feeling utterly crushed.
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feeling utterly crushed.
| Sat, 01-01-2011 - 8:49pm |
What I've dreaded just happened. I ran into xap and his wife and feel like a mac truck just hit me. I turned the other way after we saw each other and no words were spoken..I haven't seen him in four months today. She knows about the A and me and I have so dreaded this happening. So many thoughts racing though my mind..today was a planned out of town get-away for us before we ended it..why? Why did I have to see them...why did he start this whole thing??? Why did he pursue another mans wife??? Why did I not let my NO mean NO??? Why was I so weak?? Why after blocking and walking can't it all just go away?? After spending time this morning journaling about my NYs resolutions and feeling so incredibly hopeful and so happy about NOT being on a trip with him..why today?? I am crushed and broken. I know it doesn't help that I've had bronchitis for a week and just can't shake it..but all I can think is why..why did we do this? And feeling hopeless right now.

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Did either of them try to speak to you? Did you end the affair?
4 months is not such a long time to get over a broken heart so don't be so hard on yourself.
As to why it happened. I don't know. But something was missing and he filled it at the time. We all want what we want and desires can be hard to resist. But you are out if it now, that's what you should focus on, you made he decision to have an affair but you also made the decision to stop it.
Dear is-love-enough,
To answer your avatar, of course love alone is NOT enough. Now it's time to snap outta your pity party and focus on all the things you HAVE instead of all the things you don't have ...
Reflect on YOUR actions ... YOUR role. 4 months out isn't long ... but it's long enough to know that YOU engaged in actions that destroyed the well-being of another woman. HOW DO YOU THINK SHE FEELS? I don't know if she saw you, I sure hope not, because what a terrible way for her New Year to start.
I KNOW it sucks, it HURTS ... I hear you. I know those feelings. But you aren't going to let JAM weaken your resolve, are you? Seeing him with his W should serve as a reminder that LIFE GOES ON ... and that your life needs to go on with out him.
You're going to have an amazing year ILE, AMAZING. But you have to stay focused on YOU and your family, You've got NOTHING to feel hopeless about ... you got dreams for yourself, plans for the New Year. How does seeing xAP take any of that away from you?
It doesn't. Stay focused.
Take some deep breaths.
NONE of that matters anymore. HE does not matter anymore.
((HUGS))
TU. ``
ILE,
First of all - (((HUGS))) to you.
((ILE))
I hope you are feeling a bit better today. The timing on seeing Xmm with his W had to be very painful, but I am sure it was the same for them if they saw you. Even though I work with Xmm, the first time his W came into the office, I broke into a cold sweat and started shaking inside. All of the pain and guilt smacked me upside the head all over again. I know now it was residual guilt and unresolved personal issues I still hadn't come to terms with. We can psyche ourselves to the max with how we think we will cope with certain situations, but actually experiencing them never plays out as we had planned. I was able to pull Xmm aside and tell him I was going home and he should have told me his W was coming to the office. He apologized and said he thought she was going to come after the work day ended. That didn't change the fact that I was sick to my stomach and emotionally rattled for several days...but this was MY PROBLEM. His W has every right to come to her H's business any damn time she wants. She never knew about our A, but still I was a wreck. After all, this is the woman who I had stabbed in the back for 4.5 years. The ugliness of my actions shown through that day.
As the others have already said in their responses, asking those "why" questions will get you nowhere and serve no purpose in your healing. What was done, was done, and that is never going to change. What can change is your attitude and your perceptions of the situation. Learning to accept what happened and taking responsibility for your part in all of it, is the road to healing. There are going to be times when ice, cold buckets of reality are dumped over our heads as we travel down this ending road. There is no way to avoid them, but we can learn how to brace ourselves against their harshness. As they say, "The truth hurts" but remember that it can also set you free.
(((Hugs)))
ILE-
(((hugs))) first - because I know it was hard for you to see. The universe provides us exactly what we need, when we need it. The only question you asked that really matters is "why today"? (and actually the day doesn't even matter - just "why") You journaled about your resolutions and you felt hopeful. Think about how seeing xap and his W is supposed to help YOUR journey. As others have said already, this is about you. If seeing him made you go from hopeful to hopeless, you were hoping for the wrong things ILE. Refocus on what YOU hope for. :)
Bodhi
ILE,
I had a rendezvous planned with xAP before I ended it, too. When the planned weekend came up (about two weeks after I ended the A) I went on a girls getaway instead, to keep my mind off what I would have been doing that weekend. It didn't work as well as I hoped. I still thought about him nearly every minute and wondered if he was thinking of me, too. What a waste of brain cells. Once again, I wasn't fully present in my RL and having fun with GFs. Instead, I wasted time thinking of him and staying trapped in the fantasy.
Now I'm faced with memories of a year ago, when we had a crazy weekend in January. I wondered how I was going to feel about it, but I can tell you, I really don't give a rat's butthole. That was a whole year ago; I was a different person than I am now. It just doesn't matter. I've given myself a little bit of time to concentrate on that weekend (testing the waters?) and I can honestly say that I feel next to nothing about it. Neither sadness or desire to be with him again. It was what it was and I'm where I am now. Turning the focus on yourself will get you to that point. Be patient, because it just takes time. Keep up the great work that you are doing. You are going to be in a much better place, soon.
Hugs,
~alwayst2
ILE
(((BIG))) hugs
I have been there done that too and the mac truck is the perfect description.
Just after i joined eas i was "tested" first i ran into the ex AP;
First of all I want to say thank you for all of your thoughtful responses.
Hey is love enough-
I have been away for the weekend and am only catching up now on posts.
ubm
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