feeling weak

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
feeling weak
8
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 12:53pm
i have to keep fighting myself to avoid emailing OW today. i think i'm missing her and feeling scared because she was a source of support for me and i'm going to be telling my partner that i have maintained contact with OW over the last year when i told her i had not....so feeling vulnerable. argh. and frustrated with myself.

does anyone have any experience/advice on telling their partner about maintaining contact with OP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: cecemae
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:18pm
Hi CECEMAE,

I don't have exactly the experience you ask about. I have been out of contact with my OM for 3 weeks. My husband thinks it has been nearly a year. I am determined to continue NC with OM, but I often (every day) have the urge to email, call, etc. OM. I have often wondered about telling my husband that OM and I have seen/been with eachother as recent a few months ago, but I decided that would serve no purpose and open old wounds. And I don't need that right now b/c it is taking all my energy to put closure to my relationship with OM and even more energy to avoid emailing/calling him each and every day.

That's my perspective, but your situation may, of course, be slightly different. Think it over carefully. Best of luck,

TaniaML

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cecemae
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:28pm
I have a few questions for you. Does your OW know you told your partner that you wouldn't maintain any contact with her for the last year? Because if she did, perhaps part of her support would be to leave you alone. And to be totally honest speaking as an OW myself, I would prefer the truth over anything. But I know in order for you to be completely honest with not only yourself and these ladies, you are going to have to be willing to admit to lieing. It is when you make up your mind that you are not going to keep living lies that you will heal. Learn to stand on your own two feet and do whatever it takes to make this relationship with your partner work or else be with the OW. But you can't live a healthy life and continue like you are.

JMHO

GT


Edited 4/21/2003 1:29:09 PM ET by guardedticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: cecemae
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:45pm
isn't that the truth! thanks for your thoughts. and, yes, the OW knows i told my partner i could not have contact with OW (and, that i have been struggling with no contact with her this whole time...). guess that has been part of the drama cycle between us..i say i want no contact, she contacts me and i return the email...can't seem to set the boundaries and keep them. defintely my fault all along for not being firm and doing what i know i needed to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: cecemae
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 1:57pm
gosh, i struggle with that same issue...is it worth opening old and creating new wounds by telling my partner that i have had contact with OW? i just carry around such a weight from the guilt and anxiety that sometimes it feels like it would be easier to die than to tell my partner about the contact...which is why at this point i feel like if i'm struggling this much with the lies it may be time to expose the truth, whatever the consequences. on the other hand, with the wedding/commitement ceremony in 3 months..i worry i will mess this up so bad by telling (is that even possible at this point?!) that it won't happen and i will have lost my true life partner.

i'm sure our circumstances are different, but do you think it will ever be worth it for you to tell your H about the contact?

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cecemae
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 2:50pm
May I make a suggestion to you? First of all, don't say it is all your fault. If you have told the OW that you need no contact and she has continued to contact you, what does that say about her respect for you or herself? That's the first point I wanted to make. Secondly, if there is a strong emotional bond between you and the OW, then you do need a good quality amount of time apart so you and she can really move on....but especially her because as things stand right now, this is very unfair to her. I would spell it out to her that your decision is made as to what you intend to do with your life. And because you have chosen to stay with your partner, then you need to have no contact and stick to it so that both of you can get beyond the emotional connection you have between you. I think I would also say it isn't that you NEVER want to speak to her again, but for now you cannot continue any kind of continued communication because it is negatively affecting your ability to make your primary relationship work. And if she really cares about you, she will respect that. Believe me, I know how difficult letting go really is and it could be that some day the two of you can truly be friends and only friends, just not right now.

Good luck to you.

GT

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cecemae
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 3:13pm
Wow, you really opened up a can of worms with this post. You need to take a good look within yourself. If you are talking about making a commitment to your partner, yet you have an OW in the mix, you need to think about your decision to make this person your life partner. You also need to think about what in you is going to change because you get married?! If you have been reading this board, then you must know that married people cheat. Why did you get with this OW to begin with if you care so much about your partner who you are about to marry in three months? Are you TRULY prepared to cling to only her? And what happens when you begin to have children? Is it EVER going to be acceptable for them to lie? You see, we all come here and end up learning that WE ARE THE ONES who need to change. You only have control over what you do. I would tell this OW one last time you cannot continue to communicate with her because you are going to be married and see if you can only be with your partner. If you are in any way being romantic with anyone else, then I would have to question your maturity and ability to make a true life commitment with the lady you say you want that with.

JMHO

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
In reply to: cecemae
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 4:29pm
yes, i certainly have dug a hole. perhaps some background would help? my partner and i have been together since undergrad...6 years...and about 3 years ago she had an affair for a few months with her boss. we went to individual and couples therapy for a year afterwards...then, moved to another state where i knew no one and worked in a very solitary job. i was desperately lonely and still coping with the anger and low/lack of self-esteem from her affair (and in general) when i met the OW in a class. we only ever kissed, but the emotional passion and attachment was very intoxicating. i told my partner soon after the first kiss what had happened. and, we again began therapy...so this whole time we have been in therapy, which just adds to the depth of my betrayl, i think...but i continued the emotional aspect of the affair. after the class ended, i asked OW to have no contact for 3 months so i could figure things out. meanwhile, my partner was pushing the idea of getting engaged to each other as a means of demonstrating a serious lifetime commitment. OW pretty much granted me this time in the summer without contact, but as soon as this time period was over she contacted me. i told her how things stood, that my partner and i were doing better and i still wanted no contact, despite missing her and thinking about her all the time (there was a major mistake on my part). about a month later we ran into each other...the same weekend my partner and i got engaged....and a few days later i heard from her. we began the months long email "war" where i expressed my doubts about getting engaged and married to partner to OW (another mistake) and she tried to convince me that my relationship to my partner was not worth the work and time and she and i could be so much better together. just hearing that, even without believing her, and staying in contact with her i can see now shows my extreme lack of good judgement in this situation as it perpetuated my fears that i was not ready. i have talked repeatedly with my partner about not feeling ready to be married but have hoped over the months (without bringing up contact with OW...another mistake) that if i just got through this time i would feel ready and able to make that commitment. unfortunately, it has taken until now to realize how ridiculous my reasoning was and how much worse i have made this situation. and, now that i see that and want to change and really do feel like i have little/no romantic attachment to OW, i am struggling with how to best proceed...how to stay away from OW, how to tell partner the truth, how to deal with my guilt and fears.

so, to answer your questions...i do not think that marriage will change anything about me or my partner or our relationship. i know married people cheat. i have witnessed this within my own family and many other families as well. marriage in and of itself does not heal the wounds that cause affairs. and i do not expect it to heal me. however, i do want to be with my partner...i see us together in 5, 10, 50 years...buying a house, having kids, etc. it has just been a struggle over the last year to get to this point where i see the value in those things with my partner as i was so mired with doubts from contact with OW and my own deluded thoughts.

i don't know, does this make sense? have i been lying to myself this whole time? do i sound like i'm full of crap or can someone see something i haven't seen before in what i'm saying?
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cecemae
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 5:34pm
From the sound of your post, the ONLY suggestion I can make to you at this point is to seek INDIVIDUAL counseling. I would push the wedding date back because it is a lifelong commitment and let me tell you, if you do it too soon because your partner seems to think it is time, then you will put yourself in a situation of wanting to cheat again because everything that goes along with marriage is work, period. There are a lot of stresses involved in getting married, having a family and buying a house, etc. So you had better be sure BEFORE you make this commitment. I would see a counselor on my own to let them help you sort through all this. I will just say if you cannot bring yourself to telling the OW goodbye for good, then you had better not bring yourself to marrying this partner of yours in three months. Your future children deserve a dad that is going to be "all together" when they come into the world.

Hugs to you and good luck.

GT