The final nail in the coffin!
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| Mon, 02-28-2005 - 10:00am |
If I was looking for that one final nail in the coffin of my A to keep me from EVER opening that pain again, I got it a Friday night.
I had asked XMM a question that I felt I already knew the answer to about something that happened recently and I asked him to please answer honestly...and he did...and it hurt. I immediately ended the conversation (online) and left, which he knew I would do if he told me the truth. I welled up with anger and tears once again..worked through it one more time and vowed to never shed another tear over this man again.
I cannot go into details on what this thing was, but I will say this much..it was something I had voiced my concern and anguish over many, many times. He knew if he did this, that could be the end of the last bit of 'friendship' we had left. He knew how painful this would be for me, and he chose to do it anyway. Wow, if ever you need a clear perspective on how someone really feels about you, see if him knowing he's is putting a knife right through your heart if he does this or that, and goes on to do it anyway, regardless of your pain.
I wrote him one last email telling him that I would have NEVER put him through the pain he's put me through..knowingly too, that's what is killing me here. The entire time he's doing this, he knew in his mind that it would be the end of whatever traces of a friendship we had left, but I guess that's what selfish people do, they only think of themselves and do not care what pain they inflict on those they CLAIM to "love".
I don't want to hate him, but I'm damn near close. But I believe now is my turn on this board to have TOTAL NC now. The hell with the friendship we had with him and his W, how can I even look at him now?! I'm so *&%^#! furious!

PUP
Not to p/o you worse then you already are BUT, that "FRIENDSHIP" with him and his wife and you and your husband ENDED the second you crossed that line..YOU became his WIFES worst enemy in the world even is she does not know it and he became your HUSBANDS worst enemy in the world even if he does not know it. That friendship is long dead time to bury the corpse before it stinks up the place.
How can you be friends with a person that has treated your husband with total disrespect and contempt by screwing around with his wife, if a person attempts to keep such a Friendship with the XAP or they in fact not continuing to treat there spouse with that Disrespect and Contempt...are they being a FRIEND to there own spouse YES/NO.
Free
I am sorry Hurtpup.
Its really hard and disapointing when someone you have/had a connection with does this.
(Notice I dare not post this on the other board!! I still feel raked over from last week).
NC - Hurts like nothing I have ever did.........and did not want, but I did it for my pride.
xMM left me 2 messages right after Christmas, and then about 2 weeks later I left him a message...........but he never called back......and that is when NC started.
Its when they show you the bad sides of themselves - it makes it easier to do NC because you do want them to remember you later down the road "fondly"....
I had a horrible time when I got back from Canada on Sunday....long story and I am not sure when or where to post...there was a dinner anyways after my H and I got off the plane....and xMM and his W was there.....he looked sad.
and since then, I opened one email that xMM's wife sent this afternoon by accident, I double clicked when I was trying to delete.
They finally planned a romantic night tonight.........I guess I should not feel bad, they have not had sex for 2 1/2 years and he's been home for 4 months and tonights the first...........
I was doing so good - and I have not cryed yet.
But NC!! had dinner not happened at all like my H said......there would have been NC.
and If I had not double clicked and saw the word sex.......I would not have read it.
Now I am so sad.
NC..........it does help.
Good luck! email me anytime
Free, yes I know this isn't really a "friendship" anymore, but was trying to explain WHY I had maintained minimal contact with him after we broke up. My H knew for the last 4 years I've been chatting with him online nightly. In the 6 months we've been broken up, my H has noticed I don't talk to him much as before, and has brought it up. So if I had complete NC suddenly 6 months ago when it ended, H would KNOW there is something wrong somewhere. I've been trying to ease out of remnants what is left between the four of us without calling too much attention, and I believe we are finally there. Being me and H aren't going out anymore with the mutual friends we all have together, it makes it easier to slip away quietly.
Anna, I agree, the other board can be harsh..it's why you shouldn't go there until your wounds are healed over a bit. It's hard enough getting over this, without having people bash you while you're trying to recover. Anyway, I know you know the problems with having your XMM as a family "friend" (I hestitate to use the word because Free will yell at me! lol). We feel we need NC but then it sucks to know we lost what we had before we had the A with these men. We've only known them about four years, so it's not as bad as if it was my H very good friend, such as in your case. I just have to give up this social circle, as well as whats left of our friendship with XMM and his W, in order for me to have complete NC and move COMPLETELY past all this. But I guess that's my punishment for getting involved with someone IN my social circle to begin with.
I HAVE done a few things that I want to update you on. I removed all of the items he gave me that I had sitting on my window sill at work. I didn't think i'd ever do that, because even though we had been broken up awhile, looking at those items never made me sad. Yesterday I got a box and packed it all up. I blocked his screennames and have no intention of speaking to him again. He's hurt me THAT bad over this particular thing..he made a choice to go forward with something he knew the entire time there was a good chance I'd never speak to him again.
On one hand, he was being honest with me about it, so I should be..grateful?..that at least he didn't lie. But I can't get past the fact that he can do something so self-serving knowing full well he was putting a knife thru my heart. He knew telling me may result in the final straw for me, and it did. I have no desire to ever lay eyes on him again..I NEVER wanted it to get to that.
Pup
I never YELL, I just speak very CLEARLY, what I said about the "FRIENDSHIP" thing is how the non affair clear thinking world sees it, how your HUSBAND would see it.
>>>" But I can't get past the fact that he can do something so self-serving knowing full well he was putting a knife thru my heart."<<<<
Way are you so surprised that he did something so self-serving...is that not what he did when he cheated on his wife and buddy by sleeping with "YOU"...he told you who he is when he jumped in the sack with you...as the old addage goes BELIEVE PEOPLE WHEN THE TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE THE FIRST TIME THEY TELL YOU.
Affairs are about "ME", they are use relationships I use you for what I want and you use me for what you want...there not "US" relationships...marriage is suppost to be that way "US" against the world, but for that to work "I" have to take second place to "US".
JMNSHO
Free
<>
I was just jokin with ya...
<< what I said about the "FRIENDSHIP" thing is how the non affair clear thinking world sees it, how your HUSBAND would see it.>>
I realize that, but what do I call the "thing" we have with XMM and his W? For lack of a better word, I called it a "friendship" because that's how everyone has viewed it. Believe me, I know full well that the ONLY reason we became friends with them is because me and XMM were nudging it that way because we were feeling the attraction from the start and simply wanted to be around each other more. Yup, stupid thing, because it's what I'm seeing from him now...the people he chooses to make "friends" with happen to have an attractive female as part of the couple. I guess we all feel "special" in the beginning then realize we're not that special after all.
<>>
I know, and it's something that I'm coming to terms with now. I've already ran those words over in my own mind "he was selfish enough to get involved with me when he has a wife"...therefore that makes him (and myself included) very selfish, self-serving people. No, I shouldn't be surprised,..I guess the part that suprises me more is that he can STILL tell me "I'm still in-love with you", and turn around and do that only days later. I wrote to him that "you only love yourself and who can effectively stroke your ego".
I'm ok though, like I said, I got pissed, I cried, then I got myself together and figured it may be the best thing to happen here...it let me see him for who he really is and gives me the anger I need to lock the door on this A for good.
Pup
So was I (Jokeing that is)
>>"but what do I call the "thing" we have with XMM and his W?"<<<
How about a LIE and manipulation of your respective spouses and to some degree YOU.
From what you say he has a history of this sort of thing so LOVE does not even enter into it for him it's LUST he is a PREDITOR plain and simple and you were his next meal and I am sure he would like to come back for a snack from time to time.
I would like to suggest with the best of intentions that you stop spending time and energy on him and be about the job of Growing you to the place were Selfish is a thing of the past for you, I don't know if you know anything about the con game but it will only work on a person who does not master his greed but allows greed it to rule his thinking, the same is true with affairs they will not happen if a person learns to master selfishness expressed as lust (called attraction by many) or a NEED for attention that is not healthy.
I presume he has moved on to the next woman ( EGO meal) and that is what has got you so upset...if so it had to be expected.
JMNSHO
Free
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It's how I see it, although of course he says "you're imagination is getting the best of you". In the beginning I didn't know this about him, but learned as time went on when I started meeting his "friends"..then it all started coming together for me, but by then, I was already attached and in very deep. Once I was really convinced his intentions were purely ego-driven, I did all the things here most of the women are going through, the cycle of breaking up then him talking his way back in. But 6 months ago I got the strength to break up for good, because I realized this is how he IS and that is not acceptable to me. Therefore, the only thing I had control of at that point is putting a stop to the A, and have had the strength ever since to not let him talk himself back in, even though he's tried over and over.
I know it doesn't seem like it Free, but I HAVE come a long way since then. I can't help but still feel hurt when things like this happen..we had a nearly 3 year A, most of emotionally driven, so it comes back to sting my heart every so often. But I really DO feel about 80% healed over this..it's just that the fact that this thing angered and hurt me all over again made me realize I have a little more work to do.