first post... need some perspective
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| Thu, 01-21-2010 - 6:22pm |
I’ve been reading a bunch of your posts on here, but feel like I need some sense beat into me, so I’ll go ahead and tell my story. Sorry it’s so long.
I’ve had a crush on an executive at my company for 2.5 years now. We just have this amazing chemistry between us, and get along so well. I’m “happily” married, no kids. He’s married (seems happily?) and does have kids. About a year ago we kissed. Then nothing for a while. Then things picked up again last summer, and escalated to the point of several make-out sessions (having sex during the last one). During this time, he would text me all the time, telling me he was thinking about me and seeing what I was up to. We’d hang out every day (long coffee breaks, lunches, etc.), and we’d find ways to kiss at work secretly. It was SO fun and exciting!
We never really talked about what we were doing. To be honest, I think I pursued him initially, although he made all of the first physical moves. I believe him that he’s never done anything like this before, and I think he’s truly a good, moral person. And that would make me the evil seductress who got him to be “bad”. But nevertheless, I’ve developed (or always had) strong feelings for him.
He started scaling back, first with stopping texting so much, then stopping kissing at work, and now we barely hang out alone. But he’s still very friendly with me, and it never seems awkward. He just never talked about why he was moving away from me. Although I guess I could deduce that he feels guilty for doing this, and doesn’t want to risk hurting/losing his family. I guess that would make sense.
And I really love my husband and don’t want to hurt him either, or to feel disconnected from him (which I’ve been feeling more due to feelings for AP). So maybe this is the best case scenario… we still get along well at work, but don’t ruin our lives. Right? But here’s the problem: I feel devastated thinking about how things were, and I just can’t focus. It’s heart-breaking to see him and hear him and not have that same connection with him anymore. And I hate that he never said why… he just slowly backed away.
I can’t quit my job (and other than the hurt I feel from being around him, don’t really want to). I just don’t know how to be happy and focused here. I miss him SO much! And even when the logical side of me says he’s probably doing this due to guilt and responsibility, I can’t help but feel utterly rejected. I’m just so sad. And I’m doing a terrible job of backing away. I keep seeing if he wants to hang out, and then feel super crappy when he doesn’t.
Apparently it’s already over, so you don’t need to tell me to end it. But feel free to tell me I’m a stupid, selfish person who deserves this since I got myself into it… I guess that’s probably true.

Hey Cloudy...I'm pretty new here myself and only on day 5 of NC.
myShadow (cuz surely this isn't the real me)
Cloudy,
Try to not take his pulling back as a personal rejection. Look at it this way: "Do I really think I'm "all that" that this poor lost dude would throw away his family for a few feel ups and hook ups with me?"
Time to now look at yourself and your issues with your husband and marriage. Moreover, look at your own core-issues and figure out why you need the highs and validation of such a cheap and wrong fix.
Consider yourself lucky that this guy is pulling back! If he didn't, you'd be sitting duck -- vulnerable and willing to mess the f*ck out of your life and then dealing with the horrid, long, sorry aftermath of a full-blown affair. Right now, you're playing with firecrackers; if he were not pulling back, you'd be playing with dynamite.
Count your luck stars and move on down the right path or you'll be posting here in a few months with much more serious issues.
Ha. It's like "check yourself before you wreck yourself."
Love and best!
Dee
Hey Cloudy...
Being a MM who was involved with a MW, I want to share something with you. I am just back from the first IC session that I've had since the end of my A (I have been in IC for 4+ years, ironically the same duration of my A).
Tonight, I came to realize that I have never felt good about being a party to an A. I am owning up to the fact that I knowingly and willingly got involved in that, but I know in my heart, that it was never okay for me. We all rationalize it. We all convince ourselves that we needed it. We somehow think it is going to be different for us and that it will be okay. It's not okay. It messed me up, it messed up my W and our M and it messed up my XMW and her M.
I have had a dreaded sense that my XMW has wanted to end this for a while. It has crushed me; made me feel vulnerable and terribly needy. I haven't been able to understand why she was doing this. Afterall, we are giving each other something good and that we need right? Love, affection, attention, sex and all that. Tonight, I came to realize that it is actually me that has been pulling away and becoming more distant from my XMW. I needed it to end, simply because it was never right*. The truth that it's SO HARD to give up the drug. It's so hard to give up the the good stuff. It's so hard to know it's wrong when it feels SO DAMN RIGHT.
So, when I read your story I thought the exact same thing others have told you. RUN. It sounds like your AP is ambivalent, conflicted and maybe even regretful. Good...he should be! You're both M and you will both mess yourselves up. Nothing good will come of it. You did it, it's done, let it be done. Trust that the feelings you have will fade. You aren't stupid; you are human.
If it helps, turn on CNN and watch the latest coverage of the John Edwards affair.
MPV
*Thanks to deeulta, who responded to a post of mine by saying, "Ending an A purely because of the wrongness of the A, irrespective of the feelings for the AP, should be enough". Give that girl an AMEN!
Edited 1/21/2010 10:02 pm ET by malepov
whoop-whoop! Can I get a witness?! Amen.
Malepov, you're a real asset to the board.
Cloudy, I hope you're doing better and please keep posting. xo
(sorry for the egocentric hijack!)
Thank you so much for your replies... this is exactly what I need to be hearing. I know you're all right that it's better this way (of course!) but it just hurts so much to think about how he used to feel about me and the times we had together, and then just have that not be there anymore. I think it would help if I didn't see him everyday, but I do. And I think it's better that we stay friendly... its a small company and I report up to him. And I do really like him too... I don't think he's a jerk for honoring his comitments to his family. It just hurts on the emotional level, no matter how much sense it makes, you know?
Again, I really appreciate your support and wisdom. Good night.
Cloudy,
I'm sorry I wasn't around last evening to welcome you but it looks like the great people here on this board picked up my slack. Everything they said was spot on and all I can add at this point is to say "Welcome to EAS," and please read
~Iddy~
cloudy, yes, it does hurt on an emotional level. You must feel you know this man and now that