Feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Feelings
7
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 6:56pm

So today my family and I attended a public event. On the way to park we drove past xAP and his family as they were walking in. Luckily it was a big event so chances of me running into them were slim but I had an instant sense of panic. I was literally shaking and couldn't breathe, wondering what I would say to him if we came face to face and who I would tell my H he is. I did all I could not o text him and say enjoy he show. But this all got me to thinking when I got home. Is it wrong to send a goodby email without expecting a response? Just to smooth things do he doesn't think I was such an evil irrational person? To say my goodbye and put it to rest? Is there harm in that?

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 8:13pm

Yes!  There IS HARM IN DOING THAT!  Do not break NC.

Okay, that being said...and it will be said again at the end of this post.  I am sooooooooooo glad to hear from you.  Last time you posted in, it was from 'the ledge'; and I hadn't heard further from you, I thought you had jumped.  Good girl for not taking that plunge.

It seems that there will be times that you will be running into him, so you are going to have to muster all your strength to get through it without upset and confrontation.  Grace and dignity is what you are shooting for.  

We cannot control what people will think about us.  We don't always behave well in certain situations; and unfortunately, are going to leave a bad taste in some mouths.  That's life. There is nothing we can do about that...they are going to think what they are going think.  All we can do is use it as a learning experience and be a better person than that every day. And, he didn't behave well either, so he's not the to-go guy to determine your worth or define who you are...YOU ARE.  And most people understand evil, irrational behavior in relationships...especially in relationships that are just crazing-making in the first place.

No contact no contact no contact.  You know what will happen.  You'll spend all your time wondering, "did he read it?...will he respond...let me check my phone...let me check my phone...let me check my phone."

DO NOT CONTACT HIM.  NO CONTACT = NO NEW HURT  You've been hurt enough...don't go setting yourself up for more.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 8:20pm
Hi Timeforchange, I dropped in a few days ago and am a vet here, so I apologize that I am not too familiar with your story. I'm sure many others will leave you their thoughts on the questions you asked: <> Here are my thoughts, take them or leave them. Is it wrong? Well, ask yourself if you are prepared for a response. You can send it, not expecting one, but take a look back at how your body reacted physically by just the sight of him. How are you doing emotionally? Also, ask yourself this: is it YOUR responsibility to smooth things out? And can you control how he feels about the kind of person you are today? I understand saying goodbye and putting it to rest. I did actually do that with my xap #1. But he had already told H everything, so I did not feel any strong inclination to return to the A for one minute. Though I craved him and went through withdrawals like nobody's business. If you truly want out of this, I think that distance is the best thing you could do for your healing. Especially if your H doesn't know. My H knows, and trust me, it is pretty rough. But it is also extremely freeing, all at the same time. (((((HUGS))))) to you, and I truly hope you consider what I and many others will offer you. It is your journey. And I love your moniker, btw. :) Heartsofsix
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 8:20pm
Hi Timeforchange, I dropped in a few days ago and am a vet here, so I apologize that I am not too familiar with your story. I'm sure many others will leave you their thoughts on the questions you asked: <> Here are my thoughts, take them or leave them. Is it wrong? Well, ask yourself if you are prepared for a response. You can send it, not expecting one, but take a look back at how your body reacted physically by just the sight of him. How are you doing emotionally? Also, ask yourself this: is it YOUR responsibility to smooth things out? And can you control how he feels about the kind of person you are today? I understand saying goodbye and putting it to rest. I did actually do that with my xap #1. But he had already told H everything, so I did not feel any strong inclination to return to the A for one minute. Though I craved him and went through withdrawals like nobody's business. If you truly want out of this, I think that distance is the best thing you could do for your healing. Especially if your H doesn't know. My H knows, and trust me, it is pretty rough. But it is also extremely freeing, all at the same time. (((((HUGS))))) to you, and I truly hope you consider what I and many others will offer you. It is your journey. And I love your moniker, btw. :) Heartsofsix
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
In reply to: heartsofsix
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 8:22pm
Oh, jeez...sorry for the double post. My iPhone has been acting up lately! :/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2012
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 8:56pm

OkJust what I always need from you amazing ladies. Thank you for being straight forward and honest. I value your experience although I'm sorry you had to go through heartache. So yes I do get what you're saying.  Hard part is when you ask me if I truly want it to be over and I can't answer that. As up and down as it was and as disrespectful as I felt he could be, I don't think I ever would have been the one to end it. I thought it was obviously more than it was.  Do I love my H? It's hard to answer that as well. We've had some real rough times, done counseling but I do believe alot of my agitation towards him was from being so deep in the fog. I felt alive again and it felt wonderful. I have saved old conversations with xAP which you'd probably tell me to file away but it is eye opening. I read through 2 of out texting wars last night and again, I'd question or stand up for myself and he would just 'that's it, I'm done'. In turn I'd send a lengthy, poetic and skillfully crafted rebuttal declaring my love, apologizing, reminding him of our history and all I've done for him . I'd then be 'forgiven'. It was a sad dance.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 9:02pm

Well, you can do two things.  You can break NC and BEG for his forgiveness...like he's some kinda god...and then walk on eggshells...well, until the strong assertive women within wants a voice...OR, you can stay NC and allow that woman a voice with people who love her and WANT TO HEAR IT.  I'm not yelling...just emphasizing :)

I thought it was time for a change?

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: xxxs
Mon, 01-20-2014 - 8:59pm

  Destroy those texts.  Go back and delete any emails.  Wipe it as if it never happened. 

chaika