.... feeling sad once again.
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| Sat, 01-02-2010 - 2:23am |
I am up late at might again. Feeling empty inside. Although I am sure that I am doing the right thing. I cant escape that powerless feeling of emptiness and grief. I am doing alot of reading to get me through.. thought of sharing with you as well.
An Affair
by Aprile
Before you get involved
Make sure you understand the rules
To this game
You must remember you will never get his name
It was already given
Once in his life
And she is now his wife
You'll need to know
Never let your feelings show
Keep them hidden inside
Never let them see you've cried
The game
It's always a game
Will always end the same
You will pay
The price, not him
If you play
No matter what they say
Never let them become a part
Of your heart
It's a little game
And you know their name
They are all the same
They will look you in your eyes
Believe me, all they say is lies
No matter what you give
They have to live
They have their life
With their wife
In the end
It's all the same
In this game
They walk away
And find someone else to play
They will leave you in pain
And then ask yourself
what did you gain
In this game?
Endings
by Beverly
WRONG
My mind tells my heart
SIN The world would say to me
EXCITEMENT
Like I haven't felt in years
SELFISH
My most defining characteristic
HAPPINESS
I feel when near you
FRUSTRATION
Because I can't touch you
GUILT
Consumes me
INTEREST
In all that you are, have been, or will be
REMORSE
For getting to this level
ENVIOUS
Of the one who keeps your house, your grin, and those eyes
KNOWLEDGE
That those eyes will never look at me the way I need them too
LOVE
Undeniable ache in my chest
ACCEPTANCE
Of fate
HOPELESS
This situation
GOODBYE
What I must say to you
PAIN
Palpable for longer than I will ever admit
RESPECT
I will always have for you
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Edited 1/2/2010 2:49 am ET by i_believe_in_myself

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And it's just not worth the shattered heart that one has to work hard at to put back together.
Good Morning i Believe,
I hope that eventually you got some sleep. Things appear that much scarier and darker if we have not slept. I go through that all the time..
I wanted to let you know that it is ok to feel the way you feel. It really is, and, is to be expected. Reading is great and it really helps me, too. It helps explore your feelings and offer some new light on how and why we're feeling the way we are, in this case, sad.
What i want to say next is a bit different from the advice we normally get on here and i apologize for this in advance. I think that is is quite ok to be sad, and to "dwell" on what has been, and on ending the A. it is ok to question oruselves, what happened, why did it happen, etc. To me, this is the only way of survining the end. If i told myself i had to go NC and just forget it all and fake it till i make it, and supress all i'm feeling inside, that ADDS to my depression and therefore to the problem. This is a stupid example but if you've ever seen the show Hoarders (it's silly but it's one of the shows i watch) they deal with people who have oCD. They never force them into overcoming their feelings, they simply have them talk about it, explain it, and that way it becomes easier to overcome it. Sorry if i'm not explaining myself clearly.
The main thing is for you to let yourself feel how you feel, try to stay true to your nature, and, fight it by understanding it. Not be supressing it.
It takes a long time to get over someone you felt you loved. A very long time. And, if the person initiated NC rather than you (sorry i dont recall who ended the A), that adds rejection to the mix of emotions to deal with. Give it time and give yourself permission to be sad, but make sure you're reading and trying to undersatnd those emotions, to feel them, to allow them out rather then push them back in and say "no i can't feel that way!" that way they just boil and boil until they finally explode and so does the progress you've made.
Hang in there and remember we are all here for you.
Sunshine
.
sunshine, I agree with you. For some people, that seems to be the best course of action. Everyone is different, different strokes for different folks. I like your comparison with the hoarder. Like many programs, the person has to admit the problem first, understand what it is doing to them and their life and loved ones. And then the biggie, set out on a course of action to change their behavior. I know for me going NC after months of trying to, finally set me free. But then I still had months of dealing with the residual ending pain. Even now, over a year later, I still struggle with triggers and questions about my own involvement with xAP.
I believe,
I feel your pain and its ok to let yourself feel. I'm still struggling day to day. I'm up and down. i feel better and then I start feeling sad again. It's so frustrating b/c when I think I'm getting better, that big wave of sadness hits me and leaves me confused and dazed. If you want to email me you can.. I understand what you are going through.
waiting and bandk- I like both of you guys post. It's true that everyone is different and everyone does things at a different pace. The same method doesnt work for everyone. If you dont question and look at things that happened and try to figure out why you did what did, then you wont change. It may continue to happen over and over with the current ap or a completely new one and who wants to go through this nonsense with a new person? This is defitely hard and even crippling sometimes but I know it cant stay this way forever. I have to believe that.
Oh, Sunshine, I always felt we thought on similiar wave lengths...lol
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
sienna,
I will listen to your stories anytime. If you want to talk here or you can email me, either is fine. I'm like you and llost, I have to get it out or I feel like I'll either go crazy or pop. Sometimes I wish I could keep it all in but I cant. That's just how it is.
Thanks Bandk and llost.
I get confused when all A are pained with the same brush, and thereby all endings are perscribed the same recipe. Yes, all A do share commonalities but they are also different. The only thing in common is that they must end.
WE are different. oUR lives are different. oUR personalities are different. oUR strengths/weaknesses/priorities/tolerance for pain and for change,
Sunshine
.
Yes, we are all different. We all know ourselves (or should) and "should" know that the affair is wrong and how to end it. But I'm living proof knowing all that didn't help me one iota! (laughing here) It took this board to see the honest truths and behaviors that existed in so many affairs, mine included.
That being said, I ended it
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