Finally Over....now bring on the stress and anxiety.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
Finally Over....now bring on the stress and anxiety.
6
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 11:29pm

It started 4 years ago this month...I was married and found out my H had been having an affair....he was married and his marriage was sexless. I needed to build self esteem and well he needed sex. We went to high school together, we went to college together and then ended up working together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 11:51pm
N4H
Welcome to the board - Weekends are pretty quiet around here and I wanted to take a moment knowing you are anxious about tomorrow and let you know that you CAN do this.

YOu say a few things that make me worry about where you are in ending. I say this because it doesn't sound like you have ended , simply that right now in the midst of a dDay - the affair has ended - but your attachment to it is still there.

you say "It is not if you get caught....it is when you get caught." This statement is not true - some NEVER get caught. getting caught IS NOT what matters.

you say "There were no "feelings" between my AP and I, it was a physical thing. It made me feel wanted" Feeling wanted IS feeling. I'm glad that you realize that you're feelings run deeper than just the physical.

I'm trying to put who you are in order - I'm getting that you are newly single? Perhaps just since your hubs outed you? If not - how long have you been single? Do you have custody of your kids?

THis board has a wealth of knowledge for those of us who have to maintain LC (low contact) as opposed to NC (No Contact) - I bet you to read down in the healing library to arm yourself with knowledge on how it CAN be done. My prayers are with you that this is truly over, that YOU are choosing to end it - not because of your dDay, but because it is over.

Much love,
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010

Welcome to EAS, N4H. This is the place for you to put it all out there...to read and post and find the advice and strength you need to get past this very painful period in your life.

First, I hope today goes well for you at work. Do not be surprised if xAP has thrown you under the bus. Once you've had a DDay, most men will do everything in their power to save their marriage--they will deny, say you pursued them, tell their W that the OW meant nothing, etc. So be prepared for that and be prepared that xAP is going to be very cautious around you--which in turn is going to make you feel even worse.

It is very important for you to understand that you are not responsible for this DDay. Please do not take on all these feelings of

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009

HI and welcome-

An A ending is very hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

N4H,

I also work with my Xmm, but we never had a D-day, so I really don't have any earth shattering advice to give you other than now is the time for honesty and accountability. Remember how you felt when you were betrayed, so let this guide your conscience into doing the right thing. You have to tell MM that your A is over and that you will not lie to his W if she comes to you wanting answers. You do not have to seek her out, but she will be very upset that the two of you work together. I am not sure if this puts your job in jeapardy or not, but some XOW's on this board have lost their job due to their workplace A. Do your best to avoid all drama at work right now. The walls have ears, my dear.

The only way you are going to heal from this mess is to hold yourself accountable for you part in all of it. If you are feeling shame now, multiply this ten fold if you deny there ever was an A. You talk about having to grow up when raising 2 teenagers...oh hell yes, BTDT with 3. Sadly though, having to act responsibly as a parent did not carry over into behaving responsibly in other areas. Affairs depict selfish and immature behavior, and when we indulge in one, we obviously have some deeper issues that need to be addressed.

Please let us know how we can support you through this painful time, but also remember this is an Endings Board, so you will have to tell MM that you are done with your A. It's going to be a rough ride for a while, but others before you have made it out, and you can too.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

Hi not4him,

Welcome to the board.