Filling in xAP's thoughts: CRAZY!
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Filling in xAP's thoughts: CRAZY!
| Tue, 12-15-2009 - 12:37pm |
Hi everyone,
As some of you know, I am in LC with my xAP (he lives in my neighborhood).
Now, one thing that I hate so much is that at some days I try to fill in xAP's thoughts. Like: "oh.. he is acting so cold... he probably misses me and doesn't dare to admit it."
Or: "why does he seem to be in such a bad mood? It must be because he loves me and cannot be with me."
It's INSANE! Deep down I know that xAP does not think like that and WTF , WHY am I even thinking about what xAP might be thinking? I should not! And I am trying not to, I really am.
It makes me so angry that I think like that sometimes.
I should not care one bit about what xAP thinks/ does/ says/ whatever.
htgo

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Well....at least your thoughts are that he really wants you!
HI HTGO!
You are right you cannot know what xAP is thinking and you will drive yourself crazy trying to fill in his thoughts. There is no way to get inside someone else's head and figure out their motives.
You can only figure out what "you" are doing and why you are doing it. LC is a hard road and because you see them regularly it unfortunately can allow your thoughts to go into "what ifs", "why he", "when he says this does he mean that" etc. You can guess all day and you probably still won't have the right answer. So, you are right. Don't waste your time.
Make a list of things to do when you find your mind reeling on those thoughts. Even goggling "bass fishing" would be more constructive than thoughts of xAP.
Much love and big hugs,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
HTGO,
I spent a very long time in this phase and it is self torture.
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I feel like you do all the time....but then I do a reality check...it simply DOES NOT MATTER!! I by some chance the sociopath misses me....does he really? and if so, is it going to change the fact that he is M and has other multiple women too? No. Its not. So what he thinks, if it all, does not matter, it changes nothing...
I am learning this and it is not easy for me, I hurt bad everyday. today was a good one, tomorrow I may be a mess, I just have to hope for the best. BUt I know that me thinkong what he is thinkin will just stunt any progress and drive me crazy
Silence is best, silence is heard and Silence speaks volumes.....I literally chant this to maintain NC. What it tells me is that I am not going to give him the satisfaction of even knowing that he is even a thought. I have the power and I am keeping it.
think about how miserable when you with him anyway....that helps me....let me know if you ever want to talk off the board
Victoryismine, hi! Good to see you again :-)
So you also spent a very long time in this phase even though you were out of the A? Yes, it IS self torture. And some days I can handle it much better than other days. Yesterday obviously was not such a good day for me in that regard.
I spend far too much time taking care of other people, if only just in my mind! Trying to feel what the other person feels, is NOT always GOOD! Especially not in a situation like this. Yes, I need to force myself to get out of this cycle! Hmm... you said you can tell me what he is thinking... now it makes me wonder: what do you think? But you probably won't tell me.
I know it's not about hating the xAP. Hate is not good. But it sure helps to be angry with the xAP.
It's an obsession :( But hopefully all the babysteps together will lead me to indifference once and for all. Thanks :-)
Hugs! Htgo
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Hi Siennajaden, you are absolutely right too! It does not matter at all what he is or is not thinking. Some days are easier to deal with it than other days. Ah, I really have to stop thinking about his possible thoughts. It IS driving me crazy too!!
Anyway, that was yesterday. Hopefully today will be better. And tomorrow. And all the tomorrows to come.
Thanks,
Hugs
htgo
You know...I think its part of the healing process in wishful thinking, pur se, that AP misses us.
Think about it...when you break up with your boyfriend (AP or not), you always wonder if they miss you or not.
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
HTGO what xAP is thinking is never ever ever ever EVER going to mesh with what you are thinking.
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Hey Victory,
I will keep trying :) And I have to believe that I will overcome everything. All that you said, is very true, and yes, I have not yet overcome my desire to be a people pleaser. I hate it. Thank you for what you said. I couldn't think of any good quality about myself when I read the thread Iddy started. I will copy all that you wrote and put it in my special folder. Thanks.
Hugs
Htgo
(((HTGO)))
Honey, you are special and unique and never forget that. Just wanted to send you some hugs and wish you a strong day.
~Iddy~
Dear HTGO,
I think you've been given great advice. Getting validation from someone else is a common theme for those of us who made the choice to be involved in an affair.
Figuring out how not to do that should be a primary goal because it allows you to grow as a person and helps ensure that you never make that choice again.
You might want to read this piece on boundaries. I thought it was really well done: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14688-establishing-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships/
Affairs cause catastrophic damage to a person's self-esteem. It takes work and effort to be restored. But the good news is that it can be done. You can (and will) recover.
Stay the course!
All the best,
TTS
~TTS
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