Finally Clearing Some Hurdles
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| Wed, 11-10-2004 - 2:35pm |
Really really long story short – I am single and xMM and I were co-workers. Though xMM got laid off about 5 months into our A we became closer though we saw each other less and less. I didn’t realize how emotionally attached I was to him. He was my best friend – he was everything to me. He was the first man to ever tell me he loved me. He knew everything going on in my life as I did with him. It was if we were married to each other but just lived in separate homes. We talked daily for hours. XMM’s W suspected he was cheating on her but didn’t know with whom. Eventually we were found out and xMM’s W allowed us to remain friends but we couldn’t hide our friendship anymore. We both denied up and down that nothing had ever happened between us. For about a month xMM was hot and cold with me. One minute he was the attentive, caring friend he had always been and the next minute he just wanted me as a booty call. I was a wreck during this time – I didn’t know what was going on. We tried to remain friends but the A started up again but we were discovered again about 1.5 months later. xMM’s W made him choose him or me. He said he really didn't love her but was staying “for the kids”. I couldn’t get it through my thick head that it was over and I kept trying to contact xMM. We finally had an exchange of words and he said nothing that ever happened between us the previous year meant anything to him. He also said that he no longer wanted to deal with me. Ouch.
In the beginning of NC I used to dream of xMM and I somehow ending up together. I felt he really didn’t mean what he said – his W was putting pressure on him. I used to think that I needed closure since I really didn’t get any. I am guilty of the “sending the accidental text message” to see if I got a response, blocking my number so I could hear his voicemail. I fantasized about xMM realizing what a mistake he made and coming back to me. I tried to remain friends with him without the physical contact. You name it I thought of it and believe me I know what it is like. But, I have to say over time (and it did take a long time!) the memories became less frequent. The emotion was no longer associated with the memories. I still think of xMM daily but not like I used to. I used to wonder what he was doing – how his life was going, if he ever thought of me, etc.. Now I figure why does it even matter – I deserve someone better who is there for me 100% of the time.
In some ways I consider the A to be the best lesson of my life and I do not regreat it. I learned how stupid I could be and how bad someone can hurt me. I had days where I was so depressed and felt extremely worthless. Though I have dated a few guys since the ending of the A, I worry that no one will ever care about me again like xMM did. There are definitely the up and down days. I tried to keep busy and threw myself into work but the memories still would find a way back. It is just something that I have had to let go of at my own pace. There have been milestones along the way – hearing “our” song without having to turn it off. Now the song barely fazes me - sure I think of xMM for a few seconds but the thought usually goes away. Getting through “our” birthday’s (we have the same), driving by the places where we used to meet without crying about it, etc..
I basically am posting today to tell everyone here who is just ending their A that is does get better but it is not easy nor does it happen quickly. I believe firmly that everything happens for a reason. I try to use my A as a reason for self exploration. I am trying to find out what makes ME happy and not everyone else I was trying to please.
There is alot of wisdom and advice that can be found on this board. I just wanted to thank everyone on here who helped me in the beginning.

It was great to read your post. I too, am finally accepting my A has ended and I am better off for it. Situation was a little different. I am married, but xOM was/is single. We met through work, though we did not work together. I was the first person he ever said I love you to and the first person he ever felt like he would want to spend the rest of his life with. He ended things with me for various reasons, but the most important was because I was married and he knew I would never leave my H. I truly loved him and the end of our A was devestating for me. I tried to hang on and tried being friends, however, he just wanted me as a booty call. I was constantly getting 2am phone calls when he was leaving the bar. It was difficult to understand how I went from being "the one" to "the one right now".
I have just realized in the last few days that this is no longer something I wish to continue. I'm tired of allowing him to hurt me and use me. I don't really know who he is anymore. It's sad, but it's what needs to be.
Your progress is inspiring. Good luck to you!!
Diva
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IMO, regaining that pre-affair state of mind is impossible. Anyone who is touched by infidelity in whatever manner will have scar tissue somewhere in their heart. After all, we loved and we lost, but exploring unchartered territory was a risk that we should never have taken, eh? Thank you so much for sharing that there is "life" at the end of an affair, and hold your head up high because "YOU CAN!" :)
~True~
Edited 11/10/2004 7:01 pm ET ET by b_true_2_yourself
Some of what you posted soundds a lot like me...single, involved with a MM who isn't ready to leave his kids. Our relationship was pretty superficial, now that I look back on it. I tried ending it at least four times, but somehow we'd get back together.
He told me he loved me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. He even said our "relationship" (quotes mine) wasn't even based on sex, since we hadn't even gone that far (at that time.) Definitely an emotional affair.
I've been pretty good at maintaining NC (except for a couple of weeks ago when we ended up at the same training event) He said he'd call me, but I told him not to. I returned an e-mail he'd written that night and told him basically to let me go, we'd never be together happily as long as he stayed in his marriage. I could not bear being "just friends" with him and told him so.
So, I too have tried to move on and I feel that any person I date will never live up to what the xMM was. I try to put him out of my mind. He's not the first MM I've ever hooked up with, I'm ashamed to admit, but he by far has been the most difficult to get over.
Time marches on. I actually look forward to the passing of time, as it puts more distance between him and me. Some day I hope to think of him less and less.
Thanks for sharing your story.
best of everything to you...
grace
Your post was very inspiring. I guess time heals all wounds. I remember saying that when my A first ended and I can't believe I made it through all the days since then, they were so hard. But now it has been a long time.
For me, like you, it has taken a long time--I am happy to hear that I'm not the only one. When I was in IC I asked my therapist why XMM was in my head all day and why my XH was not. He said I was extremely *attached* to XMM and not to my XH. I think the attachment is really hard to break and you don't realize how strong it is until you try to break it. It has been just as difficult for XMM to break his attachment for me (what he has told me every time we have contact)
But I have to say that the attachment is breaking. I remember he would say that he could *feel* me loving him from a distance when we had long periods of NC, and some days I could *feel* him loving me too. And HOLDING ON. But now, I hope he can feel me *letting go* because I am. The love is still there, but not the holding on. It is really hard to let go because at first you think it is a BETRAYAL of the love you believed you had with each other. Now I realize it is not a BETRAYAL, that letting go is actually AN ACT OF HIGHER LOVE. I think XMM realizes this too.
I don't long to see XMM anymore like I used to. I know where the contact goes--just to a no win situation. I know he is out there alive in the world, I can still feel his presence and who he is, but I don't need to be with him. It is enough to just know he's there. I am not desperate for him anymore. I have accepted the loss. IT TAKES A LONG LONG TIME. But eventually it happens.
I don't need to see him today, or tomorrow or next month or next year but if I ever do see him again I wil not be the OW. I will be a woman of integrity, honor, self respect, morals and values, righteous, and good and kind. I will BE ONCE AGAIN THE WOMAN HE FIRST FELL IN LOVE WITH. But for me--not for him. And he won't have a hold on me. I will have carried on with my life and survived and I will value myself.
We won't be the same after the A. But we can be the women we want to be again if we choose to. Staying in contact with him and staying in this no win A situation just will not allow me to be that person that I want to be. So I have to let it go.
Survive