Feeling used and hurt...am I alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Feeling used and hurt...am I alone?
7
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 8:25am
I never thought I'd ever even think of allowing myself to get involved with someone married. I'm 23 and my life has been great up to this point. I casually met someone who is the same age as me, so we had a lot in common. Being young in the work place, and starting out our careers. I knew he was married but he started to really start having feelings for me. I found that I felt the same way. I felt like this was the love of my life and I was lucky to have found him. When we were great (in each other's presence) I felt like there was meaning and purpose to everything, but when he was gone (at home with his pregnant wife) I was a mess. I'm lonely, depressed, confused, and I haven't been taking an interest in normal things...friends, working out, etc. Yesterday we slept together and then he got out of bed and said he had to go meet his wife. I felt like a true prostitute. I'm the sex he's not getting at home and he used all this "love" crap to sucker me in. I'm ashamed and scared. Part of me is just so pissed off that I want to just call up his wife one day and let her know about her faithful husband. Then on the other hand, I want to be the bigger person and end things dignified. I can't keep crying all the time for him and I don't know where to even start getting over this.

Katelyn

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 10:27am
Well sweetie, I'd like to help you. You are the same age as my daughter so I believe I can. I know her world quite well and am so glad she isn't standing in your shoes right now. But I have had an affair with a MM also so there are some things I'd like to say to you and hope it helps.

Life requires boundaries. And no matter what you felt in this man's presence, it doesn't change what reality is. The fact is, he had no business getting personally involved with you and sharing any feelings he has. He is young also and perhaps he married for the wrong reasons, but that simply can't be your concern. What needs to be your concern is you. You have described yourself as being depressed and you are way too young to be going through this. You have so much life ahead of you and it is not the love of your life when he has a wife, period.

Okay so now you know the truth and need to deal with the pain associated with your choice to get involved with him. I can assure you once his baby is born, there will be an end to what he is doing with you. You need to put an end to it now. You can either think with your head or your heart and the bottomline right now is that you know better and you have to go with that. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up for making a bad decision to get involved with this man. And you need to also convince yourself that no matter what you "feel," it isn't right and it won't EVER be blessed by God. Think about it. When you get married, don't you want it to last forever? This world we live in has so many challenges for married couples that you don't need to enter into marriage without a firm hold on what God has in store for your life and by seeking his blessing for your marriage. Please, get yourself as far away from this man as possible. He is using you.

I want to recommend that you read an article about people who cheat in marriage. It is called CAKEMAN. Go to gloryb.com and on the right in pink you will see articles. Read the one called CAKEMAN. By doing so, you will gain insight as to the personality of the man you are dealing with. You may not like the answers there, but it is a strong dose of reality. Affairs are based in fantasy so the best gift you can give to yourself right now is to make a promise to yourself that you will get back to reality. That might be a good thing to tell this MM, that you're gonna stop fantasizing about something real with him because once you approach the subject, you'll get your answer. He will back off if that hasn't happened already.

So please, read the article and help yourself. I do believe you want to.

Hugs,

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 11:15am
I didn't think I'd ever do it either. I'm 26 and, like you, have never had a real problem in my life. THe biggest obstacles I've faced concern how maybe I'd gained 4 pounds and my pants feel tight. Somehow I have found myself a year into a relationship with a married man who is absolutely (with the exception of the marriage) perfect for me. I know it sounds like I'm a fool - and I know you feel like you're one, too. I know we're both smarter than this, but all the advice in the world about how we should hastily get OUT of these relationships doesn't help the fact that our feelings are CRUSHED. He and I are at the point now where he must decide to officially divorce his wife (who knows all about us) or move back into their home to be with their kids. It is heart-wrenching and horrible for him and me. I have no idea how to start getting over it, either. I don't even really know if I have to yet - my ego is such that I can't even believe he wouldn't choose me. Without even knowing me, I'm sure you know that what I'm saying doesn't make me as horrible a person as it sounds! I guess my point in all of this is that you are NOT, NOT, NOT alone. These feelings are real, they're awful and they just HURT. I know how you feel - you're smart and your brain is telling you to GET OUT because you deserve better. But the rest of you is telling you that in many ways, being with him makes you feel GOOD, and it's so hard to take something good away from YOURSELF! I wish I had advice for you. Let's make a deal - if either one of us figure out how to handle our problems, we'll share with the other! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 11:36am
Katelyn,

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain... sounds like you're starting to see him for what he really is, and to see the affair more clearly. He may say he loves you, but his feet are doing the real speaking when he walks home to his W every night... and that she's pregnant while he's sleeping with you - I'm sorry, but to me that is pretty crappy on his part.

The best and only advice I can give is to end it NOW. The sooner the better - the longer you stay involved with this guy, the worse you will feel and the more depressed you will get... I say that because I have been there done that - almost all of on this board have been there... If there's any way to avoid contact with him, that is the best. NO way is going to be easy for a while, and you will be sad and miss him, but you deserve a man who chooses YOU and only you, and who puts you first in his life...

Hugs and I'm glad you found this board...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 3:28pm
Katelyn,

I am so glad that you are realizing now that you don't need this in your life. If I could go back 3 years I would run so far away from my MM (the so called love of my life). I was almost 24 when I starting seeing my MM and now I am 27 years old!! I have wasted 3 years on this man, I was constantly going on the whole love thing and how unhappy he claims to be at home....But when it came down to reality, he was married and although he has moved out many times and things would be good for a couple weeks...he would eventually tell me he couldnt bear to live without his child and move back home but he wanted to see me everyday still.

It's taken me 3 years to realize that I have missed out on so many things these past years. I envy my friends who have had real relationships (good and bad but at least they were real), and those are the relationships that you and I should be having.

Please take it from me. No matter how happy he makes you and how much fun you two have, it's just not worth it; don't be me in 3 years please!!

Please stay strong and remember that although you may not be able to talk to your friends and family about this, there are many girls in your situation.

Take care and have fun this weekend with friends, that's my plan!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 8:23pm
Katelyn,

You are SO not alone. I'm just a few years older than you and the same thing happened to me. It's a tough place to be. I know its easier said than done, but you have to get out of this relationship before it starts to eat you alive even more than it already is. Except do a better job of it than I did. Whenever I tried to end it with him, he'd always say something too friggen nice to me and I'd give in (cheating on his wife aside, he wasn't a jerk). And when he tried to end it he came running back a week later and I was an idiot and let him. But boy do I wish it had really ended there because all that came after that was a pregnancy scare (NOT fun to think you're pregnant by someone else's husband... believe me) and his wife finding out. So my advice to you which I wish I had taken myself: end it now in an AMICABLE way (meaning don't go telling his wife) and stick to your decision. It will be HARD. Especially since you probably have to see him at work. You'll be tempted to go back. DON'T. You CAN go back to feeling like yourself again. It won't feel like it in the beginning, but you'll gain a LOT of perspective on the relationship as the weeks go by... and a few months from now you won't want to take him back even if he did divorce his wife. Believe me, I never thought I'd feel that way. And the best parts are: you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror again without shame, no more lying, no more questioning your morals, and you'll start enjoying the things you used to enjoy before all this B.S. started. Don't wait till the stuff hits the fan like I did. Get out before it starts flying.

NotTooBright

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 10:37pm
Just say "no" next time he asks.

Don't even bother trying to explain "why" to him; you owe him nothing. He won't understand anyway (would you talk to a box of rocks to explain why you are dumping them?)

Keep things professional at work; no personal conversations.

Don't call his wife. She is in for a lifetime of pain and suffering with him, you don't need to be a part of her pain. She has friends that can probably tell her about the two of you. Usually more people know than what you think.

The sooner you get out, the better.

Good luck. Make it happen. There is someone else out there for you, and at your age you have your whole life in front of you. The sooner your ditch this guy the better off you will be.

Make the break quick and clean.

If he annoys you at work, you might be able to report him to management. Most places of employment do not tolerate sexual harassment. A past relationship does not mean that you still want a relationship, so IT IS harassment if he keeps after you. And you could always tell the boss that you didn't know the guy was married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Mon, 05-12-2003 - 10:00pm
Glinda,

You have an insight in your posts that really reaches out to me. I picked the post feeling alone and used because that is how I feel now.I am married with two children. I have been seeing a man who is 10 yrs younger and makes me feel like I am on top of the world when I am with him. However, each time we are together I feel more awful afterwards. I have a great family and a job most people would kill to have at my age. This man puts excitment in my life and a chance to escape from reality to live a 20 something fantasy. I have stopped seeing him several times but always go back. He is in love with my married friend. She will not even consider leaving her husband for anybody or having an affair. I apparently do not have the same moral character that she does. He and I have said from the beginning it is just physical. I have used him as much as he as used me but it still hurts. I don't want to care about him but I wish he cared for me. I really wish that I would have never crossed the line. My husband loves me and would never cheat. I can never tell him the truth because I would lose everything. I just want to stop wanting this other person but it is so hard. I do not want to lose everything that I love and have worked so hard to get over someone who has only used me for his own headgames and needs. I would never choose this person for a life partner.