off the fence and need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
off the fence and need help
15
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:16am
For all who have been following my story and giving advice I wanted you to know I am off the fence and I am looking for advice to say goodbye to the ow forever. Over the past year I have tried to end things with the ow and kept going back to her. This weekend things came to an ugly head with both woman. I saw the ow on Friday night at her request. We have been talking daily and seeing each other 2 times a week since I broke it off with her 6 weeks ago. I resisted her sexual advances Friday night which was a big first step for me. We made plans to see each other sat. night but she ended up canceling on me. I sent her a text message sunday morning telling her I missed her last night and apparently her ex husband saw it. She called me all upset to tell me her ex was coming to find me. I was wondering why since he was the ex. Much to my surprise and disappointment she has been playing both sides of the fence. The ow's ex h called my w and told her (my w) that he had been having sex with his ex (my ow) since we broke up and they had been talking of reconciling for quite sometime. He also told my w alot of nasty things the ow supposedly said about me. I suspect she did say some of the things to keep him around in case we didn't work out. This was all contrary to what she (ow) was telling me. She told me she loved me and wanted to be with me and was waiting for me to get divorced, etc. Well my w shared that we had been intimate (which was a lie to tick off my ow) and been going to marriage counseling together. I can't tell you how hurt I am. I realized through this whole mess my w has always been there and continues to support me despite the fact I have cheated on her, lyed and been a jerk. That is all about to change today. I can't decide if I should end things for good with the ow gently or rip into her for lying to me and playing me. We are going to be talking in a few hours. I suspect she is going to say I have been misleading her and she will have all kinds of excuses for me on why she did what she did. Help, what should I say? how do I get over her totally? Knowing she has been misleading me helps but doesn't totally dull the love and pain I feel. I feel like an alcoholic who knows that taking another drink will not be good but continue to do it anyway. I need to get over her or it will ruin any chance I have of reconciling with my w.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 11:57am
Oh boy. Well, first off, it sounds like you had a moment of clarity here, which is always good. And good for your W telling the ow's ex that you 2 had been intimate recently even if it wasn't true. It was her way of protecting you and your marriage, you know, while zinging the ow. It's amazing how we're blessed with these spouses who stand by us no matter how lousy we are, isn't it? I know my H put up with an awful lot during my A but still felt lucky to have me back in his life. Go figure.

As far as how to keep from hurting your w any further, that's a tougher one. I struggle regularly with how to stay the *&%$# away from my XMM. And it's really not about either the H or the XMM, it's about me. Certain things about XMM fill some crazy void for me and every once in a while I feel like I could go out of mind without contacting him! And eventually the urge passes. And even while I'm having these irresistible urges to contact XMM, I can still honestly appreciate how wonderful my H is. This is about my behavior and screwed up thinking. There's truly nothing more my H could do to make this marriage work any better. He's a wonderful husband and father and the love of my life. I'm just a whackjob.

Anytime you feel like you might contact your XOW, please post here. That's what we're here for. Best of luck when you speak with her later and keep us updated. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:30pm
Well, we e-mailed each other to say its over and it got ugly. I tried to say we have deceived each other and should end it. She pointed the finger at me and really let me have it. I retaliated since i'm the one who really got hurt. Now I struggle with the fact she hates me and things I deceived her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 12:39pm

Hi Bear, I am reposting my response to you here from the other board:


Sorry that her true colors were revealed to you in such a hurtful way.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 1:16pm
Hey I have been in the mild case of where you are now. You've just painted the ugly scenerio of where I could have been. I was involved with an OW in a LTR. I started she was in a relationship. Then she was out of the relationship and I thought, "Great! There was only one of us that needed to sneak around." You would think she would have more time, but as it turned out she avoided some of my calls. Then she told me she got back together with him, even though they live in separate places. It was around that time I was thinking how selfish I was being and I left the A. I confess I didn't end it the way I should have, but then again there is another part that said, "If I don't cut contact while I'm feeling this brave, I may not have another chance when talking her out of the A." So I stopped communications, no goodbye. She did contact me for "professional" reasons, but she was feeling me out as in if I was still interested. I responded professionally and just wished her well. That was a month ago. Haven't heard from her since.

You have an advantage that I don't. Your W knows. And yet she is still hanging on. That is a gift. If you love your wife then you owe it to yourself and her to give it a good shot. It will be rough at first, but it will get better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 1:32pm
I sent my e-mail exchange to my wife to read so she could feel better about me ending things. It was horrible and ugly and very painful. god, do I hurt. You go from feeling the love and giving it to hurt and feeling betrayed. How do you cope with the thought someone you loved deceived you? Now I know how my wife felt. This definatly was not the way to end an affair but it certianly makes it impossible to make contact now that she is pissed at me. Lucky me, I will be working with the ow in about 1 month. NOt good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 1:41pm
((Hugs)) Bear, I know it hurts. But think of this as the first day of the rest of your life... Now that you are off the fence you can finally move forward, out of that mess you were stuck in! Things can only get better for you. Like any addiction, you will go through a period of withdrawal and it will take some work on your part to let go. The people on this board can help you with that; we've been there.

You are so fortunate to have your wife still on your side! Embrace that and cherish her. Do not worry about what the OW is thinking now, whether she "hates" you or not; the important thing is that it is OVER, and if you are to recover from this, you must have no contact with her... If I were you, I would start trying VERY hard to find another job so you will not end up having to work with her again. But if you must, keep any interaction completely on the professional level.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:48pm
I don't envy you. At least I can say my xOW doesn't know exactly where I live or my home phone number. I'm also unlisted so unless she wanted to hire an investigator then I'm pretty much safe. You unfortunatly have to deal with what i dealt with when I was single and on the prowl. Dated 3 women from work. Looking back I was asking for trouble because when I was done, I was done and there would be periods I would avoid them (and they me). If you have to talk to the OW, keep it small and light, and get the hell out of there. And it's good you see what hurt you have done to your wife as it's being done to you. It should be motivation to either work things out with her or move on.

I wish you luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:24pm

Ok, now that you're through venting at the xOW, (as if that REALLY accomplishes anything except burning a bridge), you've got to move forward with your devoted wife.


You made the choice to stay with wife and go forward. Now start looking ahead to some serious counseling and heart-to-heart talks with your wife. Before you start caving in and blaming yourself for everything that went wrong so you had an affair, take a moment to list the failures of your marriage that you used to justify looking outside your marriage.


Yes, your wife has stood with you so far. Big emotional relief, isn't it? That fear she would just dump you and run didn't happen. Good start. Remember to keep the ball rolling.


Wife most likely doesn't need to read any more vents from you to the xOW. Why bother keeping any further contact with someone you're not seeing anymore? It's over. You "proved" it's over. So move on.


And I also suggest that instead of wasting any more time feeling "betrayed" by your xOW, spend that time on thinking about how you and wife can rebuild your marriage. Keep the wife as the focus and keep the communication lines open. Now and forward.


You've got work to do and for the first time in a long time you can give it your undivided attention. AND you don't need to lie anymore. As time goes on you'll really begin to appreciate how liberating it is to no longer need to tell or remember lies.


Good luck,


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:15pm
Bear,

I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I don't. It will be hard at first - especially because things ended badly. But sometimes that makes it easier not to fall back into old ways.

You are lucky to have a W who is standing by you. Cherish her and focus on her and make your future what you wish it to be....

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 12:16pm
Thanks for your posts. I am posting now so that I can fight the urge to e-mail or call the ow. To bring you all up to date. AS you recall from my prior posts I had found out some things I didn't really want to hear when her ex h called my w. OW was extremely upset about what she heard and sent me a scathing e-mail accusing me of betraying her and leading her on. I basically deserve some blame for not committing to her but betrayal was not appropriate. We talked by phone last night(broke NC)basically to discuss all that was said and done. I couldn't handle knowing a woman I loved so dearly blamed me for the demise of our relationship when she was an equal participant. We went over the issues and basically agreed we both messed things up. I always loved her and continue to. I just didn't love the situation. We agreed to move on and continue NC. This morning on my way to work I wanted to call her. MY w called to see if I was ok. I was not. I was crying uncontrollably. I have been very upset since things ended with the ow. I told w I would stay strong and work on on our marriage. We have our 2nd marriage counseling session tonight then we are going out to dinner. I can't seem to get the ow and our history off my mind. I think about how much pain I am in and how it would go away if I fell back in love with my w again. I so desparately want to loose these feelings I have for the ow. Went to the Dr.s today. Add another diagnosis to my medical chart. Broken heart, anxiety and now depression. I am extremely upset that my only job offer is to return to the same company that the ow works. I may not have to work in the same office but it will still be tough. I guess I am in mourning now. My W doesn't know why I'm ticked off based on the fact the ow deceived me. I'm not sure why I don't hate her for that. does anyone have any tricks that help block out the ow or om? I need to do that so I can focus on w and my marriage.

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