Feeling sad, and yet...much happier...
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 03-07-2005 - 5:51pm |
The story...
Met my MM at work, and within a few months, the two of us were involved in an EA. He was very quiet with his wife about the whole ordeal, and I, strangely, was more open about it with my DH. DH and I always joked about MM being my "boyfriend" and he quite frequently knew when MM and I were together. I think, in a way, this made DH less suspicious, but also helped me when the affair came out in the open. Because I had been "relatively" honest with DH, he still felt a greater sense of trust with me, and was more open to working through our problems.
In September, after a few months of suspecting the affair, MM's wife finally broke into his email account and found all of our emails. She also found his journal, in which he wrote many entries about the two of us, and a song which he had written for and about me professing his love. They had already been in marriage counseling, partly because she suspected he "had a thing for me," partly because the two of them did not really communicate about anything. Naturally, once she found out she called my husband to inform him, and of course, I denied it at first. After a few days of telling him it was crazy, I fessed up. Everything got crazy from there, and I went through the emotions with both MM and DH. MM kept telling me how much he loved me, and would say things like "I'm torn between doing what is right and following my heart" (i.e. right thing = stay with wife because I feel obligated, following my heart = I love you and want to be with you) and "I always wanted children with you. I maybe wanted children with her." And DH was so forgiving. In a lot of pain, yes, but very forgiving. Not to mention optimistic. I think his optimism rose when I quit my job.
After months of confusion and trying desperately to remove MM from my head and my heart, I was finally dealt the last blow. The day before my grandmother died, I gave MM a letter, in which I told him goodbye, and assured him that all I wanted for him was to be happy. That same night, he came to my house. Why? I don't know...to tell my once again that he loved me but that "it can never happen" I suppose. By this point, I was fed up with the constant pain. Fed up with all of his lies. Fed up with hurting DH. So the next day, on my way home to my grandmother's funeral, I called MM to tell him that I did not want to ever see him again. His wife answered the phone and, of course, b*tched me out. I threw a few things back in her face, but was quickly shut up when she said that he had told her that he "loved her more." Amazed and confused by his lack of courage at telling me that those were his true feelings, I called him later that day at work to confirm. His response was a very half-hearted "I believe so," to which I called him a coward and said he would never hear or see from me again.
So a vow was made to myself to test out the whole NC thing with MM. Problem is, he works in a place where I have friends, and that is very close to where I live.
I went to my former place of employment today to purchase something and briefly saw him (only long enough to tell him happy early birthday and walk away). The look on his face was priceless when I walked in, as he has not seen or heard anything from me since December. As soon as I walked out of the store, I panicked. Worried that he would call his wife and then she would call me and b*tch me out again, I called him when I got home to see if he was going to let her know. Stupid, I know, but we all make mistakes. He told me that he had promised her "no more lies" to which I replied, "I didn't go there for you. I had an item I needed to purchase and you happened to be there. I gave up fighting for you a long time ago. It took too much out of me emotionally and physically, and I just realized it was not worth it anymore. I noticed the date on my receipt and thought it would be nice to tell you happy birthday." That pretty much ended our conversation. In a way, it hurt me to be so cold and callous with him, as I know that he will be thinking about this "encounter" for a long time to come. But at the same time it felt very freeing and invigorating to tell him that he is not all I think about anymore. My life is moving on despite the great pain that he caused me. My life with DH is getting better than ever. We have opened up to one another much more than I ever thought would be possible after such a great ding in our relationship. Our future is bright together, and I have just about come to terms with all of the damage that I helped bring to our relationship. My DH has been more than forgiving and has provided me with a warmth and a security that I never imagined.
I know that it takes time to heal, and I will deal with these issues my entire life, I am sure. I also know that I am very okay with the concept of NC. It wasn't at all hard for me to stay away for the few months that I did, and I know now that it will be even easier for me to do it this time.
To know that I have someone beside me who, by all accounts should not be here, means more to me than all of the sweet emails and songs that my MM could ever send my way. My DH is an amazing man, and I consider myself very lucky to still have him in my life.

YR
" My DH is an amazing man, and I consider myself very lucky to still have him in my life."
Nicely put, make sure you remember to tell your DH what you told us from time to time.
Free