FINALLY, I have ended my Affair.
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FINALLY, I have ended my Affair.
| Fri, 12-03-2004 - 3:45pm |
Wanted to post this..to give hope to all those whom have tried to end their affairs, only to "cave" and go back..or end it and feel like they will be sad for years to come.
I "ended" my 2 year and 3 month affair, 5 times.
The first 4 times...each time, I went back. I contacted him (never him me) and went back to the same crappy, stressful, frustrating situation I was in before. I never went back thinking he would "change"..I simply went back because I missed him (not the "affair").
I cannot explain what has happened, but the 5th was the end. I ended it, and will never, ever contact him again. (I believe n/c is the only way to go btw.)
I don't even know how I can be so.....indifferent now..I barely even think of him...and I don't miss him much..moreless the stress of the affair, how he treated me. I guess what I am saying..is until you reach that wall one day (hopefully you will)..you will never truly be able to end it or let him go in your mind or heart. The other 4 times I ended it..it was never really over becuase I was sad and despressed, and at times....thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown it was so bad. I feel so relieved and relaxed, because this time, I don't have any of these feelings, this is how I know, its over. I am so grateful my life is back to normal now..I was in such fear of being "attached" to this man for the rest of my life....I was miserable during the affair (self esteem, confidence, etc took a major downfall), and I was miserable each time I ended it..I did not want to live a life this way. I feel like I have my life back. I hope and wish this for all of you and that you don't have to live with any more sadness or emptyness that this man has put on you.
I "ended" my 2 year and 3 month affair, 5 times.
The first 4 times...each time, I went back. I contacted him (never him me) and went back to the same crappy, stressful, frustrating situation I was in before. I never went back thinking he would "change"..I simply went back because I missed him (not the "affair").
I cannot explain what has happened, but the 5th was the end. I ended it, and will never, ever contact him again. (I believe n/c is the only way to go btw.)
I don't even know how I can be so.....indifferent now..I barely even think of him...and I don't miss him much..moreless the stress of the affair, how he treated me. I guess what I am saying..is until you reach that wall one day (hopefully you will)..you will never truly be able to end it or let him go in your mind or heart. The other 4 times I ended it..it was never really over becuase I was sad and despressed, and at times....thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown it was so bad. I feel so relieved and relaxed, because this time, I don't have any of these feelings, this is how I know, its over. I am so grateful my life is back to normal now..I was in such fear of being "attached" to this man for the rest of my life....I was miserable during the affair (self esteem, confidence, etc took a major downfall), and I was miserable each time I ended it..I did not want to live a life this way. I feel like I have my life back. I hope and wish this for all of you and that you don't have to live with any more sadness or emptyness that this man has put on you.

Mandy thank you so much for posting this today.
Then I just said...I cannot do this anymore sort of out of blue...I said I am logging off msn..and never going back on again...I blocked him right there...done....
That night..I went home a bit unnerved..next day...was odd...I was fine....day after...fine.....week after...still fine...week 2..even better....I just hit that wall.
I was in such stress for over 2 years...seeing this guy...a couple of hours a month for sex..was just not worth it..it all just sort of hit me..I did not want this to continue for years and years...I have an entire life to live!
I am sure he still thinks that one day I will email and "beg" for him back...like the other times...LOL he is going to be waiting a long time for that..I take solice in this! What I can say is this...I do miss him for sure (the attraction was amazing and most likely will always be there), but I do not miss the "affair", not one single bit...and that is all we were ever going to be. A normal "affair" would have been completely different, but this man was not capable of a normal "Affair". I no longer want any part of his type of affair...never did actually..I just stayed cause of the attraction and the addiction..not the "affair". There is no separating "HIM" and the "AFFAIR", unfortunately - I could not have both.
"I ended it...during a regular...oh..weekly fight..about the same old things...his indifference, his not caring for me like I thought he should..me feeling like a hooker, etc...etc..."
I'm sorry but I laughed out loud when I read this. Could have written it myself. ;) That is exactly how my A was.
I am not sure what you mean about a *normal* A. I am getting the feeling from what others are writing that this IS normal! Scary huh? Hard to believe it went on as long as it did. *sighs*
Anyway, Kudo's to you! :)
*hugs*
Someday
I dont' think there is any normal affair..but I really think mine was very disfuctional for sure and very whacked and more "sexually" based than most....seemed worse than most from my readings.......if all of you knew what I did for this man....you would all think "wow...and I though I was crazy?, this girl makes me look normal!"...
To give you all some examples...wholly cow...if we got into fights...I would say sorry and apologize each time..which was whacked because he was always the root problem of our issues. I would woo this guy almost every day...tell him how great he was and gorgeous, etc. etc...meanwhile I would get back sexual comments like "you have a nice p****:...nice..just what every gal wants to hear right?? LOL..and when I would say to him he never says things that make me feel good..he would defend himself and remind me of the things he says to me...sexual comments..nice...what an idiot. He knew I was in love with him...he flat out told me one day (I asked) he did not love me. And often several times after that, he would say "I care for you but not as much as you do for me"..NICE. Talk about NO class...some things..you just don't say and this man never understood that..a classy man would.
I went on line...and found a woman to "be with"...for him...I wanted to try the experience, to impress him...was not really big on it..but again..I did this for him...(I was alone with her and then told him about it after, in detail).
I would buy new outfits, all the time...for almost every meeting with him (weekly or biweekly)....I was constantly buying clothing, undies, makeup, (even sex toys for us, which I had to keep in my locker) whatever, for him..to get his attention..impress him......worse..I would buy him gifts and send him thoughful cards on line too...at Christmas....I didn't even get a Christmas Card from him..not even a free online one...I finally did on my bday..but only because I made him feel so bad about christmas, I am sure this is the only reason.
OMG I was such a fool. STUPID STUPID STUPID! Its almost laughable now! I could go on forever about the things I did....
Jazzdiva
OH there is a part of me that wishes I could do something.....I have ALOT of ammo...in my thoughts...I have many goodies..but I would never act on any. Although he hurt me alot..I do care for this man and would never hurt him back, or anyone, the way he hurt me, nor put his family at risk. But the thoughts are funny to think about ! LOL.
Here's a great one you will all love....one day...over a year ago..I was chatting on msn with him..near the end of the day...we are in the middle of a conversation...and all of a sudden he is offline..I think perhaps he had a network issue, whatever...so I waited patiently for him to come right back on..I am off at 5..so I waited until about 5:20 (got cut about 4:50)...well..no word..so finally..I call his cell phone and asked what happened..he said that he had network issues..got cut then packed up his pc and went home (he was in his car when I called)..I told him I was waiting..and he could of atleast picked up the phone to tell me he was not coming back on..want to know what he said? He said he FORGOT he had been talking to me on msn....OMG..... I was sitting there for 1/2 hour waiting to finish our conversation..he FORGOT we were having one...OMG.
OH Mandy! You are so making me laugh today! Thank you! :)
I was the same way, bent over backwards for OM. (I admit I was the same exact way with my H in our early years).
The thing was, I realized (finally!) that my OM was just as selfish and self centered as my H! What in gods name was I thinking?
Obviously I wasn't. :p
Actually I will admit, I learned a thing or two in the process. So it wasn't a total loss. It forced me to look at myself and what I was doing in my life to contribute to my M difficulties. One of which was I was so darn co-dependent. And I am working on that now. So things have a way of working out, ya know? :)
*hugs*
Someday
Mandy, Mandy, Mandy,
I am also laughing because I think your XMM and mine were made from the same mold. Only difference is that he did tell me he loved me but I think that was just to keep me hooked. I too have done the "waiting for him to come back online thing" only to find that he got side tracked and forgot.
I totally agree that you really do have to be ready in your mind AND in your heart to end it. I tried to end it many times over the years but only because I knew it was the right thing to do and it was not what I wanted in my heart. Like you, this time was different. I realized that I have allowed this man to manipulate and control me. I decided that my family and my self respect simply was not worth the trade off of really good sex once every 4-12 weeks and being treated like crap in between.
I posted earlier that we have had a few online conversations this last week and I think some would say that is a no no, but remarkably I had no feelings for him, good or bad during the conversation. I felt like I could take it or leave it (talking to him that is). It's been 3 months for me, I don't know how long it's been for you but do expect to have a set back every now and then, just push through it and remember to move forward. Keep that great sense of humor, doesn't it feel great to be at the point where we can look back and laugh at ourselves and not feel the horrible pain? Good luck! Keep us posted and be strong when he contacts you, he WILL at some point.
Hugs!
CG
Hi Mandy,
I am only Four weeks out an affair that lasted 2 years. I would break end it, and then go back so many times it's no wonder he didn't believe that I'd walk the final time. I too thought i would have a nervous breakdown, but I can tell you... the pain of leaving is nowhere near the pain of staying. In the beginning we'd meet pretty regularly at the Plaza or some other 5 star hotel in NYC. We'd have drinks (yep, right out there in the open) and dinner. No problem. As with all affairs it starts of oh so exciting. I became addicted to him but I hated myself. By the time our affair ended it was Holiday Inns, sandwhiches and wine in a plastic cup.
I don't know what you mean by normal...but I know my affair was not normal either. Not long after we met, he suggested swinging, and this is where the real insantity started. I cannot tell you how participating in this activity with a married man devestated my sense of self and mental health. To watch the man that you love (who has a wife that he has no intention of leaving)flirt and have sex with another woman will send you into a hell that you have never known before and will never know again.
I would end it...and he'd call and spend hours convincing me that he loved me, needed me..that the other women meant nothing except sex, and the vicious cycle would start all over again. The actions never matched the words though. Eventually I realized that he was a sex addict, but even with that knowledge I believed I could control the situation. Never happen. I was his whore and nothing more. His addiction spriraled and so did his online activities. He'd make up some lie, turn off his phone and go MIA. I knew! he was with another woman...I would lose my mind...I became obsessed...I thought I was losing my mind. I was.
In the end,I'd had enough...and he knew it. I decided I had to get out of the madness and stop the dance.
One day Four weeks we just stop speaking. No goodbye...no closure. A week later I recieved an email message notifiying me that there was a message for me waiting in a very, very long dormant personal ad that I had never deleted. I did not have a photo posted nor was there any information identifying that it was me. Sure enough, it was him...I knew it was him because he had the audacity to use the first five letters of his last name as his profile name. The note read: I'd like to get to know you better-write back. I replied telling him to send a picture. He did. It was a photo of him with half! my face cropped out. I never responded. We're done.
He's tried to call twice this week... I did't pick up. There's nothing to say anymore. I'm trying to heal and I'm determinded to become whole again.
Witzend
Mandy wrote:
>>>>I would buy new outfits, all the time...for almost every meeting with him (weekly or biweekly)....I was constantly buying clothing, undies, makeup, (even sex toys for us, which I had to keep in my locker) whatever, for him..to get his attention..impress him......worse..I would buy him gifts and send him thoughful cards on line too...at Christmas....I didn't even get a Christmas Card from him..not even a free online one...I finally did on my bday..but only because I made him feel so bad about christmas, I am sure this is the only reason.
OMG I was such a fool. STUPID STUPID STUPID! Its almost laughable now! I could go on forever about the things I did....>>>>
Girlfriend...I did it all this and more. It's called codependency. Don't be hard on yourself...I try not to be. I'm in recovery now and I am still grieving for abandoning my self and work on why I let someone treat me as an object in the first place. Maybe we were seeing the same guy?
Witzend