fighting nice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
fighting nice
20
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 4:13am
I've had a lot of time on planes lately, and got to thinking. Why was it so hard ignore xAPs latest fishing attempt? Why did I feel such a strong urge to reply? Why did I want to apologise and explain why I couldn't see him? Why was it so hard to press delete?

I don't want to see him, I don't want to be "friends" (not that we ever were), I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said already, and I certainly don't want to be back in the A. But I do want to be nice. Nice. Huh, there's an interesting word. What does nice mean? Nice means saying "yes" when someone asks you to do something, it means answering emails and returning phone calls right away, it means making yourself available even when it's not really convenient, it means avoiding conflict by smoothing over difficult conversations, it means overlooking bad behaviour and giving people the benefits of the doubt, it means bending over backwards to keep all of the people happy all of the time. Bloody he!l. Nice is part of what got me into this mess in the first place.

So I have decided that I don't want to be a nice person any more. I want to be good person. Good people are allowed to say no, and to ignore emails that threaten to harm their family, and to say what they really think, and to hold people accountable for bad behaviour, and to trust their instincts, and to focus on the happiness of their families and let other people be responsible for themselves.

So this week I'm fighting nice and striving for good instead. What about you? Did the desire to be nice play any role in your A?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 8:40pm

Great topic!

Being too nice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 10:15pm

Melinda, I'm totally with you when you say "it was all me before the A and got much worse IN the A". Yes, I'm usually polite and accomodating and try to avoid hurting people's feelings. But dumbing down my conversations so that he would feel smarter? Agreeing to meet for breakfast at 5am so that he wouldn't have to miss a session at the gym

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 10:46pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2010
In reply to: katniss
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 10:50pm
Yes Aries here and i am a people Pleaser also. Feel free to message me with bday wishes for yur xmm lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2011
In reply to: katniss
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 8:11am
I am an Aries man, and b'day coming up in 2 weeks! Despite NC for almost 3 months (and really since October except for brief single exchange on Jan 1) I still have mixed feelings. On the one hand I have some anticipation that I might receive a message, on the other, I am hoping that I don't, because I will then be tempted to be "nice" and reply. So whatever you do, don't send a message! It will just set you back. There is no possible reply (or lack of reply) that will make you feel better. And not doing it will make you feel stronger and more in control. So - stay strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2011
In reply to: katniss
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 4:42pm

Oh that was me too! I was a people pleaser, always wanting to keep the peace between xap and I. always was there to lend him my shoulder to lean on, always was there with that extra encouragement to make HIM happy..anything to make HIM happy. WTH was I thinking?! I was so fogged up, it was pathetic!

I sought to be validated by him and others, and am addressing this issue in T. But my gosh, looking back on how much I allowed myself to be walked all over...sickens and disappoints me :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: katniss
Sat, 03-26-2011 - 1:16am
Thanks Devious D, I might just take you up on that offer!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
In reply to: katniss
Sun, 03-27-2011 - 12:13am

Hi Waking Up, those feelings of "always wanting to keep the peace" and doing "anything to keep him happy" seem to be a fairly common theme round here. I still don't understand what it was about an A that prompted us to behave in those ways. Was it because we always knew that we were just an optional extra in their lives who could be discarded at any time? Or because we didn't think we were worthy of being loved for our "whole selves" and not just the "nice" parts? Or because

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
In reply to: katniss
Sun, 03-27-2011 - 2:43am

Hi Kat

I love this topic. I really suffer from wanting to be a people pleaser and always wanting to be seen as nice, light and easy going.

This became very obvious to me when exAP and I stopped seeing each other and I ultimately found him on a dating site. My first reaction was ...'maybe he thought I was on there- oh no- I hope he doesnt think Im a slut!' I lost sleep over that thought.

I was shocked to realise that my first thoughts were about him and his impression of me! Not how awful he had treated me and he was on a dating site!!! How low could I go- honestly!!

Im with you Kat- Im happy to fight the need to be nice!!! It is paralysing!

Iggyxx

You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2011
In reply to: katniss
Sun, 03-27-2011 - 11:21pm

Possibly because we could be discarded at any time, and to prevent that from happening, we'd allow ourselves to do whatever possible to

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