Feels like I will never live through this...

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Feels like I will never live through this...
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 7:00pm

I am 30 yrs old, have been married ten years and have an 8 yr old daughter. 

I have been having an affair with a married man I am absolutely head over heals in love with for a year. It is long distance though we see each other every other month and talk over phone, email, IM 100 times a day at least.

It has been getting harder and harder not to be together and to find time to sneak away to email or make phone calls. It's a very stressful life as I am sure you all are aware. I would have done it forever to keep him in my life though. I love him that much. 

I could sense it was getting too hard for him though and tonight I just basically asked and asked him - basically pushed him for the truth until he finally surrendered. 

He admitted he loves me with all his heart but that he has to get his life back in line, focus back on his kids, get his life back in order. 

I have never felt SO hurt or wounded in all of my life. I haven't gone 30 min without sobbing in 24 hours which is alarming to my husband and child to say the least!! I feel like my life is over, as dumb as that sounds. Like I can't live without him. 

I immediately begged him not to go where he replied that I just pushed and pushed until I'd basically convinced him and that we could talk about making it work tomorrow.

Now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, I don't wanna lose him!! But I know if he stays it will only be to keep from hurting me and that eventually he will leave again. Him staying would be only avoiding the inevitable. But part of me doesn't care, as long as I get more time with him, I don't care why he stays or when he leaves me again.

I am beyond heartbroken, god - I am shattered. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2012
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 7:31pm
Dear chelle

My heart goes out to you...I am so sorry you are going through this. You are in the right place. You can get through this even though it feels otherwise. Take it one minute at a time if you have to. I, myself, am only a couple of months out of an A...I go through heartwrenching times too, but I can honestly say it DOES get better with time. While you are waiting for other posts, please read all you can on this board, especially in the Healing LIbrary; it helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 7:35pm

Please, do yourself and him a favor and stop now!! I wish I had listened a year ago when everyone said No Contact = No new hurts. I have cried more in the past year than I have in my entire life... and I've got at least 20 years on you.

It is hard, very hard, but it only gets worse the longer you drag it out. Show him your love by respecting his space. You CAN do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 10:09pm

This man is trying to do the right thing.  

We here on the "ENDING AN AFFAIR BOARD" kinda really hope that he will stand his ground and do you both a favor so you both can get plugged back into your real lives where you are already committed.  

We'll be here to support you when you want to put an end to your destructive behavior and end your affair.



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 8:38am
No judgement, just honest straight talk. There's no room for sugar coating here.

Many of us, myself included, were told it was over over a brief phone call, after many more years involved in the A. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Let it go, let him go. Today, now. Don't have that conversation just to drag out the inevitable.

If you want to 'keep' him, then tell your family you are leaving, ap does the same, and you be together. Otherwise, begin taking back an honest life. Now.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Mon, 08-13-2012 - 10:27pm
Ouch Chelle - sorry you are in the rapids of the river! Stop now, each contact is like sticking yourself with another needle of the "A-drug". you do need to care, about yourself - and only time and distance and no contact will help you sort out what is real and what is just knee-jerk reaction. Lots of friends and support here, come back. Let him drift away and see what remains. Sometimes going through the big hurt is the easiest way out.

Hugs a plenty - Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 6:11pm
Chelle -welcome

Please stay and post and learn from those women who have gone before. No judgement here - initial welcomes come in all forms and as you'll see if you stay and read. Your xAP is like mine who ended things twice. Honey that will not change and even if he changes his mind he WILL do the same again. He is trying to do the right thing and ultimately it's the right thing for you too. Take this opportunity to block all contact with him and walk away. Otherwise you will face this heartbreak again. We know it's hard to wrap your head around this now whilst you still think you need and want him. Space and perspective will help you see that you don't. Focus on you now and your family and try and understand why you made the choices you did. It's hard and painful work and seeing a therapist will help you through this. Do this now and you won't be back here again in a few more months hurting even more. His guilt won't disappear and he will blow hot and cold for as long as you let him dragging you through all the pain that will entail.

Much love

Yellow x

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~