Feeling like the weakest person here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Feeling like the weakest person here!
11
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:57pm
I feel like I am the weakest person here. I see everyone trying to get past each day with NC. I know the struggle as well. The problem I have is I don't want it to be over but I have no choice. MM does. And the worst is he is ending it for all the reasons i should be.. both in over our heads, both want to have good marriages etc. I can't be mad at him. I don't hate him. But all it would take is the word and I'd be back into it full swing. I know that won't happen though. Is this a phase? Did ANYONE ever feel that way?? Was anyone on the receiving end and just hating giving him up. Trust me there are a lot of things I want to give up but the idea of never talking to him again is so sad to me.

Posie, don't hate me!!

I am sorry if I am bringing anyone down.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 3:00pm
Bria,

I am there with you, see my latest post. If you want to email me, please do, maybe we can help eachother.

HUGS,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 3:26pm
Hi briatan & nygemini

I understand where both of you are. My relationship was like yours we both loved each other very much but both decided that it must end for both of our sanity. He said to me in the end, IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING JUST CALL ME! Boy does that not help me with the NC but I will not let my self contact him. I don't want to jump back into that its not healthy for any of us. I was here on the board this morning after having a weak moment then I went to have lunch and read a little outside because the weather is beautiful. That helped me get over that weak moment! LOL that's why Im back here right now on the board. Be strong ladies if you need to vent I'm here. SOUL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:01pm
I spent lots of time (months) wondering about how my xMM felt when we ended things. Maybe it is wrong to think this way but it helped me a lot to overcome my pain:

Your xMM TRULY cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you anymore, that is why he gave up on his own desires and stopped seeing you. When you both keep on the A, you are also keeping the pain and hurt (on both sides). Does that make sense?

Try to picture yourself in the next few years. Would you still want to live in that frustration/guilt? Would the romance still last?

Hugs,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 5:15pm
Hi Briatan,

This isn't about weakest or strongest because on some level everyone here is struggling. It sounds like you are very in tune with your struggles and are very honest with yoursef and that is nothing to feel bad about. Of course you want him back. Anyone on this board who hasn't gone through that, raise your hand. We have all gone through that. My XMM and I broke up several times before the end. I knew at about the sixth month that this was tearing me apart but I did not have the courage you have to be honest with myself and so I dismissed my feelings and nearly ruined myself by staying in it for two years. Self honesty is the first step in recovery. This is a very real addiction and you are being forced (by him holding the boundaries) to start recovery. It is going to hurt and it is going to make you sad. But I know that I know that there is such greater sadness when these relationships continue and you have to leave because you have nothing left inside of you and the relationship has taken your entire sense of self away. Please don't consider yourself weak, consider yourself in survival mode and the very fact that you are this honest with yourself and willing to write it here speaks volumes about your courage and strength. I often think about something Posie wrote about choosing to leave when the pain of being in it is greater than the pain of getting out of it ( I know I just butchered her eloquent words). I realize that it was forced upon you but trust one thing, listen to the women (like me) who prolonged it until their lives were unrecognizable and at least entertain the notion that someone is looking down on you and saving you the agony of that experience. Keep writing here. There is no such thing as weakness, but the strength you exhibit by being as honest as you are shines through!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:47pm
Cherry and Anxietyfree-

Thank you for your comforting support.

Cherry- You are right that this couldn't go on forever. I know MM does care. He is doing the right thing and MAYBE I will even thank him one day??

Anxietyfree- Thank you for what you said. Maybe there is a bit of healing going on tha tI can't even see. This has just been a lot tougher than I ever thought!

thank you both so much

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:36pm
Hiya Bria,

<<>>

I don't hate anyone, Bri, and least of all you. Honestly, I don't have hate in me. It's just far too destructive and soul destroying for me to waste time with.

I also have zero need to control anyone but myself and that's a luxury I didn't have while I was in my A. I constantly wanted exOM to be doing x or y or z, and dying just that little bit more inside when he didn't do what I wished. It's enormously empowering and there's a very real sense of freedom to be shot of that desperate need to control anyone but my own self.

I ended my A because my daughter deserved more from me than she was getting. The cost to people I loved and people who loved exOM was just too high for me to continue justifying grabbing MY feel-good at their expense. No one, and I mean no one, rates being defecated upon just so that *I* get my warm fuzzies.

Me-me-me! What *I* want! What *I* need! I'll tell you right now that "Me" & "I" ain't worth cackapookie if I have to crap on someone else to get what *I* want or what *I* need.

I'm not your conscience, Bria. When you want to end it, you will. And not a moment before.

When you can no longer turn your face away from the fact that you are stomping left right & centre on people's love & trust, and can no longer kid yourself that an EMA is a good thing for anyone invoved, you'll end it. When it becomes obvious that DD senses your emotional distance as you put what you want before what she needs, then you'll end it.

You'll end it when you want to, Bria. Or you won't. It's really THAT simple.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:27am
Hi Bri,

I didn't want it to end either. I still sometimes wish things could go back to normal. It has been 18 days and I still feel weak and upset, sick to my stomach at times. I have even caved in once. Felt like crap yesterday all day. Bottom line is AFFAIRS dont last forever. In my situation we almost got caught, we got scared and we decided to say 3.5 years is enough. Nothing bad happened between him and I. AND THATS WHY LETTING GO WAS AND HAS BEEN SO HARD. WE WERE SIMPLY CARELESS. I miss talking t him because he was a good friend , we also had alot of respect for our personal space and never invaded it.

I know how u feel, not wanting to end it is the worse feeling on earth specially when u realize there is no choice in the matter. There will be good days and bad I am having a couple of rough ones lately. This board has helped me plenty. Stay strong U are not alone in the way u feel.

Here for You if needed.

Hugs

Lady Bug....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:09pm
No affair last forever.. you are right! I feel exactly like, you do why can't things be liek they were?? It isn't like the feeligns changed. MM actually called last night and it was good to hear his feelings hadn't chnaged but frustrating as well. I have to just stay away or the addiction to what we had will never end. Itill just keep torturing me!

Thanks for your supposrt

Hope you are having better day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 3:58pm
Hello Bri,

Your Welcome.... My day today has been ok and emotional at times, but definately better than the last 2 days. Stay strong. We can do this. It is for our own sanity...

Take Care, Hope u r doing well.

Lady Bug...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 11:54pm
The passages below are called "Words of Hope" - I honestly can't remember where I found it but I copied and saved it.

I ended my affair when I was ready - one of the posts hit it right, it'll end when you're ready to move on.

I was left for a time by my current BF - my first post-A relationship -- a newly divorced (we met after) Dad who thought he wasn't really ready for a relationship. I was very hurt but trusted that he was being honest with me.

We did get back together after a few months but for a time I thought it was over (and I practiced NC respectfully to give him space and to move on with my life), I learned alot about accepting life's flow and letting life happen, instead of trying to make things happen the way I want. I knew if I loved this man, I had to respect his choice.

Anyway, these words helped me - maybe they'll help you.

"Words of Hope

To be left by someone we love is to experience a break in the heart's flow. To be left is to endure unanswered questions, to feel fear, anger, rejection, grief. It is life in the passive tense: we did not leave — we were left.

Spiritual separation, when the bond of two spirits has been severed by someone else's choice, hurts badly. Where is the hope? How do we go on? At its most painful, being left even brings the question, "Do I want to go on?" Once we answer yes to this, we can start to heal. We can choose to accept what is. We can find our way with the help of God's grace and the support of people who love us and want us in their lives.

To yield to someone's wish to end a relationship is an act of respect. To want the best for someone, even when it means enduring our own loss, is an act of love.

Honestly grieving the loss of someone is a sign that I am already beginning to heal."

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