off the fence and need help
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off the fence and need help
| Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:16am |
For all who have been following my story and giving advice I wanted you to know I am off the fence and I am looking for advice to say goodbye to the ow forever. Over the past year I have tried to end things with the ow and kept going back to her. This weekend things came to an ugly head with both woman. I saw the ow on Friday night at her request. We have been talking daily and seeing each other 2 times a week since I broke it off with her 6 weeks ago. I resisted her sexual advances Friday night which was a big first step for me. We made plans to see each other sat. night but she ended up canceling on me. I sent her a text message sunday morning telling her I missed her last night and apparently her ex husband saw it. She called me all upset to tell me her ex was coming to find me. I was wondering why since he was the ex. Much to my surprise and disappointment she has been playing both sides of the fence. The ow's ex h called my w and told her (my w) that he had been having sex with his ex (my ow) since we broke up and they had been talking of reconciling for quite sometime. He also told my w alot of nasty things the ow supposedly said about me. I suspect she did say some of the things to keep him around in case we didn't work out. This was all contrary to what she (ow) was telling me. She told me she loved me and wanted to be with me and was waiting for me to get divorced, etc. Well my w shared that we had been intimate (which was a lie to tick off my ow) and been going to marriage counseling together. I can't tell you how hurt I am. I realized through this whole mess my w has always been there and continues to support me despite the fact I have cheated on her, lyed and been a jerk. That is all about to change today. I can't decide if I should end things for good with the ow gently or rip into her for lying to me and playing me. We are going to be talking in a few hours. I suspect she is going to say I have been misleading her and she will have all kinds of excuses for me on why she did what she did. Help, what should I say? how do I get over her totally? Knowing she has been misleading me helps but doesn't totally dull the love and pain I feel. I feel like an alcoholic who knows that taking another drink will not be good but continue to do it anyway. I need to get over her or it will ruin any chance I have of reconciling with my w.

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As far as how to keep from hurting your w any further, that's a tougher one. I struggle regularly with how to stay the *&%$# away from my XMM. And it's really not about either the H or the XMM, it's about me. Certain things about XMM fill some crazy void for me and every once in a while I feel like I could go out of mind without contacting him! And eventually the urge passes. And even while I'm having these irresistible urges to contact XMM, I can still honestly appreciate how wonderful my H is. This is about my behavior and screwed up thinking. There's truly nothing more my H could do to make this marriage work any better. He's a wonderful husband and father and the love of my life. I'm just a whackjob.
Anytime you feel like you might contact your XOW, please post here. That's what we're here for. Best of luck when you speak with her later and keep us updated. Love, Mo.
Hi Bear, I am reposting my response to you here from the other board:
Sorry that her true colors were revealed to you in such a hurtful way.
You have an advantage that I don't. Your W knows. And yet she is still hanging on. That is a gift. If you love your wife then you owe it to yourself and her to give it a good shot. It will be rough at first, but it will get better.
You are so fortunate to have your wife still on your side! Embrace that and cherish her. Do not worry about what the OW is thinking now, whether she "hates" you or not; the important thing is that it is OVER, and if you are to recover from this, you must have no contact with her... If I were you, I would start trying VERY hard to find another job so you will not end up having to work with her again. But if you must, keep any interaction completely on the professional level.
I wish you luck.
Ok, now that you're through venting at the xOW, (as if that REALLY accomplishes anything except burning a bridge), you've got to move forward with your devoted wife.
You made the choice to stay with wife and go forward. Now start looking ahead to some serious counseling and heart-to-heart talks with your wife. Before you start caving in and blaming yourself for everything that went wrong so you had an affair, take a moment to list the failures of your marriage that you used to justify looking outside your marriage.
Yes, your wife has stood with you so far. Big emotional relief, isn't it? That fear she would just dump you and run didn't happen. Good start. Remember to keep the ball rolling.
Wife most likely doesn't need to read any more vents from you to the xOW. Why bother keeping any further contact with someone you're not seeing anymore? It's over. You "proved" it's over. So move on.
And I also suggest that instead of wasting any more time feeling "betrayed" by your xOW, spend that time on thinking about how you and wife can rebuild your marriage. Keep the wife as the focus and keep the communication lines open. Now and forward.
You've got work to do and for the first time in a long time you can give it your undivided attention. AND you don't need to lie anymore. As time goes on you'll really begin to appreciate how liberating it is to no longer need to tell or remember lies.
Good luck,
cl-nre
I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I don't. It will be hard at first - especially because things ended badly. But sometimes that makes it easier not to fall back into old ways.
You are lucky to have a W who is standing by you. Cherish her and focus on her and make your future what you wish it to be....
Diva
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