Feeling, um, lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Feeling, um, lost.
12
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 1:56pm

So here I am 4 days to tweenerville and I'm numb.

You guys have been with me along the way as I broke NC not once but twice - both within days of reaching the goal of tweenerville.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 2:35pm

Lolly, I am sure someone wiser and farther along on this journey will come along real soon, but I just wanted to first of all, give you a big hug

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 2:36pm

(((Lolly)))

I wish with all my heart that I could tell you what's next.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 2:42pm

Hi Lolly,

Sorry you are feeling lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 3:14pm

Lolly,

I agree with UBM on finding a replacement therapist. Get a referral from the one you have now. He/she should have suggested someone right off the bat.

That numb feeling...well, I had it for a very long time...way past a year. It's a way we protect our hearts/minds from any further thrashings. The "enough is enough" stuff goes further than just our A. We are at our breaking point in many other areas at that time too, but the A takes front row until the pain begins to subside. After we start feeling a little better, we discover other areas of our lives that are broken and possibly unsalvageable too. Emotional numbing is okay for a while, but just going through the motions leaves little room for growth, KWIM? It took me a long time to realize this.

As for your H moving back....well, he can move wherever he wants to. They're his kids too, but it doesn't mean you have to converse with him any more or less than you do now. Set boundaries...just like in any relationship. We MUST learn how to do this (one thing everyone should learn to do after having an A), if you want to be in control of your life... to the best of your ability. Of course there are always extenuating circumstances, but once boundaries are in place you will at least have a map to follow for what will and will not be acceptable.

I'm polishing your new Tweener Wings over the weekend and can't wait to give them to you. So, you're having a crappy day...so am I, but oh well. It will pass...tomorrow could be the best day ever...you never know. :smileyvery-happy:

Love and ((hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 4:33pm

(((((Lolly)))))

Such wise words from everyone, so there's not much more I can add. I do agree wholeheartedly with getting a temporary T, hopefully with a recommendation from the one you have.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 6:06pm
Dear Lolly,

You're gonna make it. You hear me? Yup. This is it. The recognition that NOW this is what living in your real life feels like, there is no escape - there is just you and YOUR choices. You can move forward, and move forward you will. Thinking back fondly of your marriage and the life you once shared is to be expected, just don't think that it was where you wanted to be, or could still be today. Memory has a funny way of changing the experiences ... we see things differently from different transitional points in our lives. You have been through so much change and personal growth, that ALL sorts of things get processed at the same time. Even things we thought we had found closure on.

The next phase of this journey is hard - but differently hard. I found it to be my saddest time .. quiet sadness. The sadness of reflection, evaluation and loneliness. I also found it to be a time of GREAT personal growth, and deep insights into myself were discovered. I found I felt exhausted for no good reason, but then I would remind myself of all I had been through, and all the great work my mind was doing on healing even if I wasn't aware of it.

Ride this dip out, know that you're holding strong, and that we love you.

((hugs))

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 6:55pm

(((((((((((((lolly)))))))))))),

Lots of hugs going round today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 9:42pm
My darling boardies – Thank you for your love and support. UBM – it doesn’t take experience to give words and support to a fellow ender. I appreciate your love and care. I love that Kierkegaard quote – “Life has its own hidden forces which you can only discover by living. Life must be lived forward, but can only be understood backwards.” Perhaps I need to make it into a new sig since I feel like I’m pas the weeble wobble stage. As for the ex coming back – while I DO want him to have a relationship with our kids (they need him and I know this), I know him – and he will attempt to pick up joint friendship/ and church friends like nothing happened and I don’t know if emotionally I’m ready to take all that on. If he does choose to come back here, I will as always, deal with it so that my kids can attempt to have him in their lives. CSN – Thank you. I do think the numb is part of healing – and it is uncomfortable. Sadly those early days in ending had so much I had to constantly think of, do, read, remind myself of, etc. – and since I am past that point I’m just kind of in a weird limbo where the intellectual and emotional resettle and try to reconcile everything. MC – I’m sorry you are feeling sad too. exH is a good person, tho his track record of responsibility is not great. I wish I could turn over discipline to him – but he’d never go for it – that has always just been left to me. Lucky for me I have amazing kids who rarely need me to crack the whip. My kids are 15, 17 and almost 19 (2 in high school, 1 in college) . Iddy – Thank you. “ we discover other areas of our lives that are broken and possibly unsalvageable too. “ I think this is where I am - and I’m realizing that more or less I am left to reinvent my entire existence – and it scares the holy crap out of me. Perhaps it is just the process of agreeing on the boundaries that worries me. Everything has been this long- drawn out thing – he seems like he’ll be a good guy but he doesn’t stick to plan or follow the yellow brick road (ugh) so some of it is a struggle. I AM getting those wings tho – so polish away pal! Always – thanks for the reminder of spring – and for your support – new perspective may just be the answer. As for the T issue – I do think that perhaps it’s time to branch out and see if I can’t find a fill-in or replacement. I called my T tonight to see if she’d recommend someone and she agreed. Thanks and love to you all -
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2010
Fri, 01-14-2011 - 10:08pm
Thank you for looking up the quote, Lolly. I was trying to post FAST and didn't take the time. I think that would be a great signature line. I forgot the first part. Such a good reminder. Live and learn. Know better, do better. And you are doing it, doll! The new you can manage those things you are worrying about. Don't let your worry about tomorrow rob you of your joy for today. Getting your support system in place is with a back up T is the best you can do to prepare yourself. One day at a time.

And get ready to rock those wings!!

[[[Lolly]]]
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2010
Sat, 01-15-2011 - 2:56am

hi Lolly

First off, you are strong because you are a strong woman and standing on your own. The T will be back but don't worry. You can deal and you have us and the board. But honey, give yourself more credit. You are doing the right things by yourself! You have done very well.

I can understand that you wouldnt want ex near BUT, if you can try to think of it as good for the kids -- that is the best if parents can be near each other to share the parenting and it's good for them to have both of you. I would commend him for wanting to be near them and in their lives. I have an ex who is just about a deadbeat and really a selfish prick. He moved away from his kids (not for any good reason) and expects me to drive the hour and 1/2 to bring our teen daughter up to him. He sees her only like 4 days a month and barely does anything with her.

Love, Sunshine Dedicated to living my new life with integrity, truth and positive thoughts! I am worthy of true love and definitely worth the wait!

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