First Stage of NC from my OA

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
First Stage of NC from my OA
6
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 8:40am

I am a wreck.

I am a 33 yo m. I am in the very first stage of NC with my OA. The OA was never physical, she live 2000 miles away, but we planned on going to the next step, a physical relationship, in August. The OW was in an unfullfilling marriage.

I am aching.

My OA lasted for 4 months. In a lot of ways, we beat the odds to last. The OW and I talked about leaving our marriages, moving to Virginia, and having a child. We talked several times, daily, hours a day. Emails, IMs, and phone calls. We were part of each others lives.

I still love her.

DW knew most of it the whole time. She confronted me serveral times along the way asking if she has lost me and should she start looking into divorce. This part is uncommon I expect, where the DW, in many ways, loves the DH enough to support him.

I miss her.

I log onto Messenger checking for her, but I know she uninstalled her program. I click check mail every few minutes looking for an email that I know isn't there, so I read the old ones and ball like a baby. I see her phone number posted on my wall and want to call, just to hear her voice.

I am scared.

What's next for me? There are more details that can fill in the gaps, but they won't decribe the ache in my heart. I have not cried like this...ever.

Signed,
Hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 11:25am

hey why,

i know how the pain is, there are no words to describe it, i realy dont know what to say to u but it ok to cry, i too cry a lot, i know u have a headache and all kinds of symptoms, in time it will go away

why did it end? was it her or your decision ?

it is kind of addicting , the attention u get form her, now that the routine is gone, u are having or experiencing seaotion anxiety, how is the relationship between u and your DW, it seems like u have to take care of that first before u can move on, is OW married or single

hang in there, sorry i have no words of advice , i too am in the same situation as u

if u cant sleep take some tylenol pm, it works for me sometimes
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 11:53am

<< i realy dont know what to say to u but it ok to cry, i too cry a lot >>

Yes, I cry for little things. I see a things, or hear something and I am reminded of her. Sometimes it makes me smile for a moment, and then I realize, and break down.

<< know u have a headache and all kinds of symptoms >>

Yes, I do. I have had a slight headache for days. You do know what I am going through if you knew that...

<< why did it end? was it her or your decision? >>

In the end, the OW asked us to go NC. My DW posted about my OA and the OW found it. That got the whole ball rolling. At first, the OW was very upset but after some time realized my DW was a person. That must be part of the affair process, try to not see the other persons spouse as a person. Well, the OW felt my wife's pain and well...it feels awful for me.

<< it is kind of addicting , the attention u get form her, now that the routine is gone >>

Exactly. I have been doing that through the day. At 10:30 AM, that is the average time the OW would IM me with Good Morning and a kiss. At 11:30 PM, that was the time we would often watch Jay Leno together to make it feel like we were together. Yes, we had a routine.

<< how is the relationship between u and your DW >>

My DW love me so much, I cannot quite believe it. I am not saying that our relationship will be perfect overnight, but she is hanging tough. My DW knows I loved this OW, that I am in the most emotional pain I have ever experience in my life. She is worried about my stability. I asked her is there some part of her that is happy about the pain I feel, she said no. That is quite a woman...to love you DH through an OA, love him despite it all, and still love him as he mourns the loss of contact with another woman he desperately loves.

<< it seems like u have to take care of that first before u can move on >>

Yes, I do. But I don't even know what I am doing...I have never been here before. I cannot just stop loving the OW. I cannot stop worrying about her. I cannot stop wishing I could hear about her day. I am lost. I am not sure what the next step is...

<< is OW married or single >>

The OW is married. Her marriage is unfullfilling and she thinks it might be one of the biggest mistakes of her life. I think the OW will be working on getting out of that marriage even with me not there at the end. She has a lot to do on her side.

<< i too am in the same situation as u >>

How recent?

<< if u cant sleep take some tylenol pm >>

I can sleep, but I have to be exhausted and about pass out into bed.

Thanks, Max, if you are like me, you know this really hurts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 12:17pm

hi why,

yes i have or i am still experiencing what u are going thru, its only been 2 weeks and the pain has not let down in any way still, but u have to go on, actually this week is the week im gonna make so small steps to regain my life

i know its still new for u but as far as ur post said, u have a wonderful wife, maybe try to find out what is wrong with your marriage and try to save it if u want to, try counselling

focus yourself on other things, its the long weekend so get out of the house, ill be just doing that soon today, im on the west coast so it still early here, take your wife somewhere, talk to her

i know u keep thinking of OW, its gonna drive u nuts if u keep thinking of her, ido too but for now u have to at least do something to keep ur mind off even for a couple of hours , just not to drive u insane

i have no words of wisdom for a lot of folks here can tell u that NC is the best way to go, i know it does not sound well to u right now but its the only way

i work with OW so canu imagine how hard it is for me everyday to see her and not be able to talk to her anymore, u are lucky that u dont see her and she is far

i say u have to take care of your current situation with your wife, find out what u realy want for yourself , do u want to save M or get divorce

make sure u eat or else your gonna get sick and u dont want that, trust me i been there and it is not a good place to be

take care, go out of the house,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 8:28pm

hey why,

how r u doing ? pls take care of yourself

we are here to listen

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 10:20pm

Hey Max,

Thanks for thinking of me.

Today was tough. Really tough. Just when I thought I was better, something was there to remind me, and I would break down. I guess this is to be the pattern for awhile.

I have started trying to understand what I am thinking. Some is healthy, probably some isn't. In a moment of weakness, I think that I could still be with her, but that is not the right thing.

In moments of clearer thinking, I would like to think I was a net-benefit to her. When I met her, she was down on life in general. By her deciding to go NC, she stood up for herself. That indicates confidence. I told her I thought she was beautiful, often, and I hope that sank in for her, I really did think that. So, I hope she is doing well...

I do have some indirect contact on limited subjects. My DW and the OW swapped stories of our respective DD birthday parties. I know it is very unreasonable to think, but I thought wouldn't it be great if my DW and her could become friends, and I could have the OW back as at least a friend. But, when all is said and done, I don't think the OW and I were meant to be just friends, and if we started talking, eventually, I guess that would become an issue again.

Signed,
Getting By

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 10:54pm

just hang in there, its hard to be friends, if u read some of the other post, NC is the best solution so u can sort out your issues and she can do the same also

if u are meant to be , u will eventually find a solution to be with each other, right now u got to take care of yourself and your marriage and see where u realy want to be

max