First Time On Any Message Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
First Time On Any Message Board
6
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 7:51pm

This is the first time I have ever been on any messageboard.
To tell you the truth, I am nervous; I just discovered these
messageboards a few months ago. I never thought I would be
here looking for some support. Is there somewhere I can go
to find rules, so I don't step on any toes or offend anyone?

No one, other than my friend and I even know we are seeing
eachother. I have been married for almost 28 yrs. and started
seeing him almost 2 yrs. ago. We work at different
companies and see eachother for business only about once a month.
But we talk daily. We live 50 miles apart and can't see eachother
very often. It almost seems unlikely that we would have ever
have even fallen in love. We tried to just be friends but I know
now, from reading messages from the Affair Support, that doesn't
last long. We knew each other for over a year before admitting
there was more between us. Between the 2 of us, we have over
60 yrs. of marriage. Before I met him, I had never even held
another man's hand or kissed another man other than my husband.

This is all I will say for the time being. I live in a very
small town (under 15,000) and am still very nervous. I guess what
I am looking for is assurance that I am doing the right thing by
seeking someone out there who may understand.

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 8:47pm

hi katie,

welcome to the board, there are rules and u can read them on the main page of this board

this is a board for people trying to end thier affair, although anyone is welcome to psot evenif they are not ending thier affair, i hope u find this board useful in finding whatever u are looking for

people here are very supportive and i have never seen anyone offend anyone, we all are here to listen and offer our advice, sometimes the advice is harsh but tells the truth coz sometimes we dont even see the truth coz we are blinded by our emotions and we live in that fantasy in our minds ( the affair)

take care,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 10:05pm

Thank you Max. I did get a chance to look at the information
after I posted. I am thinking of ending this affair. That is
why I am here. He is married and has been for over 30 years.
He has told me that the only thing preventing him from leaving
his wife is the 3 grand daughters that he adores. His biggest
fear is that if he left his wife, he wouldn't see those girls.
His fears were almost realized last year when his wife found
out about us and his son told him that if left her, he would
not see them. He is caught in this emotional blackmail and I
understand.

But the problem is I think he is seeing someone else besides me,
another woman at another company, a colleague of mine that we both know. I was at
an out of town seminar this past week with her. We were driving
home and my cell phone wouldn't work. She lent me hers and had it on
the "Dialed Calls" and I saw the last number she had called and it
was his. I recalled that as soon as we were out of the last meeting,
she dialed someone and I asked her when she hung up, "Everything ok
in the office?" She nodded yes. He doesn't work in her office. So
she had called him. There are business reasons why she could be talking to him
but why would she not admit it was him. I have had this feeling for a
long time that there was more than business with her too. In fact, she
introduced us.

I spoke with him after I dropped her off at her home but didn't mention
it to him at the time. He left today with his wife for the west coast for some national
recognition he is receiving and I didn't want to ruin that for him with my
suspicions. They are only suspicions but I am having very strong ones.
I will wait until he returns next week but it is so hard to pretend everything
is ok when I leave him messages. But I am good at pretending; I have been
pretending with my husband for this long. My husband is out of town right now; he
is retired and living in a warmer climate for health reasons during the winter
months while I can't retire for a few more years.

My husband is a wonderful, kind, compassionate person, but not a passionate person.
His has so much to be grateful for but his cup is always empty. I always felt he has, what I refer to as, the Elvis Presley sydrome. I heard Priscilla Presley say once that after she had their daughter, Lisa, Elvis didn't make love to her anymore. After I had our son, who is in his 20's now, he quit making love to me' I can count on one hand how many times in a year. I stuck it out all these years because he is good to me in every other way and this is my second marriage. My first husband was abusive,sexually, physically and emotionally. I vowed I wouldn't divorce again. And it wasn't all that bad. But until I met the OM (does that mean other man, that's what I have seen in postings), I didn't realize how much I had been missing. He has so much zest for life. And he makes me feel beautiful, smart, bright,and sexy and he makes me laugh.

I don't know what to do at this point. Should I be writing these concerns with the
Affair Board of Ending the Affair? I am so hurt and confused at this moment. Please
forgive me for this confusion.

Katie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 10:28pm

hi katie,

its ok, this is "ending an affair" board

pls dont hesitate to voice your emotions here or on any board that is related to your situation , people here are very helpful

it seems that your affair partner is having his cake and eating it also, i made this conclusion from what u have posted, i could be wrong

it seems that he is a womanizer, he is not only seeing u but also seeing your collegue

i know it is hard and confusing, your emotion is clouding your judgement and rationale , cant think straight, guilt and other emotions, affairs are build on lies and deceit, it is painful and very stressful

pls take care of yourself,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 11:12pm

I have done nothing but cry all weekend.
If it wasn't for my children, I could have easily have gone
to the garage and turned the car on and just gone to sleep. But don't
worry, I would not do that, I am just being dramatic now; it would hurt my children and I wouldn't do that to them.

Even if this affair ends, I am so grateful for knowing him. He has given
me so much confidence in myself that I never had. I guess it was the sexual
confidence that I lacked before knowing him. I have been thinking
this weekend that I need to see a counselor again. I have gone several times over my adult
life. The first time about 8 yrs. ago when I recalled memories I had
surpressed since I was 5 yrs. old. I was sexually molested by a relative.
I didn't know what was wrong with me growing up but knew something was
wrong. Despite all that has happened to me, I am a functioning, humorous,
responsible adult, a loving wife and mother. To the outside I am perfectly
normal; only a very few know how flawed I really am. But I must be a very strong
person to live through my childhood, a bad marriage and still be loved by
my family and admired by the people who work with and for me. That's why my
profile says my favorite quote is: What won't kill you will only make you stronger.

I don't know how I am going to talk to him; what I am going to say. I just know he is so persuasive and will justify why she called. I still love him; he has made me so happy but not right now. I thought of talking to her but if my suspisions are just that; I
don't want to ruin his reputation in her eyes and if they are true, I don't want
to hurt her too. She is a friend too, not a close friend, but through our works.
I am responsible for many million dollars of purchases a year. You are probably thinking how can a woman be so responsible be so foolish with her heart. I am emotionally exhausted and going to bed for tonight. I get up at 5:30 and have a lot
to catch up at work since I was out for 3 days last week on business.

Thank you again Max. I can't believe that someone who I don't know would take the time
to talk to me and help me, a stranger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 04-24-2005 - 11:34pm

katie,

anyone on this board would do the same thing as i did, i am simply paying it forward so to speak, returning the favor they have done for me

get some rest, crying is good but also very taxing on our emotions and we get physically tired

women and man are the same in some many ways and also different in so many ways and it is what makes us unique individuals

pls dont do anything harsh or anything that would hurt yourself or others, if u think it is helpful then seek professional help as well, talk to a confidant/friend, i come to this board because i have no one to talk to

i think u know in your heart that your affair has to end or else the cycle of pain will continue on, i would say that i dont have enough insights to tell u some advice, i too am suffering in my own way, there are other folks here that will give u some sound advice

patience

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 12:12am

K

Question you need to ask yourself is are you ready to trash a 28 year marriage with a good if not pefect man for a man that may be a serial cheater ??

Are you ready to destroy that good man for SEX, for the sake of feeling sexy and fun ?

How do you know his wife found out did she contact you or did he just tell you this, the reason I ask is because many many cheating husbands talk about leaving but almost all of them come up with a reason they can, they talk about leaving for the sole reason of stringing along the OW and never have any intention of leaving there wife.

Realisticlly would you realy expect him to leave after 30 years, to start all over again ??

My advice is to save your marriage by ending the adultery unless you like the idea of being old and alone because the large majority of husbands of cheating wives will devorce them out of hand and will not go to MC or anything else, men don't forgive this thing very well.

JMHO

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