Feeling very overwhelmed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Feeling very overwhelmed.
2
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:20am
Hi everyone. I have posted here a couple times but haven't been on here in a while. I am a MW in an EMA w/ a MM. My H has known about it for the last year and a half, but it was always one of those don't ask and I won't tell situations. MM's W had previously found out about the A but thought it was over. Well it wasn't and Monday night she found out about it again and has demanded it stop or she is leaving. Anyways, you would think he would have avoided me but MM is pursuing the relationship even more. Can't figure that one out. Which as you all know makes it harder to walk away. Anyways me and my H went to see a M counselor tonight for the first time. He has insisted there be NC with MM and said we must take drastic measures to get him out of our lives. I just am having a hard time with the idea of never seeing or speaking to MM again. For the last 2 years he has been an everyday part of my life. Has anyone here everdone the counseling thing? And does it help? My life seems to be falling apart and so does MM's life because of the A. I guess it is starting to sink in just how selfish I have been and how many peoples lives have been affected by this. I never dreamed I could hurt so many people. I don't know exactly what I hope to find here, I guess just some advice and support. Thanks for listening and hope this makes some sort of sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 10:14am
Yes counseling does help. I would suggest individual counseling for you in addition to marriage counseling.

It sounds like you're at a point where you have to choose b/w your H and MM. Only you can say what's best for you, but I would say that the A has to end. Right now its not fair to anyone involved.

I had a hard time with the idea of never seeing my exMM again, but believe me when I say it does get easier. Its a habit...and habits CAN be broken. Its difficult and painful, but not impossible. NC is the only way to accomplish that though.

I wish you luck in your decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:31am
Hi honey, and yes, I do identify with what you're feeling. At the very end of my A, XMM's wife was heartbroken and planning to take their 4 year old DD away. My DH was casually involved with another married woman (I personally think it was just for sex because otherwise he wouldn't have been having any), whose H was was aware and not happy. She had 3 kids. He was threatening to end their M. My DH was just waiting for me to say the word that my A was over so he could dump her and we could jump back into our marriage. We have 2 kids. UGH! By the end I felt like the most self-centered, horrible person alive. Our little "fun" was harming people left and right. The repurcussions of our actions were rippling out in many directions, and everyone seemed to be waiting for me to make a darned decision! Was I ending my M and going forward with XMM, or was I going to recommit to my M.

Since I'm a member of this community, you can guess which option I chose. I couldn't live with the guilt anymore. At first, the A was a wonderful escape and my M was on the ropes anyway so I didn't think there was much harm in fooling around with someone else. XMM told me that his M was also on the ropes and since I was totally new to infidelity, I believed him. After I was totally in a relationship with XMM - seeing him everyday, talking on the phone several times a day, going out together in public - I started to notice that his M wasn't as "over" as he told me it was. His W spent many nights crying about the situation and called while he was out with me.

My A lasted 2 years. My H and I have not done M counseling, BUT we've both done lots of individual counseling. Our M ended because of some issues that really had to do with both of us personally. As we went thru individual therapy and got healthier and saner, we just accidentally started getting along better. We started wanting to spend time together, going out for coffee, etc. We just naturally drifted back together. When I realized I was still capable of having such feelings for H, I knew I had to let XMM go.

Well, that's alot more information about me than you probably needed to hear, but I just wanted to let you know that I can relate. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10