first post here! and tip to keep NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
first post here! and tip to keep NC
Thu, 01-27-2005 - 6:03pm

Hello everyone,

I've been lurking for a couple months and want to thank everyone here for the supportive environment and everything I've learned from your experiences. I'm going to share mine in the hope that it helps someone else, and also to try to get this heavy load off my chest. All words of wisdom or advice are appreciated.

I have been in a 3 month affair with a single (well, divorced) OM. I still love my husband (though my actions obviously speak otherwise) and want to have a life and a future together with DH. OM is ten years older than me - the silliest thing about it is that I'm a city girl and he's a southern, outdoors type who looks like an 80s rocker or surfer boy (funny how you can't predict attraction at all). It was a very emotional affair, long distance but were able to visit one another for 3 weekends (risky). I knew it was unhealthy even though it felt great... and I didn't have the strength to break it off.

The situation was complicated (fortunately) by his ex-wife who is still in love with him and quite possessive. She became very upset a month ago about us "dating" (didn't initially know that I was married) and they decided they might try to get back together. She of course demanded that he break it off, and emailed me to let me know that he was planning to do this. I agreed that if they were going to get back together we should break it off (they have kids and a nice family overall) and with my prompting, he did break it off. only to call the next day and say that they weren't getting back together and we ending up talking a lot again on the phone for the past month (old habits die hard). one week ago he just stopped calling (which i felt was for real because it was preceded by tapering calls and him being harder and harder to get a hold of) and I have been pretty philosophical about it, as it is clearly what's best for both of us. i just treated it as a NC period. i haven't tried to call and was handling it okay (except for obvious moping) overall.

today, however, has suddenly been out of control. I've been DYING to call all day, email, whatever, to talk one last time or get 'closure' (any excuse to talk again). even though i know it doesn't change anything, it's for the best and i keep trying to remind myself that i was lucky in the first place to not get caught before it ended. maybe i was secretly hoping he'd call (interestingly, also secretly hoping he wouldn't) and now i recognize that this is it.

Now for my tip - reading through the Betrayed Spouses support board has helped me to at least temporarily refrain from breaking NC. Recognizing what these BS are going through and thinking about possibly putting my DH through that is just an awful realization. this affair does need to end, and I'm getting off easy by him not calling. I just need to stay strong...

thanks for being my refuge in the storm,

Still Learning

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