.... feeling sad once again.
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| Sat, 01-02-2010 - 2:23am |
I am up late at might again. Feeling empty inside. Although I am sure that I am doing the right thing. I cant escape that powerless feeling of emptiness and grief. I am doing alot of reading to get me through.. thought of sharing with you as well.
An Affair
by Aprile
Before you get involved
Make sure you understand the rules
To this game
You must remember you will never get his name
It was already given
Once in his life
And she is now his wife
You'll need to know
Never let your feelings show
Keep them hidden inside
Never let them see you've cried
The game
It's always a game
Will always end the same
You will pay
The price, not him
If you play
No matter what they say
Never let them become a part
Of your heart
It's a little game
And you know their name
They are all the same
They will look you in your eyes
Believe me, all they say is lies
No matter what you give
They have to live
They have their life
With their wife
In the end
It's all the same
In this game
They walk away
And find someone else to play
They will leave you in pain
And then ask yourself
what did you gain
In this game?
Endings
by Beverly
WRONG
My mind tells my heart
SIN The world would say to me
EXCITEMENT
Like I haven't felt in years
SELFISH
My most defining characteristic
HAPPINESS
I feel when near you
FRUSTRATION
Because I can't touch you
GUILT
Consumes me
INTEREST
In all that you are, have been, or will be
REMORSE
For getting to this level
ENVIOUS
Of the one who keeps your house, your grin, and those eyes
KNOWLEDGE
That those eyes will never look at me the way I need them too
LOVE
Undeniable ache in my chest
ACCEPTANCE
Of fate
HOPELESS
This situation
GOODBYE
What I must say to you
PAIN
Palpable for longer than I will ever admit
RESPECT
I will always have for you
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Edited 1/2/2010 2:49 am ET by i_believe_in_myself

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Great post for sure! Its ironic.... you're saying that we all have different needs and ways we need to go about ending our A....but then as I read on to the rest of the responding posts, I notice we ALL feel the exact same way LOL! We are all experiencing this same pain, same feeling of helplessness and sadness.... In SO MANY ways we are the same! But no, I see what you're trying to say... we can't all be painted with the same A brush, and end it the same!
I contacted my Xap 6 days ago and told him I'm done. That goes against everything we're taught here, really. NC is plain and simple... DO NOT CONTACT. I sent him an email strictly as an explanation as to why I can't be his friend...told him not to respond. He responded, with a very nice response, and I don't regret one bit that I sent that to him. I didn't respond again, but I'm glad I didn't.... I left the power in my hands. *I* ended it. Even though he had been slowly ending it for months... I had the last word, and that makes me feel a BIT in control, even though I know I have none.... Still makes me feel a little better about this.
I keep reminding myself that I did this, I started willingfully in this A, and now I'm suffering the consequences.... I'm accepting my punishment. As much as it hurts like hell, it does feel like the pain is subsiding.... but sooooo slowly. I still have had alot of 3rd party contact with him this entire week, unfortunately, so maybe that's why I'm not hurting as much. I still sorta know what he's up to... I can't wait til I don't know anything...
Hey, believe...I hope you are feeling better. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Let it hurt, let yourself miss him, get mad at yourself, get mad at him, then last but definitely not least.....love yourself!
I just posted that I've been feeling better....2 days straight now...and I'm serious when I say I couldn't go for longer that 2 hours before this *SNAP* I had where I would feel good....it was like I woke up and I.....was.....done.....
I have a teeny pinpoint of pain left in my heart for my xap when before it felt like I'd had a shotgun blast that took out the middle of my chest. It was shotgun blast sized, then watermelon sized, then orange sized and now it's something I need to actually
Honestly, IBIM...I have to disagree with some.
Sorry I haven't been on here to respond sooner. It was a busy weekend. Good thing I suppose. I am blown away by all the support by each and every one of you. I really can't do this on my own. So glad I can come on here and just be 'me'. I am on 7 days NC (I think) yes last Monday was last C. I am feeling better. I know myself and I have told myself over and over in the past that "I can handle it" a message here and there won't hurt but it did. More than NC. I am going to give NC a chance. I really haven't given it a chance. I did go NC for 2 months prior to this run. It still hurt even after 2 months. I will give it a chance. I do thank you all for your great advice I really do. But I know with my XAP there will never be any closure EVER!! I have sent him the lengthiest emails/ msgs/ phone calls. Nothing. I get silence. He will let me simmer down and come back as nothing ever happened. He disregarded everything I told him. I am so glad for you guys that got there closure. I only wish! I wish to hear.. i didnt mean to hurt you! etc. Wont happen I know. I will come to you guys to vent my feelings for him. They are so strong and I cant keep them inside. I would explode LOL. So lets go for Day 8 NC!! So freaking hard. I wish there was an easier out. I needed to get myself out of that toxic environment that I have been in for so long.
Free- Im so glad you are doing better.. i will go read your post and get the details :).
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Edited 1/4/2010 1:26 am ET by i_believe_in_myself
Take any emotion – love for a woman, or grief for a loved one…. if you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.~ Morrie~
I have read Tuesdays with Morrie a while back and I think I will read it again. It is a great read. I highly recommend it. Above is just one quote that I have gotten from the book. It really does help you see things from a different perspective. Need to re-visit LOL
--Shawn Alexander
hang in there I believe...hang in there, you can do this. i wanted all the same things you did, i thought this whole NC thing was to get him to miss me, get him to see what he had, to make him squirm n want me back, make him apologize, all that, I wanted it....it was like "I will show you"
Guess what 4 full weeks n not a word from him....nothing, this man never cared about me, he cared about no one but himself.
that was my initial approach to NC...not anymore. I honestly think I am better now, overall I am better.
I am not well, but I am better. Make sense? Time....time is the only closure we will ever get. Time and letting go...really letting go, is the only way to heal and be whole again. I am getting there, on my way. Give it more time and u shall see, it hurts a little less....u see things a bit differently, thoughts are fleeting and u are able to shut em out when u need to...time. I am still struggling, but i refuse to give up. I will not break NC...first i thought it was tool for revenge, a tool to make him want me, a tool to let him see I am strong...and I u will be so sorry....for losing me.
Now its a the best tool for me to get me in order. Hope you get there....and we can do this together.
here if you need me....
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