Finding peace again :)
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| Wed, 05-12-2010 - 10:22pm |
I cant believe it. Ive actually made some progress and come to some hard realizations.
The first and foremost is that HE DIDNT LOVE ME. And those of you who are going through the same thing, know this, he doesnt love you either.
I read the messages and heard the stories, but even though the words were the same, the way he said them to me and what they meant to me were different. He didnt love her, he loved me.
I was wrong.
It has taken me a couple of months to realize this, and I still cry, but I feel free know ing th truth.
I made up the exscuses. He told me that the picture of him holding his wife was fake and that he was really thinking of me as he held her and kissed her neck.
Or when he kissed her in front of me and then later said that he had to do it because she was suspicious and that would ease her heart (and break mine) he even said that he tilted his head ever so slightly so that she had a perfect view of me rounding the corner and he knew that my reaction wouldnt give anything away.
He cried and punched trees and walls and yelled when I told him that I couldnt handle this. He said that his wife should wish that he loved her as much as he loved me.
and when he looked me in the eyes and said that he made a vow to her, though he loved me, he had a moral obligation to her, I told him that I was done.
I told him that I am tired of being emotionally unavailable for him. I told him that he obviously loved her because he stayed and what kind of morals does he have sleeping wiht her behind her back.
I told him that it was selfish of him to not fully commit himself to her and to constantly pull me back in when he knew I was trying to step away.
Then, he would put me on speaker phone or not respond to my emotional messages adn I realized, he is setting me up. I have great friends. They didnt sugar coat anything and caused me to look at him and the situation and see, really see, how this was going to play out.
If this came out, it was I who would look like the homewrecker because everuythign he did, was in person. It was I who he put on speaker phone so that they could hear me ranting and raving about a situation they didnt understand, but he did fully. It was I he was trying to discredit in front of his wife and family. He was setting the foundation,a nd wi was helping him build the posts.
When I realized it. I didnt cry. I told him that I was done. I was going to fully commit myself to a man whom I had been talkign to but hadnt settled with because i didnt wnt to hurt him. I had to be ready. And somehow, after him doing all these things to me, I realized I was ready to let him go emotionally and be fully open to someone who was really wonderful to me.
i am so glad I did. I had dated before, but this guy was different. Letting the husband go and fully letting myself be with someone who was single and just amazing reminded me of what i was missing. It really made me think about how i had settled and let myself fall for someone who wasnt worthy of me. I saw how my self esteem was directly related to be the other woman and how much bull i put up with.
I havent looked back. I told the husband many times,that wh3en i committed myself to someone, I dont cheat. I may have moral issues with being the other woman, but i didnt make the promise nor the vows. I was single. Now, that I am not, I have made a promise to this guy and thta promise will nto be broken. I am so happy. I am at peace and i can feel the difference in being wtih someone that cherishes me and shows it through his actions.
He is now with me at all my events and the husband, I dont even see him or think about him. It is crazy. i have absolutely no desire to see him or talk to him. we are still on teh same committee but i make it a point to not talk directly to him and any time we have a function, my bf is by my side. This holds me accountable and doesnt give the husband the opportunity to try to wiggle himself back in.
I cant do no contact completley, but i am cutting him out of all nec essary points in my life and I feel so free. I guess now that i see what a healthy relationship is, it has allowed me to see what a jaded that one was.
Like my friends told me, and I say do this, stop making exscuses. see him for what he really is. Look in the mirror and repeat that love doesnt love like this. love is not painful and doesnt hide. He was selfish. He is only looking out for himself, and if this came to light, what would he say? would he protect you or would he protect his wife and family and in the process throw you udner the bus.
I know it hurts but it is so necessary. Finding the strenght to leave is when I got the best blessing and met someone who is awesome. I would have misse dout on so much pining for this guy I could never had. That is what they want. They dont want you to be happy. No matter how much it hurts. I am so glad he kissed her, and did all those things because if he hadnt, i would have still hoped he loved me more and those words he said were true, but his ACTIONS said exactly how he felt about me.
these guys want us to be weak and frozin in our love for them. they exploit our love and they def dont deserve it. Most importantly, there will never, ever be a future with a liar and a foundation built on sand. Never. Know this. Embrace this. Cry over this. But leave it. Life is too short to not find a man that adores YOU, worships You, and wants ONLY you, forever.
Oh, and one last thing. They do try to come back and evoke a response. Dont give in. Dont respond. Just remember this quote:
"Silence is eloquent, Silence is dignified, Silence is heard."
Good luck!

Hi AAE!
I'm so glad you've seen the true color of
Wow...just totally and simply...wow!
You are amazing. This post is amazing and
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.