Fighting hard
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| Sun, 02-28-2010 - 8:06pm |
Day 6 NC and this is by far the worst yet. The texts have stopped. I guess he finally got the hint. Maybe that is why I am feeling so bad. Every morning when I wake up my first thoughts are still "Did he send me a text or e-mail?" and then I remember that we no longer do that. I know this is the right thing to do, but that doesn't help the hurt. I'm not going to contact him. I know if I did I would never get the response I want and I would just be back at day 1 in a few weeks.
To make a bad day worse my husband suggested we go to dinner where me and xAP always went to dinner. This great man is trying to get me to pay attention to him and my thoughts are all with xAP. I am trying to hang on to the hope that I will feel better again soon, but right now it is hard to get by minute by minute let along day by day. Absolutely everything I do reminds me of him. Why won't he get out of my head? Why can't I just let him go? I am falling apart. I just have to hang on.

Completelylost,
I dont' have big words of wisdom for you, I just wanted to let you know that I am sending you my support and ((hug)).
I am in the beginning stages of NC also..it is hard. I don't know about you but I feel a sense of accomplishment so far when I don't contact him.
You are doing really good, so be kind to yourself..this is all part of grieving and going through the process.
Remember your XAP has nothing to offer you worth having.
Hi CLM,
It’s hard and it’s painful and there is no quick or easy way to get through it. It will get easier over time.
Do you and your H text or email? My H texts me daily during the week.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi,
Breaking the habit of looking for a text or email will be a lot easier if you block him. Why have you not done this? Are you still needing to know he's trying to contact you? Not blocking is like picking a scab that's trying to heal - really. The pain will not go away until you stop picking at it!
Be strong for yourself and your H and block him, ok?
xo
Dee
Thank you all for your kind words. It helps to know you are not alone. E1 that is a great idea. He used to text me every morning and all throughout the day, but he has been so busy lately that he doesn't seem to have the time. I'll talk to him about it. And Dee I actually haven't checked my e-mail (we had a special account) since I started NC, but as for the texts I try to tell myself that I don't block him because I am afraid that my H would notice. If I am being completely honest with myself I know deep down that it was because I still wanted that validation that I was getting from knowing that he was still thinking about me. Now that the texts have stopped I am having a much harder time. Hell, I couldn't get him to respond to a text when we were actually talking most of the time. And now that I have quit responding the texts were coming in like crazy.
Before this A started and even several months into it I was very carefree and confident. Now all of that is gone and it has been replaced with hurt, guilt, and self doubt. The rejection I feel is overwhelming. In the beginning I got all of the attention I wanted then some, but in the end it was only when it was convenient for him (which was very seldom). It seems that everything in my life was wrapped up in him in some way. Everything I do makes me think of him. Even running in the morning (which used to be a huge stress relief) makes me think about him.
I know without a doubt that I did the right thing. This is what I want, but the pain seems almost unbearable at times. I know its only been 6 days, but it seems like I am never going to be happy again. I feel so lonely. Lonely? I am married! Yet even that doesn't help the majority of the time. My H deserves a wife that is fully invested in the marriage and at the moment I am probably 20% (if that much) invested.
Thank you ladies so much for taking the time to read this. It really helps to get it off my chest and get some feedback. And to know that there is light at the end of this deep, dark, long tunnel of pain.
Hugs to all.
Yes it helps to get it off your chest by writing and you will probably feel like you are doing things robotically and feel numb with regards to your M. This is very normal after ending an A.
Many of us can relate to wrapping your life up in AP during the A.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
CLM
welcome and congratulations on ending your A. i am two weeks out and am in your shoes. the sadness and rejection you speak of --well, i am right there with you. i admire your honesty--with us and yourself. it is obvious that you have the tools to be successful. keep fighting.
lillie
Hi-
We all know what you are going through- it does get easier- it really does. I know that right now that may be hard to believe. I've been in your shoes. My whole world was wrapped up in xAP because we work together, share common friends and hobbies. All of that just had to stop and that was hard. Everything reminds me of him. But, luckily, I have a DH who will NOT give up on me no matter how much I mess up (We have had 3 D-Days and he's still here fighting away for us).
Are you and your H in counseling? My H and I started last week. We have our 2nd session tonight. The first few days after I initiated NC with xAP, I was grieving so much that it was hard to put my energy back into my M. But, slowly, I started opening up to my H (something I had not done for well over a year). I let him back in (where he always wanted to be), and little by little, my heart has opened back up to him. I have truly found that the more energy I pour into my M the more I get back out of it. I've read a lot about the difference between romantic love and mature love in the interim and that has helped me to appreciate my M so much more. Is it as exciting as the A? Of course not- A's are built on excitement, but as you now know, they result in so much pain.
Hang in there- take it day by day with your H and "fake it till you make it"- this works two way- act like you are over xap and act like you are devoted to your H and eventually it will happen.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/