Finally I see the affair for what it was

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Finally I see the affair for what it was
2
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 2:52pm
Hang in there. Eventually, you will see him for who he really is. Just ended a 12 yr affair and I finally saw my XMM for who he really was...he also laughed like someone's else's XMM and thought it was a joke. We had been seeing each other for 12 yrs and when his W found out in Oct 03' he ended it, in the blink of an eye.... well, around Thanksgiving, he said he left home because he could not stand being without me, I fell for the lies he told me, we meet, had great sex, and then...boom.... in the blink of an eye, the very next day, he ended it again...

NC until...

Fast forward to Jan 04', we meet for 4 hours and talked about the past 12 years we were together, we cried, we laughed, (no sex this time, I wasn't going there again I told myself), we left and started home. XMM pulled to the side of the road, got of truck and walked to my car and had the strangest look on his face. His W had found out he was talking to me again and had moved all of his belongings out of the house.

His W did file for divorce and moved his belongings out of the house. From the first week of Jan to Valentine's Day, we saw and talked to each other daily. However, I just could not open my heart up back to him. I thought I was going to die the first 2 times he told me it was over. I was hurt so bad mentally, physically and emotionally. He kept insisting he loved me; he was doing this all for me...(he could not see that he did not do this all for me, she kicked him out). When I brought up this fact, he would laugh and say, "Well, he knew he when she found out that he was talking to me that he knew what she would do". Delusional.

Valentine's Day. We went out of town for the night. He kept making remarks to me on the way where we were going that "he didn't ever think he could have me". I asked him what he meant by "having me?". He could not answer what he meant by "having me." I told him if he thought he was going to own me like he had treated his wife, he was sadly mistaken. She cooked, cleaned, his home, his offices, she jumped to his every command, she was his slave and I wasn't going there, ever. They have been married 38 yrs and he started cheating after the 1st 6 months, if that tells you anything about this man. We went out to dinner. At dinner, he told me that I needed to get my fat ass to the gym and start working out. I knew then I had made a huge mistake by joining him back in his game playing. By no means am I fat, I am 40 yrs old, married 23 yrs, I wear a size 7 and look pretty darn good. XMM is 57 and finding it hard to accept his aging body. Well, after dinner we went dancing.

I don’t know whether it was the booze, the state of mind or what but things got really ugly. We caught a taxi back to the hotel. We get in the room and he pushed me. Wrong move, so I start going off on him. I told him to go back to his W, that I didn't love him anymore, we were through. He grabbed my arm and told me to shut up. I told him to let go. He starts swinging me around and telling me to shut up. So as soon as he lets go, I go to the hotel phone and call the operator and tell her to call the police. Well, he runs over to me, pushes the dial tone button which hangs up the operator, grabs the receiver to the phone and it hits me in the eye. It about knocked me out.

Next thing I did was call my H on my cell phone and ask him to come get me. God, it wasn't an easy thing to do. As I was asking him to come get me, XMM ask me who I was talking to and out of anger, I said I was talking to his W. Well, that must have really pissed him off because he yanked my arm so hard that I thought it was going to break. I start screaming to my H to call the police. I go to the hotel phone, get the operator again and tell her to please get the police there; she said they were on their way up.

The police, the paramedics.... next the police took XMM out in the hall, of course he told them I went psycho. Didn't matter to me anymore what he said or thought. I didn't press charges, told the police I just wanted him out of my life. Told the paramedics I didn't want to go to the hospital. Two hours later, my H ask the front desk call the room. He was there to take me home.

The next morning, I woke with a black eye and a bruise that covered a 5x4 inch area between my elbow and my shoulder and many other bruises on my arms. I took pictures so XMM could not say that the event didn't happen.

He called me 5 days later to tell me that he just didn't know about us, he didn't think he could ever trust me again. That anytime we got into an "argument" that I might call the police. I told him; well let me send you some pictures so that you know why I called the police.

Next day when he called, I ask him did he see the pictures. He said, yes he did and told me that I just bruise too easily. I knew at that moment, I was not crazy.... he is a very sick person. A person I no longer knew.

I don't hate him, I don't love him either...I do not feel anything for him. Nothing. I don't wish him harm, nor do I wish him happiness. I don't know how to explain it, but have I prayed and prayed for God to take this man out of my mind and help me get on with my life. I know the one thing different this time in the relationship being over was that I shed no tears. Not once have I felt sad.

I do however feel relieved, I feel my shoulders starting to relax, I feel my face start to un-tighten, and I feel like smiling again. I feel a huge burden lifted after 12 years of living a secret. I feel free of the lies.

Will I still think of him...I do and I am sure I will at times? Will I still crave the intimacy we shared...I am sure I will at times.

So what's different this time? I told my H, my 21 yr old son and 15 yr old daughter the whole story. They saw the bruises, the black eye and you know what, they still love me and forgive me for the 12-year affair. So I get a second chance and I just pray I don't screw it up this time. Hopefully, the next 12 years of my daughter’s life, she will be able to look back at it differently.

Lillsilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 5:13pm
Wow, lillsilly! I'm sorry and "happy" at the same time....not happy that you went through this but at least that you saw his "true" colors. If he did this to you, can you even imagine what his wife went through for 38 years? That is some story...and yes, you are very lucky that you have a family that loves you and now the healing can begin. These things are never what they appear to be at the beginning, are they?

Big hugs...and I hope you have healed well.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 5:52pm
Hi, I'm sorry to read of your turmoil. I wish you nothing but the best with your new beginning, with your family and your life. Tell them everyday how much you love them and thank God for that second chance he gave you.

Take care. :)