Fell off wagon...broken NC
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| Wed, 09-09-2009 - 6:31pm |
Hi all, been awhile.
Though I haven't posted I have lurked here, MAS and BS.
I just had to come here and come cleared how I fell off wagon big time and start NC all over again.
I was doing really good with NC. I kept it up over 2 months. No, it wasn't easy, but I always came here reading posts and staying strong.
Then major trigger happened, well in my mind was major.
My divorce got finalized 1st of September and I just felt totally lost. Yes, I shouldn't use this as excuse, but I used it at the time to call xAP. Part of me wished he wouldn't pick up the phone, so I wouldn't have to break NC, but other part of me felt I needed to hear his voice.
He picked up the phone and was very surprised that I called. He kept asking me why I called and all I could say was 'I don't know'.
We couldn't talk long at all because he had meeting he needed to go. So we just finished the called without saying much of anything.
I have to admit after over 2 months of NC, I got fix. It was good to hear his voice, but I knew soon that I have to work even harder to start my NC again.
Yesterday, I got e-mail from him. I should have known not to open it, but I gave in. I read it and called him back.
We both had some unfinished things needed to be said, so we had those cleared out. He told me that he told his DW that I called and we talked. He is sorry that he hurt me and hurt his DW, but not sorry for meeting me and knowing me.
He wants me to call him time to time, let him know how I am doing.
He wants me happy, move on with my life, find someone. He told me that he can't be with me because he just can't leave his kids. He has abandonment issue from his childhood and told me while we were having EA. He also said, if I want nothing to do with him, it isn't easy, but he will respect that and will not contact me.
So this is how I fell off my wagon and broke NC. My hard earned peace broken and I know I have to try double hard to keep things going.
It helped to read post here and BS. I also have my best friend whom I started to close again since I ended my A. She is struggling with her M due to her DH's A with SW. We are closer as friends standing opposite end of A situations. It hurts me to see her hurting, knowing her DH has done to her and their M. I hear her and see what I have done to my xAP's DW. Whatever and however I thought during the A, I was wrong to want a person who wasn't available to me.
Today is my NC day 1 again for 2nd time. As NC rule goes, I should not contact him 'time to time' let him know how I am doing with my life, so I will stick to that for now.

Good Morning White~
I am a big believer that we learn from our mistakes.... from what I read in your post sounds like you've learned that NC means NC period!
I think what allot of us struggle with here is that in "normal" relationships saying hello every now and then checking in to see whats new ect. would be okay.