Finally

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Finally
5
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 9:42pm

Yesterday XMM sent me an ecard. It was funny and a little suggestive but just said HI. I was angry that he would send a note that said anything suggestive. I wanted a note that said I miss you, blah, blah. I started thinking what kind of game is he trying to play with me? So instead of doing anything like calling or emailing him I just thought about it. I thought about it, I didn't obsess over it. I refused to dwell on it when I had other things I knew I needed to do.

This morning I realized that he sent it because he thought it was funny and he wanted to say HI. If anyone else had sent me that I would have laughed and replied to them, so why was I letting this be so different? I started seeing that somewhere along the way my whole life had become completely out of whack. It really didn't matter if XMM was trying to hook me or whatever. Lots of guys hit on me all of the time and I am flattered and turn them down. It is my choice and I know that my family and H come first. Somewhere along the way I put xmm first. I knew that he was a MM when I got myself into this. I knew that we would never leave our families. When did I start thinking that this was OK and let it have priority in my life? Probably when we had IC because I am a woman. That means a lot to me. Somewhere along the way I put him where my H should have been.

It was always my doing, he may or may not have been playing me but I always had the choice. I was not some innocent person that had no choice and was used by this ruthless guy. He may have used me but I was a willing victim. That is what I finally get. There is a lot of talk about choices and even though I thought I understood that it was my choice I guess I never truly accepted that. I wanted to blame him for what I chose, or blame my bad m, or my lack of sex at home. I was unhappy and I chose to be that way. The truth is I chose to give away my own personal power.

I feel truly free now. I did call XMM and we talked and he said he misses me, misses lunch, misses all of the little things. I miss him too. I understand that is in the past and I am so glad that I can move on. He was a big part of my life but now other things must take priority. I let it go, my judgement of him and my pain. I refuse to keep hurting myself, because of my lack of self esteem. I always took everything personally. I did that to myself. I made myself hurt more then anyone else ever could have. I always looked for the worst. Why? What difference does it really make? It happened, it's over and I have grown. I know that I love him and probably always will and that is OK. I love myself and my H and my family more. They are my life now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: jstmekc
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 10:05pm

<<<>>>

Well said KC....and DITTO for me.

((((HUGS))))

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
In reply to: jstmekc
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 7:58am

Good morning - I woke up feeling the need to "qualify" last night's quick reaction to this thread.

<<<>>>

BBBBUUUUTTTTT - I recognize the so-called "LOVE" that we share as an unhealthy, temporary need fulfilling placebo - the experience of which has challenged me to learn and grow in a way that I may never have otherwise and that is why I will no longer beat myself up for my error in judgement in allowing myself to indulge in the euphoria of the "feel good" of my quick fix. Having said all this I'm left wondering "what's LOVE got to do with all of this anyway!" It's interesting how the mind wants so desperately to continue to attach the label "love" to the feelings we experienced during our A.

Are you with me on this KC?

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
In reply to: jstmekc
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 8:32am

I am definately with you on this one. There are many kinds of love and I guess in a lot of ways what we did contradicts the meaning of love. What I feel for him now is a lot closer to love then the all consuming obsession that I felt during the A. During an A your whole life gets out of perspective and your thinking becomes warped. Accepting that we both made a big mistake, he is human too, and truly forgiving him has made me able to truly love him. I want him to be happy with his family. I want him to be the best person he can be. Right now that means we won't be in each others lives.

I think the big turning point was when I truly decided to accept the responsibility for my feelings and actions. Instead of reacting I am choosing what I want in my life and it it helping me to grow so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
In reply to: jstmekc
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 3:03pm

jstmekc,

I just wanted to say that your post helped me when I was feeling pretty rotten this morning. The part about "choosing" to be happy and what's in our life - that part has helped a lot. I actually felt an elevated feeling after reading your note that has lasted all day because it gives the power back to ME. I am giving away it away and I can also take it back.

Gosh, this is a long road. Tell me again, how far are you post A again? (seems I remember about 1 year but not sure)

Thanks for writing that post, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
In reply to: jstmekc
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 4:34pm
Feb 17 was the day he called me up and said, "say goodbye" Everytime we had IC he would say this can't happen again. That lasted for 2 years. I had actually taken another job and moved my family 250 miles away in Sept but we still managed to meet up a few times and talked on the phone almost every day. Even when we were just an EA he began warning me how it would be. How I would be hurt, how there are no happy endings, blah, blah, blah. I didn't care. I had no clue. He even made me promise I would always be his friend. Anyways after we started the not calling every day we still talked about once every two weeks and saw each other (no IC) a few times. It has been hard, but I am OK. He often got mad at me saying that I liked to hurt myself and would always take things the wrong way just to make myself feel bad. Maybe he was right and I just refuse to do it anymore. I am not going to be so hard on myself. I am going to be my own best friend. People do things that hurt us because they have their own issues. I was always thinking that if I was this or if I was that....but none of that is true. I am OK just like I am and I am working on being even better! Some days I am trudging along and other days skipping, but I am going forward.