? Finding Happiness after ending it

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
? Finding Happiness after ending it
9
Mon, 10-11-2010 - 5:55am

I've read more material on taking control of my life and much from the library here. What I have come away with is :

I need to find what makes me happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Mon, 10-11-2010 - 9:46am

Wow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Mon, 10-11-2010 - 10:36am

nolove, I think you are asking a question that many people ask, but never get an answer or at least never get what they think is the answer. Happiness is an elusive "thing".

For me I was never truly happy during the affair. We all know the misery, the highs and lows. I had never worked during my marriage, but a few years before my affair I accidently fell into a business. My work revealed my true passion and with that I found great reward and satisfaction. I loved it and it showed. Eventually I had to leave the business, it was taking too much of myself away from my family and because I loved my work so much, I became consumed with it. I knew it and had to get out. What I didn't realize was how important that work was to me and my self esteem. About one year later, I found xAP and the affair. Looking back, I sort of think I was replacing my work with the affair.

So, after the affair was over (thank goodness) I once again felt empty. I spiraled down and really felt empty. I knew it and realized I needed more in my life and for a long time thought about what I wanted. The amazing thing is just taking that time to think, understand myself and get comfortable with myself, provided me with a sense of happiness and acceptance I hadn't had in a long time. I found ways to enjoy what I loved so much about my past work. I just let "me" grow - make sense? Now, I do for myself more than I ever did. Of course I can do that now, my children are almost grown. My happiness grew from acceptance, finding peace and

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Mon, 10-11-2010 - 11:13am

Hi nolove -

I don't think I've welcomed you to our community yet :smileyhappy:

I think before we can find what makes us happy, we have to be patient and heal our hearts and souls. I am struggling right now big time and I'm a Tweener. The whole time I was getting through each day, working toward that 3 month mark, I thought that something magically would happen and I'd be happy all of a sudden once I became a Tweener. Life doesn't work that way unfortunately. I had not one, but two sucker punches last week. I learned that one of XAP's kids received an award. I also heard that his son's wife is expecting a child. Since no one knows about us, and we travel in the same business circles, I've had to endure "gossip" such as this before, but this one was as if someone reached in and ripped my heart out. I smiled and said "that's great!" I'm struggling to recover. The main reason XAP wouldn't leave was because of his kids. I used to think to myself that if he didn't leave before grandchildren came along, he never would. I'm facing the closed door now.

But I'm realizing more than ever that my happiness is up to me. I'm not happy right now, not even a little bit. I have to settle for just being OK right now. I have so much love that I wanted to give XAP. A dear cyber friend told me that I have to look at it this way: even though I'm alone right now, with no one to give this love to, I'm not wasting it on someone who doesn't deserve it. I'm "storing it up" for an available man that will give me the same love in return.

I don't know if this has helped you nolove - just try to focus on healing first, and trust that happiness will follow.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Mon, 10-11-2010 - 11:41am

Thank you for the replies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 11:08am

nolove, I think we need to give ourselves time to heal, grieve the loss, feel the emptiness, then acceptance of it all will come and we will feel happiness again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 2:58pm

nolove,

Be loving, forgiving, patient and kind to yourself right now.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 3:04pm

NS-

This is a really good response and I'm particularly happy to read it today.

Thank you,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 3:13pm
Thank D! Hope your Mom, you and the family are doing as well as can they can be today. Take care of yourself today and everyday, your family needs you and so does EAS! Big HUG to you today!
BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Tue, 10-12-2010 - 5:40pm

New Season, thanks for the really great reply.