First day after break up
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| Fri, 06-17-2005 - 10:20am |
This is day one. I woke up yesterday to a message about not being able to get together because wife was home. At that moment it hit me. This is not normal, I want to be able to wake up in the morning and have someone that can come over and pick me up and go somewhere rather than having to hide and sneak. Why should he squeeze me into his life and then go home to someone else?
Today was hard, I woke up tired after taking a sleepy pill last night and I have no motivation to exercise. It's raining out and there's no sun. The kids get out of school in an hour and we're heading to the camp I rented where it's also cold and rainy so we're cooped up inside. God nothing is going right.
To top it all off my girlfriends don't want to talk this morning. They have their lives. One of my friend's listened to me yesterday and then went on to say how much she loves her BF and how he calls her beautiful and how they have amazing sex. How is that supposed to make me feel? I'm even more hurt.
I wish I could just run away but I can't. My kids need me. This vacation has been so horrible. I always get my doubts when I have time off because that's when I have time to see how dysfunctional my situation really is.
I keep trying to focus on the positives such as being healthy, great job that allows me to be able to support myself and the kids, I own my home. Someone will hopefully see all that as pluses. MOst guys though don't want a 35-year-old single mother as a girlfriend.

Thats not true. It is harder of course but there are men out there in their 40s without kids who want them but don't necessarily want to go thru diapers and dooty. Some men are attracted to a ready made family. Your financial independence is a big plus as well. It is harder out there for us ladies in our 30s, its a reality. But it definitely beats sitting at home on a holiday waiting for a text from MM while he sneaks away from his big family dinner, doesn't it? Every time I feel weak, I remember myself sitting on last Thanksgiving at home alone or on Easter watching MM drive off after our brunch for his big family dinner. I want someone ALL for me and so do you. Nothing can be worse than sharing someone with another woman.
Ivy
Oh yeah. Another woman that is the main breadwinner and whom he has this partnership with. I hear all the time about how he's buying this or that for their vacation home or "we" this or "we" that. blahhhhhh. I feel stupid because when I was married it didn't bother me one bit. Now that I'm single I feel like he expects me to sit alone "on call" for when he gets a chance to see me.
I do have a chance to go out with someone that's single. He's in his late 40's, divorced with grown daughter and a grand daughter!!! The only issue I have is that I haven't been forth coming about how many kids I have. I just said that "the oldest is 14 and the youngest is 7". Scary!!! He'll dump me for sure when he finds out that A) I have 4 kids and B) I wasn't honest.
Thats rough to have to hear about that stuff from MM. What a jerk. I understand. Sometimes exMM would say "my wife" to me and it was like being gutted. He was separated but it still tore through me to hear that and I felt it was insensitive to talk to me like I ws some coworker.
I wouldn't worry about the kids thing - you didnt lie technically. You were just ambigious.
Ivy