Feelings twinges in my heart & confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Feelings twinges in my heart & confused
6
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 10:23am
I think someone on this board has mentioned that an A is like a monster, and that we keep feeding, or have to keep feeding it? I've read so many posts, and I forgot, but I think you are so right!

I couldn't sleep lately, and today, I got MM's email that tells me to delete all of our emails. It makes sense since we don't want to get caught, but I feel a sudden pang of loss that something I'm living and enjoying, is actually something I have to keep hidden. I don't know if anyone understands, but imagine deleting all the emails or text messages between you and your OM/MM, the only proofs of your relationship and the thoughts and emotions that you share. To me, that strucks pain!

I try to concentrate on ME as many has suggested. I start to exercise, spend time with friends, taking up classes for my hobbies, yet, I still want MM in my life. I don't know why I can't let go of him, since I keep thinking about him, even more so when I tried NC! But having a little him in my life keep making me think about the secrecy that I have to maintain. There's also many times when I want to see him, but he's at home with his family. I feel guilty, and I feel shame... Still, I keep remembering him gazing after me when we part, and our fun conversations.

I know I'm living in fantasy, and his email today was a reminder of that. I am so confused how a relationship that I find comfort and laughter in, is secretive by nature, and that it is something I shouldn't be in the first place! What else can I do for myself that will help me to find someone that is true and real, not married, and still have the same comfort and laughter??

I don't know if anyone have these thoughts, but while many people think I'm the "have it together" type, I'm so confused how I am in this relationship, and it's so strong that I don't know how to wire my brain and heart that I should get out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 9:02pm
My m-man told me to delete and santize everything. I did it all right, right after I copied the e-mails to a word document, password protected them and filed them onto a computer disk. I have three years of messages, from hot & heavy to cold and aloof back to hot and heavy, etc., etc. I am not erasing anything, it's my journal of my craziness and the fact that I did not imagine any of the good, the bad, or the ugly.
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anonymous user
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 9:24pm
lisa,

What do you plan on doing with the information you are saving? Why is it important to hold on to those emails?

I know for myself that once my XMM called and told me the affair was over; since I had the password to his email account, I went in there and forwarded all the emails I had sent him to a new email address I created instead of deleting them. I also forwarded any emails he sent me to the new account. I thought many of times to print the darn things out and sent to his W as to the proof of this man's love for me. But I didn't. And I won't. I can't be that cruel to someone else, I just can't.

She was never my problem; it was MM that was my issue. And because he hurt me, does not give me the right to hurt anyone else.

The good, the bad and the ugly are valid without any proof. We don't need any proof when we know what is the truth and what is not the truth.


Does it really matter that someone else know? Would that make a difference?

I hold on to those emails because I want to keep them as proof to validate myself even though what I was doing was wrong...being in an affair with a MM because it was love after all.

If anything good comes from keeping the emails, I hope it is validation that the relationship we had needs alot of work if we are ever to be together as a couple.


Take care,

Lillsilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:08am
Lillsilly,

Great idea!

Although why do you have to have a new account, and not forward the emails to the same account you received his emails? Does he has the password, which you can change.

As for your question, "Does it really matter that someone else know? Would that make a difference?" I know that MM is afraid of getting caught, so I do as he says. It doesn't make a difference whether I delete them or not, what happened is what happened. Still, I do want to keep our emails, like you said, to validate myself. Also, I now also think that even though it's wrong what I did, if I'm not erasing them as some bad mark in my life, then I'm forgiving myself of my fault? (Maybe someone will argue that I'm not letting go of my fault by keeping them? Sorry, I'm confusing myself).

Anyhow, when did your relationship with xMM ended? Are you in NC? Or do you still have contact?

I still see him at work, which makes it hard to let go since I can't force myself not to see him. But, I know it'll have to end, one of these days.

Do you have hopes that you could be together? It seems that there's a glimpse of hope there! Good luck to you!


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 12:12am
Lisa,

It is smart move, but I must warn you, as I'm a little techie. I used to download and installed in my computer that track key strokes, and therefore, I know what anyone type on my computer, including passwords! I know there are also password detectors out there, so if it's not your personal computer only, watch out!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 1:39am
smiley, what your MM has done is wrong, he's being unfair to you and to his wife. You care for him, and sometimes we have to let go of the people we love simply BECAUSE we love them. So the best thing you should do is walk away from him until he figures out what to do with his life. He cannot have everything. You have to be the strong one, because he isn't going to be it.

I'm writing this from the married person's point of view. I am married and started an affair with a single guy. I still love my xOM, he is everything to me, but I am trying to keep away from him because I don't want to embroil him in a further mess than I have already done. I'm not saying that's what your MM is feeling too, cos we're all different, but it's a possibility. If he is anything like me, and isn't a serial cheater, he is probably very confused too, which is why he's behaving like that. During my affair I was so confused that I think I hurt my xOM unintentionally and he had to walk away.

If you believe that you and him shared that connection, then you did. Just because it was affair doesn't make the connection any less special. But take it as something special that happened IN THE PAST, put it away, lock it up because it's something that isn't going to happen again unless both of you are single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Thu, 01-15-2004 - 10:56am
wasnotthinking,

Thanks for your thoughts. You did put things in perspective. MM is not a serial cheater. It just happens that I told him how I felt, he was flattered, then we started from there. From the beginning, he worries that he'll hurt me, or that I will think that he used me. I feel like I'm the one that created this mess, and I have to be that one that walk away, since he can only agree to my decision. Still, he doesn't tell me how he feels about me, so it could be one-sided. How about you, did you tell your OM how you feel about him, or that you have feelings for him?

I feel like I walk into someone's life, uninvited, and although MM was glad that I did, he's not going to hold me back and ask me to stay. He can't, since there's already someone that he wants to stay with, and that's his W. He also agree it's not fair. At least I know that he doesn't intentionally hurt me, and is probably confused how he himself could do something that can be hurtful to others. Do you think that way?

He's special to me, but I have to walk away. I'll try to be strong :)

Thank you!