Feeling rejected I guess
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:47am |
I've been sitting here all morning crying because I'm such a weak person I can't find the strength to just start NC with my MM. I know in my head that's what I have to do, but when that stupid idealist in me keeps that flicker of hope that the fantasy of ending up with him still has a chance, I can't do it. Honestly, I don't know if it's him I want, or just the feeling he gave me of being wanted. I'm not getting that anymore, and that's where the crappy rejected feeling comes in.
I've been in an A for 4 months now. Both of us are married. I have kids and he doesn't. We work together- he is my boss, so we had to be discreet at work because we could lose our jobs if found out. In the beginning, it was so cool. The way we'd look at each other we thought electricity sparked between us. It was more emotional though at first. We talked a lot, tried to keep from getting too attached, but we were saying i love you in the first month. We couldn't wait to spend an actual day together, and the first "date" was awesome. Just him, me, and my 2-yr-old hiking in the summer. We met up after work on the nights we worked together. Then I started meeting him for his lunches. I came over to his house on his days off. It was so great, and we were so caught up in each other nothing else mattered. We were both getting distant from our spouses, and right before Halloween he had a huge fight with his W.
Then everything changed.
He started realizing how he was jeapordizing his life- his job most of all. He kept saying how paranoid he was and I could tell he wasn't his happy self when we were together. He was always anxious. I called him on it- if he wanted to end things and he said no. But right after that- we got caught at work. Not actually caught, but someone raised suspicion and he went under investigation at work. That stopped all contact but the phone. I went from seeing him (and kissing him) every day, to nothing. He said he still felt the same, but he had to stay away from me until everything at work blew over. I was a mess cuz I missed him so much. He kept telling me he missed me too, but he couldn't think about anything else but keeping his job. I drove to his house after about 10 days. We had IC and I got my "fix", but I had to leave cuz he had his brothers coming over, and when I left this time, I felt pretty crappy.
Since then, I've been reading all the Ending the Affair posts, but I'm not sure I want to end it. I feel like I love him, but maybe I'm just hurting cuz I think he's losing his feelings for me. I still talk to him on the phone every day, but it's been strained b/c I'm always asking him if he still wants to see me and being very pathetic (and hating myself for giving him all this power now.)
This week his days off are Tuesday and Thursday. I told him with two days off I want to see him one of those days. I kinda made some comments to the effect that if he loved me, he should want to see me too. Yes it was just last Tuesday night I was there, but like I said, we were seeing each other every day. A week is a long time for me. He wouldn't commit anything yet on the phone. I'll be talking to him tomorrow and I want to be strong and not a pathetic chaser. If he won't commit to seeing me Tuesday, I have to accept that we are just not on the same page as we were. I have to be able to say let's forget this then, but I'm telling you I don't think I can do it. He is NOT the aggressive type, and I'm afraid I would NEVER hear from him again. I don't think my heart is ready for that.
I know I need to back off and let it go. If it's over, I will know soon. I'm just feeling sorry for myself b/c I knew that if I got involved in this A, it would most likely be ME that fell in harder and ended up losing. BTW, my marriage is really suffering from this A right now b/c I have emotionally pulled away and my H knows there is someone else on my mind. My MM's W has no clue, so right now his life is just hunky-dory! That's pissing me off too.
Thanks for letting me vent. And please, I can use support for ending this A. When it's bringing me more pain that joy, I would guess it's time to walk away.
Thanks.

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The first few months or so of an affair are always exciting. AND THEN real life begins to sneak back in: The guilt, the fear of discovery, the time limits, etc. In your case, the distancing of your emotions with your H. THIS is just the beginning of that roller coaster ride you read about so much on here. You will go round and round until one day you are so sick to your stomach you will do ANYTHING to get off. That is when we realize the hopelessness of these relationships and that it's time to end it.
You are now going into that second phase where YOU want more of him, and HE starts withdrawing. Let me give the most important piece of advice I can. Stop pursuing him. Stop begging for time together. Stop waiting for those few precious moments of alone time. It won't take very long for you to see 1 of 2 things. #1. You will discover his true feelings (by whether he contacts you, or completely withdraws), or #2. You will begin to regain some of your integrity from NOT showing desperation and needyness. Both results will help you in some way to learn the truth about HIM and YOURSELF. I am not saying it won't be difficult, but it is the only way you will get your answers as to what to do next.
My guess is that he will slowly disappear, mainly due to the guilt and that "real" life is getting to be too much for him. He's afraid of losing his job, he's afraid of being discovered, and he's afraid of you needing more from him than he is capable of giving. TRUST me, I know: BTDT, as well as just about every other woman on here who got involved with a MM. Of course he's sexually drawn to you....You are a diversion from his everyday boring married life. When his fun time starts to jeopardize his "real" life, IT AIN'T FUN NO MORE!
I hung on to my XMM way past the expiration date. I basically grew tired of being his booty call once a week. I realized I was worth much more than this and made the decision to end it. Try to find that inner strength inside of you that will lead you out of this darkness and allow you live in the light.
Peace,
~True~
Thanks for your support. I know you are so right. If I can just back off for awhile, I'll know where this is going. I do believe it is going to end. I kind of wish I had the self-esteem (or whatever I need) to tell him it's over before he eventually tells me (with actions or with words.) I've never had a lot of will power when it comes to men. I just caved and called him an hour ago, but his phone was off so he won't know. (Whew!) Now I have to start all over again talking myself out of calling again... It sucks so bad. It's like an hour-to-hour struggle all day long. I copied your post into my "support" folder. I'll be reading it a lot.
Breathe
P.S. If he does call, I'm not even going to bring up his days off. Basically, if he doesn't want to see me this week, it's over. I don't know how I can be any more slapped in the face than that.
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Yes darl'n, it sucks. But DON'T CALL HIM. You will be far more hurt if you do and he fluffs you off. Is your heart strong enough to take that chance? I can see that you are not ready to totally end it but that's ok for now. One step at a time. So wait for him to call you. Wait for him to ask to see you. You may be waiting a long time, and that in itself will get you angry enough to END IT for good. I wish, for your own sake, you were strong enough to NOT even answer that phone when/if he calls...
You will know when you have had enough. When you have DEFINATELY decided to end this, we are here to help you.
~True~
I know you're right. Every time I cave, I'm so sorry afterwards. I did call later and his stupid phone rang, which meant he could've called today but didn't. So being the weak impulsive person I am, I called him at work for the first time in 2 weeks and said "oh i guess you didn't want to talk to me then." and he answered, "i knew you were going to think that" but offered no explanation which of course left me feeling empty and like crap for the rest of the night. I want to KICK myself every time. I know he's off tomorrow and I am DETERMINED not to call. God, I hate myself right now.
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I've been praying for that strength constantly...
Thanks so much for the post.:)
Breathe
just_breathe_1967
You said to True thatyou have no will power were it comes to men and you called yourself weak and impulsive, The is always a reason for our actions, WHAT ARE YOURS, what are you seeking from these men, if you discouver what it is you need or want you will have a better chance at learning how to deal with this need in a healthy way.
For excample did you have a absent father, a nagative up bringing that left you needing aproval, or sex abuse in your history that left you feeling inside that your not worth more then being used by men.... there is something and you need to know what it is to deal with it.
Have you ever considered individual counceling to help find out or T to help learn control methods ??
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You know, I'm actually embarrassed to say this, but my H of 10 yrs is actually my second marriage- a result of an A on my first H. I was married a year when I met my current H. He was a young SM and very sexy and carefree, things my 1st H wasn't. Neither was my 1st H my best friend, and so SM became my best friend. We had an A that was on/off (mostly on) for over a year and a half. I ended up getting a D and marrying this guy (who had a 1yr old from a fling) within 6 mos. (Bad mistake cuz as usual I went from R to R) We've had a rocky M from the start, but for the most part it's been good. We're raising the baby he had. (Oh yeah, I adopted her and she's been mine from the start.) He is still my best friend. He had a lot of his own baggage, and a lot of our M problems have been about him battling some substance abuse, but he never looked at another W. I never thought I'd look at another M, but I finally did last summer. I think I was looking for a boring, normal, stable guy. All I did was bring more chaos into my life. The last thing I wanted was to feel as crazy as I did back 10 yrs ago when this happened before. I had no kids then, and now I have 4. Big difference. Plus I still love my H and believe we are supposed to be together.
That said, I have gone from guy to guy since my 1st b/f at 18 yrs old. I felt insecure that it took me that long to get a guy, so I was afraid after that to be alone. Most of the R's I had where I liked someone more than they liked me usually ended up with me trying to use IC to keep them. (I know this destructive crap is still in my psyche now since I usually try to get my MM to see me by dangling the IC banana.) Since then, I have never left an R unless there was another guy waiting for me. Sad, I know. I went to T when I was having the first A. Therapist said I was a "love addict". Co-dependent and addicted to that new euphoric feeling like a drug. I even went to a support group, but I didn't feel it helped me. He said I didn't get enough attention from my dad. I suppose that's true, but as my mother says, you can blame some stuff on your parents, but as you learn and grow, you are responsible for your own choices. I can't believe I am still making these bad choices.
I make myself have these bad days. I am the idiot waiting by the phone and then disappointed. I am the sick one who is still hoping things will go back to that great way they were a cpl of mos. ago. My head knows I need to get off the roller-coaster because it is making me more ill than being fun, but my heart is just hanging on to the rails like I'll never feel the thrill of another ride. I keep reading all your thoughts on being addicted to the bio-chemicals our own self makes. I believe that. I keep telling myself (and praying) that I can discover ways to bring out those good feelings in myself, by myself. I am sure not feeling that now though.
Thanks for your thoughts. These posts are the only thing keeping me sane right now.
Breathe
Breathe -
I can relate. My parents divorced when I was 2. My father wasn't around mych until I was 6 and even then it was scattered and just not a very good relationship (he remarried and I didn't get along w/ his new wife - wicked stepmother ring a bell??). My mom remarried when I was 8, but my stepfather is more of a friend than a father figure. Anyway, I started modeling and acting when I was young (about 8). I remember one time in high school, my best friend & I (we have the same 1st name) over heard some people talikng about us - they referred to us as the "pretty one" and the "smart one". And so it began...
I too was never single. My first real boyfriend was when I was 14. If someone broke up with me, I would go through these obsessive months where I tried everything to get them back - sick thing is, usually when I let go, they come running back to me. The few good ones I have been with, I usually get bored with and end up breaking their hearts. It's the jerks that I fall in love with! Except my H - he is one of the good guys. When we met, I had just gotten out of a 6 year relationship with a jerk. I felt ugly and worthless. I started dating/sleeping with a male friend of mine who I had had a crush on for years. It helped boost my self esteem and when my now H asked me out, I jumped at the chance. We have been together ever since that first date.
I also used IC as a means of control - if you read any of my previous posts, you know my xOM has tried to turn me into his booty call. I actually thought it might be ok - maybe he would come back to me...how very, very sad.
I have just started counseling - in fact today is my second session. I am hoping to work through alot of these issues as to avoid EVER having to deal with them again.
Good luck to you and know you are NOT alone.
Diva
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BREATHE~
Listen to your mother. She is right. If you want to be there for your kids when they need Mama's sound advice, you better wake up and smell the
Hey Breathe,
I'm glad you're here. You're in the right place. Nobody here can tell you what to do, because you're going to do what you want, but we can share our experience, strength and hope with you. We've all been where you've been, done what you've done. I can tell you with absolute 100% conviction that what you're going through isn't going to get better. You are not going to have the nirvana fantasy that you're involved in right now. God, it DOES feel good to be wanted by someone, even if only sexually....AT FIRST. But as time goes on, and you start to wake up and see the relationship for what it really is, it doesn't feel so good anymore. It sounds like you're starting to experience that yourself. And though you don't actually say that you feel badly about it affecting your marriage, only that it IS affecting your marriage, chances are you do feel badly about it, and that, too, starts to eat at you and eat at you and eat at you. Eventually, you will get to a place where the only time you really feel good about this A is when you're with the person. The minute you leave, you feel bad, and when you're in your "real" life, you feel bad. It's unfortunate that he is your boss. It will probably affect your job. Maybe not, I guess that's really up to the two of you, but it probably will. And it's already affecting his! Of course he's alarmed! It's not like you can just go out and grab yourself another job. All things we don't think about when we're in the throes of passion. With any A, consequences occur.
Having been through what you're going through, and come out on the other side, I can tell you that if you value your marriage at all, if you value the lifestyle you have with your husband at all, if you value your job, if you value the relationship you HAD with this man, if you value your emotional sanity, you will SERIOUSLY re-evaluate your decision to enter into this, and you will decide to END IT. Now, before more damage, irreversable damage is done. I guarantee you...if you do still love your husband and want to stay married to him, him finding out about this will be devastating. Some couples never, ever recover. You could be one of them. Great orgasms and titillating sexual romps are not worth destroying your life over. They just aren't. And the chances of it being anything more than this, really, are slim. Very slim. He WILL choose his family.
Good luck to you, and keep coming back.
Silly
Breathe
Have you noticed that in every one of your posts that you put yourself down you insult yourself and otherwise beat the hell you of you, it seems clear that you have some real self-esteem issues going on here, a low self esteem could also explain way you need to have these men in your life making you feel special.
I think a GOOD IC could help you to address this problem and onced addressed it could make a big difference in how you conduct your life and relationships.
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