Felt this was definetly worth sharing..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Felt this was definetly worth sharing..
2
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 12:44am
This is a post from another site for EMA's..Im putting the post and then one lady's response. Wish I had a way with words like the lady's reply...

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I for the life of me can't understand how any BW can miss the signs that their H is sleeping with another woman - let alone invested or involved emotionally with another.

Even if the MM plays a cool game when it comes to covering his tracks - surely subliminally on some level its impossible to miss subtle changes in behavior, of someone that close to you? Even if they are offering W verbal reassurances?

"IMO there is no excuse for any W not to know that her H is cheating.

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I'm sorry, but that's just patently absurd, in every sense of the word. You'll figure that out if it ever happens to you.

"So, it seems to me that many of our resident BWs are saying that they *did* know something was up...they choose to allow that knowing to be explained away, rationalized, mitigated. Which is perhaps both a testament to the ability of the MM to smooth things over, divert attention, or just plain lie and to the ability or desire of the BW to believe.

They knew *something* but for whatever reason choose not to believe because really, the postings that I see, aren't talking about *not* knowing...they're talking about explaining that knowing away or disregarding it."

Let me offer you another perspective.

This isn't about 'allowing' something to be explained away. It's about all the years of trust and the life you've built together being deftly, ruthlessly used against you, to keep you in the dark and make you feel obligated to stay there. It's about him using the fact that you hope against hope that he couldn't turn out to be such a disappointment, that what you've built together will be enough, that he'll respect you enough to give you the dignity of hearing the truth about your own life.

It's about being made to feel that YOU are betraying HIM with your distrust, that YOU are sabotaging the relationship with your insecurity, that if it all comes crashing down it's going to be YOUR fault and YOU and only you will be responsible for all you've lost. It's about just wanting your life to go on the way it has, the way you're used to - about thinking that both of you are in it together, playing by the rules - even though you didn't get to choose the direction when he started to steer the whole thing off-course.

And, speaking of allowing things to be explained away and staying in the dark, think of this: why does all that happen? Because HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE, regardless of what he tells the OW, and when the W finally gets her own back, when she has proof and regains control of her life, he will do ANYTHING to keep her from leaving him, which is what all those lies were for in the first place. He pulled out all the stops, worked overtime, sacrificed his dignity and demeaned his character, just to have the OW without losing the W. For every OW who wonders just how bad the marriage must be for the W not to know, or for him not to care about getting caught, there's an H who wants his W's attention and who will stay right where he is once he's got it - and how many times has THAT been explained away?

"I'm not cheating, baby - how could you believe that of me?" and "I'm just staying until the kids are older/the house is paid off/hell freezes over" are just sides of the same coin - and the fault of the liar, NOT those who love and trust him.

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 9:35am
This post made me sad for a couple of reasons. 1) All of what this BS posted may in fact be true, but I am living proof that MM don't always do it to get their W's attention and to stay. And shame on her for saying what she did as if it is okay to use another human being to fix what is wrong in their marriage. The attitude portrayed in her post nauseated me.

This post reminded me of the woman who has been forced out of denial that her husband would do anything like this to her and their marriage and isn't letting herself really see what/who she married. And if she does see it, what is she actively doing to get her DH the help he so sorely needs?

However, I do feel this post is a great one for single ladies here on this board who believe that life rises and sets with having a man in your life. The key is to make absolutely sure he is a man and not a lieing coward that you end up stuck with...many who never get any help for themselves, cheat over and over and never understand why life is the way it is. These little boys in men's bodies only know how to spread pain because they are too afraid to face their own. They need serious professional help so unless you have a degree in psychology, your best bet is to get as far away from him as possible.

Just my honest opinion.

GT

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 9:46am
One last thought on this. A BS isn't serving herself when she posts that this sort of disrespect is tolerable. Love is about respect and cheating is the highest form of disrespect that anyone can show. It is just another example of a woman being in denial about what is wrong in her marriage and having the willingness to face that she has a part in the problems they are experiencing.

I'm sorry ladies if you didn't like me posting this. But this sort of post really grabs my crawl. You simply cannot speak of love and such disrespect in the same story. That is like mixing oil with water and there is absolutely NO justification for it, just like there is no justification for a single woman/man to get or stay involved with anyone who is married. It serves no healthy purpose.

GT