The First Test - He Called...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2010
The First Test - He Called...
17
Tue, 05-18-2010 - 9:55am

Good morning wonderful EAS ladies.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 8:50am

KS-


There is absolutely nothing to be jealous of. In the early days of NC, I too was jealous of those women/men who heard from xap. I am 111 days NC today and xap has not tried to contact me and I consider myself one of the lucky ones. He allowed me the space to heal. He respected me enough to leave me alone so that

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 10:42am

KS,

Maybe we need to have a separate thread for this discussion, but here goes.

When my xAP fishes - sure, I get some sorta gratification. Then that feeling makes me feel sick. I realize it is my 'junky self' that's still making her presence known. Having to 'walk' away is harder than you can imagine. And until the split second that you do - you really aren't sure you are going to do it. Then you are overwhelmed with the questions that follow. You are haunted by wanting to know what he wanted. It keeps hope alive when you are working to break through those delusions.

And when he does fish, it is ALL about him. How much he is hurting, how crap his life has become, how hard he is working to be 'well' so that he can figure out how to still be a successful cake-eater and not mess it up. But it is never really this clear, it is all hidden in coded language and so you doubt your sanity. Are you really seeing something or is it all in your head? You want to tell people right away so they can tell you that you're not crazy. But then because no one else was in the A they don't get how something so simple - like - 'hey ' can send you spiraling for the day.

MY H LEFT BECAUSE OF OUR ACTIONS AND HE IS STILL M. WE ARE IN FINANCIAL RUIN BECAUSE OF OUR A AND HE IS NOT. I AM NOW PARENTING CHILDREN THROUGH SEPARATION AND HE IS NOT!!! But it is worse for him. WTF?!

Look at what is happening to you KS? You can't afford to give a rats a$$ about missing you. You are facing emotional abuse because of this mess - is he there to take care of you? To worry about your safety? NO! You are not worthless, he IS!! He is a coward. He is a liar. But, maybe, just maybe, he is giving you space to get on with your life?

Anyway, whatever the reason, IT DOESN'T MATTER. You matter to us. That you are okay matters to US. It matters to your kids. It matters to your H. Do you matter to you?

Do you know how worthless his fishing makes me feel?

Do you know how crazy making it is to know he still feels entitled to have us both? You don't know rage until you have heard the same old crap again, only this time you can hear it and realize you have heard it before - and how horrific when you realize that in the thick of the fog that BULL S(*T kept you in your place. He ain't saying anything new - the only difference is now I CAN REALLY HEAR WHAT HE IS TELLING ME. That he thinks I am still the self-loathing, insecure, self-degrading woman who I became in the A. He doesn't see my strength ... he sees a woman so broken down that I can't handle making eye-contact. IT IS STILL ALL ABOUT HIM!!!

Phew. Needed to vent I guess.

Good thing I am on my way to T.

I get on the phone to my BFF right after T - cause I know that I am in an emotional space when I leave.

((HUGS to ALL)

TU.LC/NC since April 14, 2010




Edited 5/19/2010 1:36 pm ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 11:20am

great post TU...I loved the last paragraph

KS,

I do not know that your exAP cares about you or not. Stop thinking he does not because he has not reached out to you. I did not hear from exap well over well 2 months. And I was miserable for about a month or two, everyone was getting fished at, I was lonely and miserable and really longing for a fishing attempt. I obsessed about it much like you...

He left me alone for a good while and then eventually came a fishing. It was not at all good. It was so bad in fact, I came her and posted about it. He was fishing like you crazy. I blocked and he still found ways to get thru, via email or alternate phone numbers.

And he never had anything good to say...oh it was good. BUT, it was all more lies. More pain, more second guessing. I did not even respond and I was still a mess. YOU DO NOT WANT HIM TO FISH. U think you do, but you do not. It virtually erases all your progress. It makes you doubt everything. Everything.

U said yourself that he broke promise after promise...why would you want to hear from him? There is nothing to be jealous of.

Also, these men think about us too. Perhaps in a sadistic way, but they do. They just do not act on it, we tend to. Thank your lucky stars he has left you be. Please hang in there. It is painful I know. He may care..I do not know, but perhaps he is trying to move on and/or let you heal.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 2:22pm

Thanks for setting me straight on thinking I wanted a fishing attempt from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Wed, 05-19-2010 - 3:09pm

Jane and TU,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2010
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 11:08am

Panda –


Kudos to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Thu, 05-20-2010 - 11:30am

Perfectly said, Magenta.

Pages