date people but I tend to push guys away. Most of the time I was to worried about school and didn't have the time or want to be tied down. Also, it takes alot for me to be interested in someone - I am very surprised at myself for even getting involved with XMM but it was like he passed all of my mental tests that I have for a guy. There were so many little things about him that I absolutely loved and I am afraid that I will never meet someone like that again. Then that leads me to start to wonder - What if it was supposed to be him? It sounds crazy but I think that that is the other reason why I am still so stuck on him. Like I am not supposed to give it up. Who knows....
I am just thinking out loud. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and this all happened for a reason - just trying to figure out why!!!
Make your focus something else -- do you have weigt to lose? Make it a project, buy a book, join Weight Watchers, something. Focus on your work, start hiking, start seeing plays in your local area. Get it? Do something that you never did with him.
I think that if I stop thinking of him, he'll sift through my fingers, but you know what, that's going to happen anyway. Thinking about it isn't going to make him come back. There truly are other people in this world, and the longer you stay stuck on him and his memory, the more you're not meeting anyone else -- male or female.
I am so happily married, but my XOM made me feel like I was in high school again, like nobody else ever did (I was in high school when I met my H so that doesn't count). It's absolutely intoxicating but in the real world, you have to smack yourself on the side of the head and say "it's not happening."
Many other people have come before us and will go after us -- and mostly seem to survive. It really does get easier. When those habits you're so used to drift away, you will find something else that is going to bring you happiness; you know it in your head, now you just have to convince your heart.
Prayer helps, too, gives you "someone to talk to."
I think that my next big obsticle is letting it go because he is not coming back. I know that there are a couple of things that I want to ask him to find out the answers to but I have to accept that that is not going to happen. I now need to work on letting that go because you are right - He is gone.
Isn't it funny how fantastic a relationship like that could be? It is all a big fantasy because it is like there is no reality to it.