Feeling rejected I guess
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:47am |
I've been sitting here all morning crying because I'm such a weak person I can't find the strength to just start NC with my MM. I know in my head that's what I have to do, but when that stupid idealist in me keeps that flicker of hope that the fantasy of ending up with him still has a chance, I can't do it. Honestly, I don't know if it's him I want, or just the feeling he gave me of being wanted. I'm not getting that anymore, and that's where the crappy rejected feeling comes in.
I've been in an A for 4 months now. Both of us are married. I have kids and he doesn't. We work together- he is my boss, so we had to be discreet at work because we could lose our jobs if found out. In the beginning, it was so cool. The way we'd look at each other we thought electricity sparked between us. It was more emotional though at first. We talked a lot, tried to keep from getting too attached, but we were saying i love you in the first month. We couldn't wait to spend an actual day together, and the first "date" was awesome. Just him, me, and my 2-yr-old hiking in the summer. We met up after work on the nights we worked together. Then I started meeting him for his lunches. I came over to his house on his days off. It was so great, and we were so caught up in each other nothing else mattered. We were both getting distant from our spouses, and right before Halloween he had a huge fight with his W.
Then everything changed.
He started realizing how he was jeapordizing his life- his job most of all. He kept saying how paranoid he was and I could tell he wasn't his happy self when we were together. He was always anxious. I called him on it- if he wanted to end things and he said no. But right after that- we got caught at work. Not actually caught, but someone raised suspicion and he went under investigation at work. That stopped all contact but the phone. I went from seeing him (and kissing him) every day, to nothing. He said he still felt the same, but he had to stay away from me until everything at work blew over. I was a mess cuz I missed him so much. He kept telling me he missed me too, but he couldn't think about anything else but keeping his job. I drove to his house after about 10 days. We had IC and I got my "fix", but I had to leave cuz he had his brothers coming over, and when I left this time, I felt pretty crappy.
Since then, I've been reading all the Ending the Affair posts, but I'm not sure I want to end it. I feel like I love him, but maybe I'm just hurting cuz I think he's losing his feelings for me. I still talk to him on the phone every day, but it's been strained b/c I'm always asking him if he still wants to see me and being very pathetic (and hating myself for giving him all this power now.)
This week his days off are Tuesday and Thursday. I told him with two days off I want to see him one of those days. I kinda made some comments to the effect that if he loved me, he should want to see me too. Yes it was just last Tuesday night I was there, but like I said, we were seeing each other every day. A week is a long time for me. He wouldn't commit anything yet on the phone. I'll be talking to him tomorrow and I want to be strong and not a pathetic chaser. If he won't commit to seeing me Tuesday, I have to accept that we are just not on the same page as we were. I have to be able to say let's forget this then, but I'm telling you I don't think I can do it. He is NOT the aggressive type, and I'm afraid I would NEVER hear from him again. I don't think my heart is ready for that.
I know I need to back off and let it go. If it's over, I will know soon. I'm just feeling sorry for myself b/c I knew that if I got involved in this A, it would most likely be ME that fell in harder and ended up losing. BTW, my marriage is really suffering from this A right now b/c I have emotionally pulled away and my H knows there is someone else on my mind. My MM's W has no clue, so right now his life is just hunky-dory! That's pissing me off too.
Thanks for letting me vent. And please, I can use support for ending this A. When it's bringing me more pain that joy, I would guess it's time to walk away.
Thanks.

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I'm sure more counseling would help me, but I really feel I have a handle on myself. I know my weakness when it comes to that "high." I know I am a love addict. (Gonna check out those boards too.) My problem is that I have to get to the point where there is NO "high" anymore to give it up.
I know what happened today is a failure to some, but for me it was a good step towards the end. I waited for MM to call all morning, and I ended up calling him. I told him I wanted to see him today and he said no. I talked and talked about why he should want to see me, while he was saying I should respect the fact that he has a lot on his mind and doesn't want to see me. I basically lowered myself to about as low as I could, begging and practically crying and guilting him until he finally said "when are you coming over?" I felt some relief, but I was sick at myself for acting like that and not having the balls to just say "well screw you then. if you don't want to see me then what are we doing? it's over." But I couldn't get the words out.
So I went there. I was there about 10 minutes before we started kissing, and you all know the rest. And of course he said how glad he was I came over. And of course I got the "look of love" from his eyes. And while we were together, everything bad went away. Until the moment the sex was over. I could feel the air deflating from the balloon, you know? We hung out for about a half hour, not really talking about much. He basically said I was pushy and aggressive and I know from reading on here that guys don't like that. It was good to hear because it tells me I'm the one keeping this going and I can be the one to end it. No I love you's this time from either of us. Kiss goodbye without the look of love. Made me think maybe I misread his earlier look that really meant "wow i love having sex with you" which definitely does not mean love.
So as I got in my car to go home, I actually felt okay. I didn't cry because I felt sort of an acceptance, a closure of some kind I guess. I think I have the mindset now to let go of this. I think that as much as I don't want to believe it, this A is just physical for him, and an emotional drug for me. Anything that makes me lose all my self-respect and dignity cannot be a good thing. I don't regret the IC today. It was awesome- the way I want to remember him. Now I need to turn the page.
I want to rekindle feelings for my H, but it is going to take some time. We are not sleeping in the same bed right now, and IC with him is not on my mind at the moment. I do want to end up with my H and get back to the great place we were a year ago, but there is a lot of work ahead.
I know I let everyone down, but I feel like I gained some much-needed perspective today. Thanks, and I hope I'm not back on here a blubbering mess in a few days!
Breathe
Breath
No one is looking at this in terms of success or failure, your not here to prove anything to anyone.
I my mind it is about the FUTURE and dealing with the reasons the present happened so you can have that future you want, It hase been my experience that if you do not deal with the reason something breaks it will almost certainly break again.
Wishing you wisdom and peace
Free
Breathe -
Wow - I understand how that goes. It's been almost 2 weeks since I was in that same position with my xOM. My situation was a little different. I was at the bar, hadn't spoken to xOM in over a week, called him, he said he wanted to see me, we got together, I asked him if he just wanted sex, he said yes, I said ok. G-D did I feel patehtic afterwards! Anyway, in the middle of 'it' my H called to make sure I was ok. xOM freaked out and said "What we were doing is wrong". I kept asking him why it was so wrong if he just wanted sex from me anyway and didn't have any feelings for me - all he said was that it just was and I was reading too much into it.
Regardless, I felt sick w/ myself and stupid for even being there and calling him. This Friday will be 2 weeks w/ NC. I have started therapy and am working on rekindling my relationship w/ H. He doesn't know about the A, but I have definitley put up a wall between us.
Anyway, I wish you strength and peace in your journey. Know that you are not alone.
Diva
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