feeling utterly crushed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
feeling utterly crushed.
14
Sat, 01-01-2011 - 8:49pm
What I've dreaded just happened. I ran into xap and his wife and feel like a mac truck just hit me. I turned the other way after we saw each other and no words were spoken..I haven't seen him in four months today. She knows about the A and me and I have so dreaded this happening. So many thoughts racing though my mind..today was a planned out of town get-away for us before we ended it..why? Why did I have to see them...why did he start this whole thing??? Why did he pursue another mans wife??? Why did I not let my NO mean NO??? Why was I so weak?? Why after blocking and walking can't it all just go away?? After spending time this morning journaling about my NYs resolutions and feeling so incredibly hopeful and so happy about NOT being on a trip with him..why today?? I am crushed and broken. I know it doesn't help that I've had bronchitis for a week and just can't shake it..but all I can think is why..why did we do this? And feeling hopeless right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Sun, 01-09-2011 - 8:48pm

Hi Fellow EASers,

I just want to come back and update you as to where I've been over the last week since I ran into xap and his wife (who knows about me and the A).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 2:49am
Hey IsLove,
Thank you for coming back and checking in...I was wondering how you were handling your run in. I am so very happy to read that you have DELETED EVERYTHING!!! I am so proud of you and know that this is a huge step that will result in a significant increase in the level of freedom you are feelings! Way to GO and a big HIGH FIVE!!! I agree with Bodhi that everything happens for a reason, and if seeing him was what you needed to push yourself into this step then good for you for recognizing it!

It does not surprise me that your XAP had the reaction you described. Don't forget NC makes it so that we do not know how they are feeling/coping with the ending. he could be hurting pretty bad (because yes sometimes men generally do hurt over these types of losses too). I am sorry I dont remember who ended it, but if he did, especially without a dday, then I completely understand his fear. There are so many here that are so thankful they have gotten out (or are getting out) of their A without the pain of a Dday....so it could have just been a look of pure fear.

Anyway...again great job! Keep on keeping on girl...keep that attitude and affair free in 2011!

Sending much love and some positive vibes your way tonight
peace&light
Foggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 8:30am

OMGoodness, ILE!! My heart is just leaping out of my chest right now. YOU GET IT!!

Girl, you have just broken the last chain keeping you shackled to him. You see the A for what it was--selfish, hurtful, nasty, deceitful behavior. I just LOVE that you have decided to shop elsewhere, not for him or for you, but for his W. That is huge, ILE. That is a major breakthrough.

You know what is really amazing to watch on this board? To watch brand new newbies--of which you were 7 weeks ago--and witness their breakthroughs and growth. But the most amazing thing and the strongest testimonial--and what gives me the greatest faith in this healing process--is to see these newbies who were so raw just a short time ago promising the NEW newbies that it does get better. So much hope and humanity here at EAS. It makes my heart smile.

I am so proud of you ILE. So very, very proud of you sticking to this process, enduring the dreadfully painful days, reaching out for help here, working on yourself, finding your answers, getting to a much better place. There's much work ahead, no doubt, but you are well on your way.

Enormously prideful hug to you,

~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 10:37pm
Thanks Foggy and Always! To answer your questions, Foggy, we mutually ended the A w/LC and after 7 weeks of that I insisted on NC. He had a DDay about 7 months ago and his W knows it was me. I understand why he looked so shocked obviously, and I know he is hurting too. I know I'm just using bad thoughts of him to cope with my struggles, I guess its easier to try and see him in a bad light. Truth be told we were just two broken people and he was never anthing but good to me, even in DDay I didn't get thrown under the bus. I was a big girl and made my own HORRIBLE choices and know I have hurt him in the process...Its so hard to balance feelings of the farse that was the relationship with the feelings that were real...thanks for the male perspective. I really don't like male bashing and am so glad you are here as it helps me see how xap might be feeling. What a process this is..thanks for the input and for keeping it real.

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