Fell again.......
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| Sun, 12-13-2009 - 8:51am |
Why after doing so well for so long w/o having xMM loom around in my life did I feel the need to contact him?
I sent him an email to wish him a happy holiday and said I would like to try the "friends thing" again...
I am not even sure why I said that to him b/c I really don't want to go back to waiting around for this one sided friendship to work.
He is in my RL b/c of the dynamics of my friends, so I can still see him and "catch up" with him then.
I was feeling so desperate the other day, like an addict needing a fix and as soon as I sent off the email and saw that he read it I felt relief. I knew at that moment that was what I needed. I just don't understand that.
My head knows we are no good having a private friendship, meaning talking behind our spouses back but my heart hates the idea of not having him in my life that way.
I know that he is trying so hard to get on with his own busy life. I know how difficult this still is for him too. I don't want to hurt him or his family. I don't want to hurt myself or my family either. So why if my head knows so much, why can't my heart follow? Why does it bother me so much to see him moving on and no longer needing me in his life? How can he be strong and I be so weak when I really do want do be done with pining away for him.
We have been officially over for a year now but have maintained L/C over the past 6 months, after 5 months of N/C. There is no reason for me to hold on to him. I just want to understand myself....

So-Sad,
You mentioned in your post about this being an addiction, and it is.
Thanks for your reply....great advice, nothing I don't already know. I've been in this mess for 3 1/2 years. I was doing so well lately. I was the one who finally put an end to this mess about 2 weeks ago. I know what I have to do, I really do.
I have been to therapy, MC, read a lot of books, read here just about everyday for the past 2 1/2 years, avoid my xMM when I can, focus on my H, kids and "real" friends, have very healthy outlets, stopped acting like a teenager, can finally look at pics
I fell yesterday as well, so sad.
Good for you both for coming here because it shows you want to hold
Great advice as always. I agree!
I would like to add for Kmg...why is he still on your IM list? It is time to remove him. If you know it tempted you and you got sucked in,
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Well, I guess I fell, too. I understand how you feel, SoSad.
I e-mailed xAP Friday, for a different reason, but it was still breaking NC.
I've had a VERY HARD time since running into him a couple of weeks ago. It was idle chit-chat, but I hadn't seen him for almost 2 months at that time -- we'd been communicating by e-mail.
Anyway, b/c we live in the same city and have some mutual interests that will cause us to cross paths, one particular event coming up, I e-mailed to see if he was going. Explained to him that seeing him sent me reeling on a day when I was doing really well in moving on.
I am getting back onto the horse....slowly. I am just so pissed at myself for being so weak. Nothing good came from that contact...nothing. I realize that nothing good can ever come from any contact with him for the rest of my life. I will have to be so careful when he is around me not to engage him at all. I will have to become a real good actress. There were times over the past few years that I had to be real nice and friendly and I wanted to be that way b/c deep down I wanted him to see what and who he was missing. That was my passive aggressive way of trying to suck him back in. It worked from time to time only for me to end up so incredibly hurt all over again.
I hope my head trumps my heart and I let him go forever....I am tired.
Hi all -
I just wanted to reiterate coming to this site and posting if you are feeling the triggers of wanting to make contact. That is what I did last week and it was a huge help! Even just writing everything out was very helpful to me. It is still hard and I still don't know why I hold on to the fantasy sometimes. It makes me very upset with myself, but I celebrate the fact that I didn't contact him! That was huge!
I also have been thinking about the fact that if I contact him it is hurting him too. I don't want to lead him on. His friend actually accused me of that and I didn't believe it at the time. But, after thinking about it for a while I think he was right. I know I cannot be part of an affair anymore, but the fantasy is hard to let go. I think to myself maybe if things don't work out with my husband then ...that is what I need to let go. I know I was doing it. I was thinking that I need to check in and make sure he still loves me so I can keep my fantasy going.
Anyway, my point is...come here. I was yearning for him and the feel goods last week and today I'm doing so much better.
Take care