off the fence and need help
Find a Conversation
off the fence and need help
| Mon, 10-25-2004 - 10:16am |
For all who have been following my story and giving advice I wanted you to know I am off the fence and I am looking for advice to say goodbye to the ow forever. Over the past year I have tried to end things with the ow and kept going back to her. This weekend things came to an ugly head with both woman. I saw the ow on Friday night at her request. We have been talking daily and seeing each other 2 times a week since I broke it off with her 6 weeks ago. I resisted her sexual advances Friday night which was a big first step for me. We made plans to see each other sat. night but she ended up canceling on me. I sent her a text message sunday morning telling her I missed her last night and apparently her ex husband saw it. She called me all upset to tell me her ex was coming to find me. I was wondering why since he was the ex. Much to my surprise and disappointment she has been playing both sides of the fence. The ow's ex h called my w and told her (my w) that he had been having sex with his ex (my ow) since we broke up and they had been talking of reconciling for quite sometime. He also told my w alot of nasty things the ow supposedly said about me. I suspect she did say some of the things to keep him around in case we didn't work out. This was all contrary to what she (ow) was telling me. She told me she loved me and wanted to be with me and was waiting for me to get divorced, etc. Well my w shared that we had been intimate (which was a lie to tick off my ow) and been going to marriage counseling together. I can't tell you how hurt I am. I realized through this whole mess my w has always been there and continues to support me despite the fact I have cheated on her, lyed and been a jerk. That is all about to change today. I can't decide if I should end things for good with the ow gently or rip into her for lying to me and playing me. We are going to be talking in a few hours. I suspect she is going to say I have been misleading her and she will have all kinds of excuses for me on why she did what she did. Help, what should I say? how do I get over her totally? Knowing she has been misleading me helps but doesn't totally dull the love and pain I feel. I feel like an alcoholic who knows that taking another drink will not be good but continue to do it anyway. I need to get over her or it will ruin any chance I have of reconciling with my w.

Pages
In my experience, time has been the best healer so far. Time and NC!!!
You made your choice. Now live with it. Marriage is difficult on a good day...and after an A, the challenges increase. You are lucky your W is willing to rebuild. Don't betray her any more by wasting time on the ex and how and why your A broke apart.
But with challenges come opportunities. Try to think of it as beginning a "new" life, but with the hard-earned experience that makes us wiser (well, in theory anyway!).
In my opinion, lose the OW. She is clearly a headcase, playing one man against the other, perhaps a DRAMAQUEEN. DRAMAQUEENS are nothing but bad news. Regardless, she broke your trust...you will always remain in doubt. With that "damaged" trust, can you HONESTLY, possibly have a relationship with that woman if you were to get divorced?
I am not advocating for you to remain in the marriage- that is entirely up to you. Fix the pressing issue first: have absolute no contact with OW. What would be the point of communicating with OW, to stabilize the relationship with her...to make sure she doesn't leave until you finally make up your mind? Would it matter to you if she is lying or not? She broke your trust; problem is you are seeing, sniffing the "rosy" aspect of the relationship to realize the sadistic dilemma you got yourself caught up in. You know deep down you have to let her go (whether you are married or not)...but you are fearing something. What?
Well, everyone does, to some extent. When I moved out of my house and asked my H for a divorce, I was scared witless.
After my A ended, I did go back to my H. It was partly about fear, but mostly b/c I realized what a great man I almost lost due to my stupidity and selfishness.
Even if you WERE alone...you'd be okay. Trust me. It would be scary and uncertain, but you'd make it work. Don't use that fear as a crutch to not take action.
I don't want to come across cold, but a little tough love is in order here. You've been mentioning on how OW has been deceiving you. Well have you not been true to OW in other ways like putting your W first? How were the holidays? Bet you spent them with your W. A are not relationships of true love because if you truely loved the OW, you would have left W long ago and not looked back. You were not in a true loving relationship in the first place because you both didn't put each other first.
Now you're afriad of being alone. I can understand and relate. However, if you are not comfortable in your own skin, how the hell do you expect others to be? Love yourself first, then you will be loveable to other.
Sorry didn't mean to Dr. Phil on you but you know there is true to what I am saying.
Pages