Feeling so jealous...

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Feeling so jealous...
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Wed, 11-17-2004 - 7:58pm

Goodness- its been so long since I've been with OM. A month of NC and really several months since we were involved in any way. But its so hard detaching after almost 5 years of an on and off affair. I suppose what really makes it so hard is he lives across the street and I see all their comings and goings and am friends with his wife and our children all play together. Our lives are so intertwined its hard to forget about him.

What makes it harder is the fact that he's become somewhat of a local celebrity lately and has a lot of attention on him. I almost feel like I was 'left behind' = especially with how our affair ended. We had always talked and planned about being together and it almost seemed like something he wanted more than I, but then one day after coming very close to making some big decisions, he decided that he couldn't leave his kids. From there he evolved into wanting to have a sexual relaitonship with me, but would not have anything else - ie. just friends. I couldn't believe it. It actually seemed unreal that he would really say - If we're not having sex I don't want anything to do with you, but it really is what he said. I was crushed. After thinking I was the love of his life - that he would do anything for, there it was - the ugly truth lying in a pile at my feet. All I could do is give it a kick and walk away.

Anyway, back to now. Here he is getting all this attention and fanfare and I have to say I feel stuck in the shadows. His wife and I have always had a strange relationship. I've always felt that I'm in competition with her - even when he's not in the picture at all. Its weird, when she is having a good day and looks really beautiful and everything seems to be going her way, I almost feel like I'm seething with jealousy. Ofcourse when I see her and its not a good day for her - I feel fine and although I miss him - its bearable. Why am I so jealous of her though? How do I get over these feelings? She is a part of my life that is not going to go away, and I need to rise above somehow. I also need to find a way to deal with him and his new found fame. How do I feel like I'm not looking through a window all the time watching his life and get back to living my own??

I did read a little of that book 'He's just not that into you' last night and I must say it did help. Made me realize a lot about him and the affair and how I made so many excuses for his behaviour instead of just realizing he was full of pretty words and little else - except maybe crap. Could all these hard feelings be tied into the fact that I feel duped?

I remember Noregrets ever saying one time that you have to start out by asking yourself what need your OM fullfilled for you. I know now that it was that I just felt a real emotional attachment. My husband is very distant and frankly all my firends are very busy raising their families - there is no one that I'm super close to anymore. He was fun, sexy, supportive and an escape from my life. I love my life, but there is alot of work to it and I feel like I'm giving 98% of the time and getting 2%. I think I allowed myself the indulgence, because I felt I deserved it.

Anyway, I know I'm totally rambling, but I would really love to get some feedback from anyone on what I can do about this jealousy and the feeling that I'm watching his life instead of living mine...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 8:13pm

Crystal

" Could all these hard feelings be tied into the fact that I feel duped?" (you were duped)

You bet you, it happens all the time.

Make more "ME TIME" and find happy healthy ways to use it to reward yourself for all your hard work, you felt that you deserved your escape from reality and you did/do, you just need to have that escape in a safe healthy way.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 8:37pm

Crystal -

Just want to send you some support. My xOM too had a "change of heart" after we broke up. When we were together, he told me I was the only girl he ever loved (or at least ever said I love you too) and the only girl he ever imagined himself spending forever with (I'm married - he's single). The suddenly about a month or so after we broke up, he called me from a bar around midnite and wanted to 'meet'. I was out with a friend, so I said sure - we can hook up after I drop my friend off. Little did I know, all he wanted was sex. He made it pretty clear that it was just that - no strings attached, no feelings. I knew I couldn't do that and walked away. I got several more 2am, I'm leaving the bar, wanna get laid messages and never acted on them. Good for you for doing the same.

Personally, I don't know how men can turn off their feelings and just sleep with someone after they have been in love with that person, but whatever!

Stay strong!!

Diva

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Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 10:29pm

OMG! You like im listening to my own twin, we are in the same situation. Everything you have posted, is excatly what is going on my life!

The closeness thing, he lives two doors down my townhome. I see myself constantly looking out the window. The jealosy thing with his wife! I feel the sameway> a weird friendship & a always competeing with her issue, in the, "who's better!" So forth. It amazing how we relate!!

I have read alot post here* but yours has called my attention. I know exactly how you are feeling... It like he just wanted me for sex! I had felt dumpped since he stop calling because I told him that sex, is not all I wanted. A night passion was not how I felt, and well he wanted just that, "sex."

So, I had planned a day for ourselves, to get back at him. Yeah, it kinda cruel but hey, I needed get my sanity back.. I called him Friday and told him I had something to tell him and i needed to see him in person ASAP!
We ended up meeting alone like planned. When we begin talking, I looked his eyes and gave him a kiss, and told him, "goodbye". LOL extreme, i know, but I had to do what I had to do! I miss him thou. Tead my other post. Feel free to get back with me, we have ALOT in common! :o)




Edited 11/17/2004 10:32 pm ET ET by shiningstarxsx
Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 8:01am

Thanks - and you're probably right. I probably do need to find healthy ways to rejuvinate myself.

Its difficult, because I do feel he probably lied to me quite a bit, and I've never known anyone who was a real liar. Its shocking.

Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 8:05am
Yeah its weird - I think women tie a lot more emotions into sex for sure. I guess we should be thankful to have them say these things to us - it makes walking away from them a whole lot easier.
Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 8:06am
I guess that is why we are all ending these affairs - to get our sanity back. I can tell you I've really missed having mine!
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Registered: 11-02-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 8:58am

<<>>>

Sadly, it's because they use the "Love" word as their ploy to get you in the sack in the first place. Love to them, IS SEX! This is why is it so important for women to understand that a man who truly cares for them will first respect her as a person before he attempts to bed her. Many affairs begin as JUST SEX, but unfortunatly women eventually get sucked in emotionally, while the man just wants immediate gratification in whatever way he can get it. I read somewhere that sexual thoughts go through a man's mind every 7 minutes.

Sunny
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Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:21am

What about the A's that don't begin as just sex? I have read alot of posts where the A begins emotionally (mine included). My xOM was TERRIFIED of the "L" word. Never said it to anyone - till me. It was actually part of the reason he ended things. He was scared of how he felt - especially because I was/am married - and he didn't know how to deal w/ these new feelings. He also felt like he was too young (25) for love. He was the kind of guy who never wanted to get married, never wanted to feel 'tied' to someone.

My xOM said to me in one of our last conversations that it was too hard for him to remain friends with me because that was how our 'relationship' started and he was afraid we would end up there again. When I asked then why he thought we could just sleep together and not end up there, he said because our 'relationship' didn't start from sex.

I still think that's a bunch of horse-puckey! Maybe I'm crazy, but I just don't think that you can truly be in love with someone, shut your feelings off and just have sex with them - especially after a month or two! I think it's a way of keeping some sort of control over the situation and not letting the other person move on. Thank G-d I had the sense to walk away :-)

Diva

Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:03am

I wonder the same thing. Despite how things ended up with my affair. I do know he had deep feelings for me. Many things he did proved that. And actually I do believe he wanted to be with me, he just couldn't do what it would take to get there. Actually, I probably couldn't have either. But I know he meant it when he said he loved me.

The weird thing is once it was decided that our relationship wouldn't evolve into anything - he still so desperately wanted the sex. I just couldn't. I proposed we'd just stay in touch, be friends, flirt a little etc. His response - only if we're having sex. His justification was that if we were 'in touch' it would drive him crazy not to be lovers. That just makes me laugh. There are all kinds of women he knows and I'm sure flirts with that he's not sleeping with - how could he prefer to not have me in his life at all. So, thats how it ends. I don't think in our case he wanted sex without the emotional side, it was rather he didn't want the emotions without the sex.

Anyway, glad this whole mess is done with now. It probably is for the best we've ended up not talking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 12:05pm

Crystal,

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I didn't think about it that way....makes sense. Men are funny creatures. Just when I think I have them figured out, turns out I don't :-) I'm glad I didn't cave and sleep w/xOM after the A ended. I think it would have just made things so much worse (hard to imagine). I know my xOM truly loved me and I know on some level, feelings would have been involved. I just couldn't put myself through that pain again. As hard as walking away has been, it's better than hurting myself, him and my H (who doesn't know about the A)all over again!

xOM and I ended things pretty badly. I think it was the only way, in our situation. I wish we could have remained friends, but in retrospect, I have no idea how we could have. Again - feelings.

Diva