Fighting with H and wanting to call xOM
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| Wed, 12-29-2004 - 10:48pm |
So I had an arguement w/ H tonight. Man did he tick me off! He does this sh*t to me all the time and it just makes me SO mad!!
Our friends cancelled New Years Eve plans with us at the last minute, so now we are scrambling to make other plans - well, actually, I (capitalized, bold) am scrambling to make other plans! And it's not just that I feel like I am the one trying to make all the plans - I know he is busy at work this time of year, but when I spoke w/ him about it and asked for his suggestions, he suggests stuff that he KNOWS I don't want to do! He said, "Well, maybe we can go to one of the block parties downtown or to a club or something". How long have you known me??? 4 years?? How many times do I have to tell you that I HATE going to block parties and clubs because of all the drunk drivers on the road and random gun fire and other crap that happens during NYE??? UGH!!!
Ok - so my point to all this crap is that as soon as I hung up the phone w/H, I wanted to call xOM. I didn't, but I wanted too. When does that stop? When does the immidiate thoughts of xOM stop when stuff like this happens?
Diva
Edited 12/30/2004 1:02 am ET ET by actressdiva

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Free, that's so right. I wonder how much of what MM has said to me is really true. The sad part is, we're both liars. I lied so easily to my H, him to his W. What makes us think we would NEVER lie to each other...duh.
Diva, with my dad dying, you'd think my H would be my pillar of strength. Nope. Right now he is at his selfish worst, bringing me to the point of telling him it's over. I do not want him at my dad's wake and funeral, and when this is all over, I want to separate.
Who do you think I wanted to contact all day long? But I didn't. I am very proud to say I did not call or go see MM. I knew in my heart that MM would not fulfill any needs of support for me either. I decided to spare my heart some more pain tonight. It feels good to win the little battles.
My dad would be proud of me-
Breathe
Diva
Sorry but I have to ask HOW DO YOU KNOW BESIDES HIS WORD ??
Free
((((Breathe))))
I am so sorry to here about your dad, what your going through right now is my worst fear.
Honor your father by honoring yourself.
Free
Diva,
I see you're a night owl, too! (Thanks for the support during my egg-nog tirade, btw.) I have had similar feelings when H and I are fighting. For me, I think it goes back to the idea that I held dear for so long that xOM was my soulmate, my "one true love" and that the fighting was a signal that H was not and that I was "meant to be" with xOM. Before xOM, I didn't believe in soulmates, etc., then I was fully converted to the idea. Now, I think I'm back to my original line of thought, that it's a lifelong choice, not a divine event. Does that seem jaded? Maybe. All I know is that my "soulmate" caused me more heartache and gut-wrenching anxiety than I ever thought possible. And I can't believe God would "design" a relationship like that, therefore, we weren't "soulmates," but rather imagined each other to be the perfect mate. Then reality came, a big, obnoxious alarm clock, and the dream was over. When the real world gets rough, it's easy to want to go back to that dream state. But we can't exist in a dream, because then we aren't REALLY living.
Newsgal
"xOM was my escape, my getaway, my alernate life where I was the center of attention, the most beautiful woman in the world & the most important person in the universe. I was special and I was loved. When we were together, NOTHING else mattered - not family, friends, work, or anything. "
Diva: what you wrote is the essence of affairs: total escape from the real world.
You know your H loves you deeply...you've said so many, many times. You know how special you are to him, regardless of occasional "insensitive" comments or replies. you also know H is under a lot of stress at work at this time of year; perfect time for him to engage mouth before engaging brain.
The block/downtown parties could be something different for both of you, particlularly if you decided to splurge and get a room right there in the middle of the action rather than drive home. Did you think of that possibility as a solution to your fear of drunk drivers? Mr. wonderful husband probably could have come up with the suggestion were he not so focused/stressed at work.
As for xOM, as handsome/wonderful/dreamboat as he was, remember he lied through his teeth to an unsuspecting wife to put you on that pillar and drop your pants.....so what was xOM's REAL motive? Because clearly you only saw one side of him; no arguing, whining, or real thoughts. Just an escape.
Which ties back into something you posted about yourself a week or two ago: husband is the ONLY man you've dated for as long as you did. The ONLY man who
News,
Great words of wisdom!
Free -
His mom told me (I met her, but she didn't know I was married).
Diva
Newsgal -
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WOW! That was an amazing way to look at it - as SO true! I too, thought xOM was my "soulmate" - but if he was, then I guess we would have met when things were right (like when we were bothe SINGLE) and our relationship would have worked out. He wouldn't have caused me the pain and angony he caused...and I wouldn't have done the same to him. Thnaks so much for these words of wisdom!!!
Diva
NRE -
First of all, your words made me cry - not in a bad way ;-)
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Funny, no one ever had to remind me of this before my A! But now I need to hear it more often!
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I need an explanation of this one. I'm not sure that xOM lied to me. He was pretty upfront about his feelings and what was going on with him. I think I did more of the lying, I'm ashamed to say. I was the one that told him I would give up everything for him when, I honestly don't know that I would have. I said it to keep him around (this was after the first time he tried to break things off).
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Actually, I dated someone else for a few years more than I have H. I think what I said is H is the only man I have never had the back & forth relationship with (break up - get back together - break up - get back together). He is definitley the only man I have ever had a HEALTHY relationship with.
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At this point, I'm not even sure I know ALL of ME ;-) I let xOM in and let him know more than I ever should have. I told him my hopes, fears, dreams, desires. Do I think he knows ALL of me? Probably not - but I'm not so sure H does either...
As for New Year's Eve - we decided to head down to Mexico with 2 other couples - should be fun. We were last there for our anniversary...that was also right at the beginning of my A w/ xOM - I'm hoping to make some better memories and focus more on H than xOM on this trip.
As for the industry party - that is tonight. And actually H said he may not go because he will probably work late - that time of year, as you know! I called my friend who is in town visiting and is also an actress, so she'll probably go with me instead. I'm trying to be understanding ;-)
Diva
Edited 12/30/2004 1:31 pm ET ET by actressdiva
In case you're wondering why I chose this particular icon, I've never used it before and thought it might fit: "Let's Calm Down"......LOL
No intention of making you cry in any manner, just trying to do my part in this pinball bouncing you're going through right now and putting the focus on the only non-back and forth relationship you've ever had....
So, all those things you shared with xOM that haven't hit hubby's ears yet: no time like the present on a soft pillow in Mexico to start making sure he knows you even more.......assuming of course the two of you come up for air from the anniversary romps.....
Oh and about tonight's soiree? It's not too late to call up hubby and thank him for his dedication to his work, you respect how busy he is at this time, HOWEVER, you'd really appreciate it if he could stop by after work so you can show him off to all the people who've been asking about the man that keeps putting such a big grin on your face. (You do realize you were merely using xOM as a surrogate for hubby's warmth, love, affection and attention, don't you?). Even if hubby is dog-tired from work, I can't imagine he wouldn't appreciate hearing how much he floats your boat and that other people see it too.
Oh, and that argument thing? I'm sure by now you've already called him and mentioned that the spat was more about disappointment with sharing great time with him and friends than how you feel about him as a person. And how you'd appreciate it if he could agree with you that the focus for the evening is having a great time together no matter where you're at and you don't want anything to get in the way of sharing that time with him....
An occasional "I'm tired, too, how's your day in the trench going" approach I'm sure will open doors of yakking between two loving spouses. You each get to acknowledge you're busy yet looking forward to time together.....
Have a great time......
cl-nre
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