first time here
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 07-13-2004 - 9:55pm |
I have been reading these boards for the past few weeks. I started out on the support board for those having an affair. Everyone seemed to talk about how their OM loved them, or claimed to love them. Mine never said that. In fact, I wouldn't let him use the words "make love" because I knew in my head it wasn't true. It had nothing to do with love for him. Then I switched to this board.
The other day I came across a message that really hit home. I talked about how women tend to get emotionally involved and men are simply trying to fill a void in their lives. I must have reread that post a half a dozen times. I kept thinking how my marriage really wasn't that bad, but I knew if I wanted it to be any better, I had to end things with MM. I need to put as much effort into my marriage as I put into my fantasy life.
I decided I needed to take a stand. I sent him an e-mail today(we shared an account). I told him that I was tired of being used to fill his void. I didn't want any ill feelings, after all I knew the reality of our relationship, and I told him this. After all, I was letting him use me. I needed to be strong. I needed to be the one to walk away, because it did't look like he was going to anytime soon. Why should he? He was having his cake and eating it too. It had been way to easy to be together.
At the end of the e-mail I asked him to change our password so I wouldn't be able to send/receive any messages. When I saw that he had done that, it was like a kick in the stomach. It was his way of saying that he agreed that we should end things.
On a final note...I work closely with him, it's unavoidable. It is a small office and it is going to be hard to avoid being alone together. I've considered leaving, looking for another job, but I would hate to leave a good paying job. Him and I were good friends before anything happened, before we crossed the line. I hope some day I'll be able to get my emotions and check and I'll be able to be friends with him.
I just needed a place to vent, to help get my emotions in check before I face him tomorrow at work. From here on out, it's a matter of taking things one day at a time.

You sound like you're in a pretty good place emotionally for this early into the end of your A. Yeah, it stings when its over. I reread your e-mail for evidence of your feelings for him. You ended it because you felt you were filling his "void," that he had no emotional attachment. I assume, since you are on this board and in pain, that you either had feelings for him or were starting to.
You're absolutely right about one thing: your M can't get any better as long as the A is going on. I didn't believe that, personally. My H and I had been separated for 2 years and I was devoting the bulk of my time and emotion to my XMM. I didn't realize that my A was draining all of my intimacy. I guess I looked at it this way: you have only so much love to give in a day. If you have kids, you dump alot of it out there. You give some up during the day to friends, family and coworkers. If you add an MM in there, you're probably completely emptied out by the time you finally see your H in the evening, IF you see your H in the evening. I found that when I hadn't squandered so much of my love with XMM during the day, I was actually anxious to give my H the love that I still had left at the end of the day. Does that make sense?????? Probably not... But you're absolutely right that your M won't improve as long as you're in an A.
The other interesting thing you recognized is that the A is just a fantasy. Most of us do eventually realize that. I was much less emotionally attached to XMM as a person; I was using the A as an escape. Being with XMM never included paying bills, cleaning the house, taking care of sick kids, etc. With XMM, I was always young, beautiful, provocative, funny. He got the very best of what I had to offer. It does take alot of energy to maintain this, and you're right, that if you put some of this energy into your M it can't help but get better.
I've been out of my A for almost 5 months now - can't believe it. My M has improved immeasurably since then. I still do have moments here and there of missing XMM and wondering what he's doing. I drive by his house occasionally. I dial his cell phone number and never push the "send" button. But I do those things only on the worst of days. The rest of the time, I'm pretty ok. It's amazing how you can make a decision that's good for you and stick with it, and life does get better. Hang in there and post here alot. The board seems to be pretty slow these days, but it picks up. Love, Mo.
I am so very proud of you for ending it. This shows strong character and resolve and know in your heart you did a terrific deed for yourself. There will be some difficult days ahead, but YOU can do this. I NEVER thought I would be where I am at today, and sweetie, it feels GOOD. Better than that hiding-behind-closed-doors-dirty-cheating-SEX. :)
Hang tough!
True
What is even harder than seeing him everyday, is he is trying to be his cute charming self. We used to have these little arguements, play arguements, that would turn into great sex. I'm trying to tell myself not to be mad at him. He's just trying to get some kind of attention. That's fine. I just have to be strong and stand my ground. After all, he agreed (at least through his actions) that this was best for both of us.
Thanks again...and I'll keep posting. It's very theraputic.
I'm glad that you were able to do this successfully!
My situation is much like yours in that we are both M and we
both know that this would never go anywhere. We just both felt tremendous chemistry with each other and I guess I decided to see where it would lead.
Anyway, I'm trying to end it. I thought I told him yesterday that I couldn't do this
anymore, but the more I look back I think he just took it to mean that I couldn't meet
him that day.
I'm going to try to be strong about it like you - thanks for the inspiration!
He is still trying to be friends. After all, we had worked together for several years before anything happened (he was in a different part of the company up until a few years ago). We make a good working team. We share similar ideas and goals. I think that is part of what fed the chemistry between us.
This is the time for you to be greedy, think of yourself first, be strong. I keep telling myself this. I've been trying to get in shape physically, started eating better, trying to exercise more; and I thought why should I bother doing all of those things when I will still caring around 175 pounds of dead weight...him! So, I'm turning over a new leaf, trying to think positive thoughts, trying to give my marriage a new spark, trying to be happy...for me.
Keep up the faith, stay strong...think Gloria Gainor..."I WILL SURVIVE!" And remember...you are worth it!