first time here

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
first time here
5
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 9:55pm
This is my first time here and the first time I've ever posted a message anywhere. This isn't exactly the kind of topic you can bring up with just anyone. I guess everyone has a story, so here's mine. I've been involved with someone at work for almost 2-1/2 years . My marriage had been shakey for quite some time and I desparately wanted attention. MM was there, giving it to me. What started out as innocent flirting led to something much more. It wasn't your typical "A" though. There weren't any secret phone calls. We never saw each other outside of the office. We both knew we had our own lives and we knew that this wasn't going to go anywhere. There were never any promises made. We both said we were just having a little fun and both thought we would eventually get bored with each other. Like I said, that was a long time ago. We always found time to be with each other.

I have been reading these boards for the past few weeks. I started out on the support board for those having an affair. Everyone seemed to talk about how their OM loved them, or claimed to love them. Mine never said that. In fact, I wouldn't let him use the words "make love" because I knew in my head it wasn't true. It had nothing to do with love for him. Then I switched to this board.

The other day I came across a message that really hit home. I talked about how women tend to get emotionally involved and men are simply trying to fill a void in their lives. I must have reread that post a half a dozen times. I kept thinking how my marriage really wasn't that bad, but I knew if I wanted it to be any better, I had to end things with MM. I need to put as much effort into my marriage as I put into my fantasy life.

I decided I needed to take a stand. I sent him an e-mail today(we shared an account). I told him that I was tired of being used to fill his void. I didn't want any ill feelings, after all I knew the reality of our relationship, and I told him this. After all, I was letting him use me. I needed to be strong. I needed to be the one to walk away, because it did't look like he was going to anytime soon. Why should he? He was having his cake and eating it too. It had been way to easy to be together.

At the end of the e-mail I asked him to change our password so I wouldn't be able to send/receive any messages. When I saw that he had done that, it was like a kick in the stomach. It was his way of saying that he agreed that we should end things.

On a final note...I work closely with him, it's unavoidable. It is a small office and it is going to be hard to avoid being alone together. I've considered leaving, looking for another job, but I would hate to leave a good paying job. Him and I were good friends before anything happened, before we crossed the line. I hope some day I'll be able to get my emotions and check and I'll be able to be friends with him.

I just needed a place to vent, to help get my emotions in check before I face him tomorrow at work. From here on out, it's a matter of taking things one day at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: overhim2
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:12pm
Welcome! I haven't been posting on this board too often lately, but the fine folks here got me thru the end of my A in February.

You sound like you're in a pretty good place emotionally for this early into the end of your A. Yeah, it stings when its over. I reread your e-mail for evidence of your feelings for him. You ended it because you felt you were filling his "void," that he had no emotional attachment. I assume, since you are on this board and in pain, that you either had feelings for him or were starting to.

You're absolutely right about one thing: your M can't get any better as long as the A is going on. I didn't believe that, personally. My H and I had been separated for 2 years and I was devoting the bulk of my time and emotion to my XMM. I didn't realize that my A was draining all of my intimacy. I guess I looked at it this way: you have only so much love to give in a day. If you have kids, you dump alot of it out there. You give some up during the day to friends, family and coworkers. If you add an MM in there, you're probably completely emptied out by the time you finally see your H in the evening, IF you see your H in the evening. I found that when I hadn't squandered so much of my love with XMM during the day, I was actually anxious to give my H the love that I still had left at the end of the day. Does that make sense?????? Probably not... But you're absolutely right that your M won't improve as long as you're in an A.

The other interesting thing you recognized is that the A is just a fantasy. Most of us do eventually realize that. I was much less emotionally attached to XMM as a person; I was using the A as an escape. Being with XMM never included paying bills, cleaning the house, taking care of sick kids, etc. With XMM, I was always young, beautiful, provocative, funny. He got the very best of what I had to offer. It does take alot of energy to maintain this, and you're right, that if you put some of this energy into your M it can't help but get better.

I've been out of my A for almost 5 months now - can't believe it. My M has improved immeasurably since then. I still do have moments here and there of missing XMM and wondering what he's doing. I drive by his house occasionally. I dial his cell phone number and never push the "send" button. But I do those things only on the worst of days. The rest of the time, I'm pretty ok. It's amazing how you can make a decision that's good for you and stick with it, and life does get better. Hang in there and post here alot. The board seems to be pretty slow these days, but it picks up. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to: overhim2
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 1:44pm
Your story WAS my story. I am still working here, still see him everyday, still having constant reminders of the last 4 years but now there is one element to the equasion that is missing. ME! I am so indifferent to this man now that I couldn't even tell you what he wore this morning before he left for a meeting. We are now 7 weeks into (NO sex) and I have also cut off the "let's sit and talk" nonsense that he kept pushing on me AFTER I ended it. Yes, you are so right. They had their cake and ate it too, but we were the jerks that kept replinishing the frosting! Our affair was all about sex these last 2 years. It started out all lovey dovey in 2000, but just like in any relationship, the honeymoon phase ends.

I am so very proud of you for ending it. This shows strong character and resolve and know in your heart you did a terrific deed for yourself. There will be some difficult days ahead, but YOU can do this. I NEVER thought I would be where I am at today, and sweetie, it feels GOOD. Better than that hiding-behind-closed-doors-dirty-cheating-SEX. :)

Hang tough!

True

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
In reply to: overhim2
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 3:48pm
Thank you for the supportive replies. Even though I only ended things with him officially two days ago, I'm beginning to feel a weight is lifting. I don't have any kids, but I did find I was always griping to my husband because he couldn't compare to how things were in my fantasy world. In my little world, it was like a steamy romance novel. In truth though, it was nothing like that. In the beginning of the relationship, I could go to MM when I wanted or needed attention. Towards the end it seemed as though I was always waiting for him to make a move. My head may seem pretty healthy, but my heart isn't. I knew I was developing feelings for him when I started to become jealous of him. I found myself snooping in his computer, reading any e-mails from his wife. I turned into something I didn't like. In the beginning he told me that he liked me because I was a strong and independant person. By the end of things, I became this weak and dependant person.

What is even harder than seeing him everyday, is he is trying to be his cute charming self. We used to have these little arguements, play arguements, that would turn into great sex. I'm trying to tell myself not to be mad at him. He's just trying to get some kind of attention. That's fine. I just have to be strong and stand my ground. After all, he agreed (at least through his actions) that this was best for both of us.

Thanks again...and I'll keep posting. It's very theraputic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: overhim2
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 7:56am
overhim2,

I'm glad that you were able to do this successfully!

My situation is much like yours in that we are both M and we

both know that this would never go anywhere. We just both felt tremendous chemistry with each other and I guess I decided to see where it would lead.

Anyway, I'm trying to end it. I thought I told him yesterday that I couldn't do this

anymore, but the more I look back I think he just took it to mean that I couldn't meet

him that day.

I'm going to try to be strong about it like you - thanks for the inspiration!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2004
In reply to: overhim2
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 8:48am
I know it is hard. Sometimes you have to spell it out to him. Make your wishes crystal clear...and then stick to them. Five minutes after I told my MM that I wanted to end it, I wanted to take it all back. I could see the words hanging out there like one of those cartoon balloons and I wanted to take a needle to it and pop it. I guess it hit me harder when he didn't disagree, he didn't fight me on my decision. That made me realise even more that it didn't mean anything to him.

He is still trying to be friends. After all, we had worked together for several years before anything happened (he was in a different part of the company up until a few years ago). We make a good working team. We share similar ideas and goals. I think that is part of what fed the chemistry between us.

This is the time for you to be greedy, think of yourself first, be strong. I keep telling myself this. I've been trying to get in shape physically, started eating better, trying to exercise more; and I thought why should I bother doing all of those things when I will still caring around 175 pounds of dead weight...him! So, I'm turning over a new leaf, trying to think positive thoughts, trying to give my marriage a new spark, trying to be happy...for me.

Keep up the faith, stay strong...think Gloria Gainor..."I WILL SURVIVE!" And remember...you are worth it!