Finally letting go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Finally letting go...
7
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 5:37pm
So I haven't posted anything in awhile - mainly because this last week has been pretty rough and I didn't want to get blasted, but, here goes...

If you read my earlier posts from last weekend, you know XOM didn't show up at my performance Saturday night. Anyway, I was a little irritated (though I should have been glad) and ended up leaving him a few not so nice messages on his VM (after a few beers) that night. No response. I called again Sunday. He called back a few hours later but did not leave a message. I called again Monday (twice - I know, can we say DESPERATE). No response. At this point I was more worried than angry, seeing as how he always calls me back, even if he is pissed off at me.

I left one more message Tuesday morning. 6:45pm that night, he called back. I asked what happened to him Saturday night, "We didn't have plans" was his answer. Oooookkkkk. He said he ended up going out with his friend and getting drunk. WHATEVER! Then he proceeded to tell me that women don't really want a nice guy - they want an a@@hole. Obviously I did, because I was still calling him.

I got off the phone and went "WOW", he's right. What the hell is wrong with me? Anyway, after driving around (and crying a bit) I realized that I don't want this anymore. I no longer know who XOM is. He certainly isn't the man I fell in love with - and whoever he is now is someone I don't even want to associate with. I feel good today - knowing that I have FINALLY made the decision to move on, to let go and to get on with my life.

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 12:02pm
Diva-

I am very proud of you. You do sound likethis is really what you want. Its funny but I found myself thinking about you this weekend and if he was going to your show or not. Its good to have others to talk to and share with.

I think you are doing a great thing. Let him move on and don't give him the satisafaction of accepting his 2am calls anymore. I personally feel he will call you someday again. I know you don't want to hear that - but its true and you have to be mentally stron to not pick up the phone or if you do make him feel like he has made you feel. ASk what he wants and say you don't have time to talk to him anymore and hang up. You know what he wants during those late night calls. I know it hurts that he is resorting to the sex buddy routine but that's all he has now and he can't harp on you anymore bc you won't leave your husband. He is making himself feel better by hurting you and making you feel that that is all he wants from you. JMO

Good luck with NC and I only hope I can reach that some day. You know my situation and I just can't get over the last call I made and he didn't want to talk to me. 7 weeks for and trying to hol strong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:07pm
Thanks for the support Merehud! I know you have been going through a really rough time too.

XOM and I spoke (well, yelled) yesterday. It was pretty ugly. I'm not sure either one of us will ever call the other one again. I too had a fleeting thought this morning that maybe someday, for some reason, he may call. I just hope, if he does, that it is after I have had some time with NC and am at a place where I feel I can just shut him out. I erased his # from my cell phone. Of course I know it by heart, but I felt it was symbolic.

Trust me, breaking NC doesn't get you anywhere. Now I need to start all over again. It hurts and it's hard. I drove home crying and listening to one of 'our songs', but I feel better today and know that this truly is the right thing to do. I, like you, wish it didn't have to end on an ugly note, but I think sometimes that is the only way. Thanks again for your support and strength.

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 2:30pm
Hi diva,

I understand completely about the symbolic thing with the cell phone. I took off the jewelry he gave me. He'd given me a toe ring that looked like 2 people intertwined back in March. He put it on my toe and I'd never taken it off until last week. He had given me a diamond ring and matching earrings for my birthday in June. Wore them everyday since until last week. Gave him back some of his things that I had. Too hard to keep. I think the symbolic thing helps! I haven't deleted his number from my phone yet, hadn't really thought about that, guess that's next.

Hang in there!

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 3:02pm
Susie,

The symbolic stuff is hard, but I found it really does help. xOM had a special ringer on my phone (ironic - it was Disease by Matcbox 20) and so now I don't find myself jumping everytime my phone rings.

I too have some of xOM's belongings still - I don't want to throw them out (they are things he would want back) but now that he changed jobs and is moving, I'm not sure how to get them back to him w/o contact. For now, I will let them continue to sit in my garage and collect dust!

Good luck!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 6:02pm


Hi diva,

It is extremely hard. Of all of the things, the toe ring was the hardest to take off. I would have kept it on if there was some sort of a semblance of a relationship/friendship but there isn't anymore and it hurt my heart every time I looked at it. Was easier to just put it away. Not sure I'll ever be able to wear it again. The other things I'm sure I will wear later, just too hard right now. I had a pair of his boxer shorts that I used to sleep in. Was comforting for me to wear them when we weren't together. Became extremely hard for me and I gave them back Friday afternoon.

I feel so consumed by all of this, why do we care so much what they think?

sc

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 8:05pm
Wow - there's a tough question :-) I don't know why we care so much. I changed alot towards the end of the A. xOM was the one chasing me, calling me, emailing me, telling me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. Then he freaked out. Said he got scared of the feelings he was having (he had never said I love you to anyone before me - never thought of marriage with anyone before me). But he knew 'we' would never work. He knew I how much I loved my H and what a great life I had. So he started to pull away - which freaked me out - and I started to get clingy and needy (which was SO unattractive!). I hate the fact that he probably thinks of me that way, but I hope someday he will remember the good times and look back on it with fondness rather than regret. We can't change the past, but we can learn from it.

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 11:37am
Hi Diva,

It's always seems like a kind of tug of war doesn't it? We were trying to clear the air

I emailed him last Friday and it seemed to work. We discussed at least being cordial to each other, at least at work anyway. My son and I just happened to see him in his truck this weekend, was a fluke thing. Would never happen again in a million years like that. Anyhow, he waved but didn't stop and he could have. Made me mad and I emailed him about

hurting my sons feelings by him not stopping. Acted like he didn't even care. I know he

did though and on top of that he's questioning my friends about me now. She didn't tell me but one of the guys I work with is very loyal to me and tells me everytime he comes over, who am I kidding? I know he's asking her about me. She lied and said she hadn't talked to him since we split up. Needless to say I'm being very careful these days about what I say and do.

sc