first timer - i need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
first timer - i need help!
11
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 9:16pm
I have been checking the board on and off for about a year now. I have finally come to the realzation i need to end my EMA. It is an addiction that is hard to come to grips with. I truly think I love my OM, who is 11 years younger than I, but the reality of the situation is that I don't think things will really work out between us. I have been married for almost 15 years, have 3 wonderful daughters and am totally questioning why I am still married. I think my H is on to what has been going on for the last 10 months with OM, but is in denial. H is for the most part a very loving, kind, decent man. He says he loves me and I believe it. I wish I could be more in love with him. I think I could if I knocked off the relationship with my OM. I know rationally the best thing to do is to end my A, but I am struggling every waking moment to end it. How do I stop? I have read so many messages on the board from other people who were able to start the process of ending their A's. Please, someone, give me some words of wisdom to learn from. My T tells me that I am on the right track to break this off, but knows how difficult it will be. I need to replace OM with something? Another friend? Preferably not male so their is no temptation - lol. Any advice you can share would be much appreciated at this critical turning point. I am trying so hard not to give in to making contact with OM. A few days seems like an eternity!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 10:02pm

Trixie

If your husband is the nice guy he seems from your post I suggest that everytime you ge the urge to call XOM that you respond to that urge by calling or spending time with your husband, start to invest more and more of yout time and affections in him and your family, create a new habit or reflex, alot of what we think of as addiction in affairs is little more then HABIT, habits should not be simply broken they should be replace with something better like focusing and investing in a good spouse or family.

Be prepare for WITHDRAWL type symptoms and to through the Grieving process.

Remove opportunity to slip up in moments of weakness (you will have them)by closeing all possible channels of communications such as block his e-mails IMS or closes accounts he knows about is better yet, have your phone company block calls from all his phone numbers and all unknown numbers.

Be proactive in closing your life off to him permantly.

Last but not least address the reasons you chose to do this, there are always reasons and the reasons are about us not our spouse or even the OM, we do the things we do because we are getting some sort of pay off, BTDT twice myself.

Good luck

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 10:25pm

Thanks for the advice. I am already feeling really bad/sad. I feel a lot of sadness. I know this is going to be hard, but I know I will be better off for ending this. My hope is to end this A, examine my M and decide if I should remain married. I don't want to end my M with some glimmer of hope that I will have a relationship with OM. If I am going to end it - I want it to end because it was truly not working, not because I am distracted with OM. After I posted this I removed OM from buddy list and email. I just hope I feel as strong tomorrow. I will try to redirect my impulse to have contact with him to something more positive - thanks for the insight!

Trixie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 12:50am

Your post really caught my eye. I too am a lurker and have been wondering the same thing for a long time. I'm a MW, involved with a single OM for nine months. I too have a very good dh. A kind, caring, and decent man who would do anything in the world for me. He and I have had a mostly brother/sister relationship for years. Very good friends but the passion spark went out long ago. To be honest I'm not sure it was ever really there. When we dated and married, I recognized his good qualities then. I knew he'd be conscientious and reliable which he has been.

Which brings me to the fact that I didn't go out looking for an EMA. I'd never had an EMA in over 20 years of marriage. Always said I never would and I firmly believed it. With my OM though there was an instant connection. Chemistry, fireworks like I had never experienced! I was into the EMA within a month of meeting. Shocked at myself. Certainly didn't think any of it through.

I now realize the EMA was really all about ME. Not OM like I had thought. Getting older bothered me. I realize now I was feeling unsure of my attractiveness. (I've never been beautiful but have been told all my life that I'm pretty. Sort of took it for granted.) I know all of this makes me sound very shallow, but I hadn't really analyzed what was going on in my head. Here was this OM telling me how gorgeous, smart, and sexy I was! Things I hadn't heard from dh in years. I fell overboard! I guess it was just a line (duh..) but with the chemistry between us, it was an explosion waiting to happen. And it did.

To be honest, I have loved every minute of the attention he has given me! Makes me feel like Cinderella. Yet, the guilt has eaten me alive. I knew I was doing wrong no matter how I tried to justify it. I knew exposure of the EMA would destroy my dh, my children, and extended family. As well as MYSELF! (Yes, I'm selfish.) None of them would ever think me capable of such a thing. So therefore, no one was checking up on me. I've been lucky but I knew luck can run out. Unforeseen things happen. Plus, the guilt always there. Knew I couldn't keep doing this much longer. I too wondered HOW do I get out?!!

Even though OM realizes that we've both been participating in lying and deception, we do care deeply for each other. I couldn't imagine my life without him. Plus, I didn't want to hurt him. He didn't deserve to be treated like trash either. Here he was even talking about wanting to marry me someday when I knew I didn't want to leave my marriage.

So I gradually began dropping hints to OM. Told him this was tearing me up inside. That I didn't know what to do. That the stress of leading a double life was destroying me. We talked about it for several weeks and he finally had enough. Told me I had to make a decision. Him or my dh. I couldn't have both anymore. I told him I couldn't hurt my dh, so he said we had to do the right thing and end it. He said it was too risky for me and he didn't want to see me hurt. Plus it was tearing HIM up inside having to play second-fiddle.

This past Friday was the day. We spent the afternoon together and he forced the issue. It was very painful! We set the condition that we could contact each other if we felt desperate, but otherwise, we would go on our paths alone. He told me if anything ever changed in my life (divorce or death of my dh) to give him a call. He did say that whenever he saw me in passing, he would speak and hoped I would too. "We've been too close for too long to end up hurting each other like that." I agreed.

We parted with a hug and I actually felt mostly relief at that point. It was over at last. No more sneaking around or lying. I was okay too for the weekend although by Sunday I was starting to feel a little jittery. Today was horrible! Worst than anything I could have imagined ever. I cried and cried all day. I felt like a druggie in hard-core withdrawal. All I could think is that I'd never kiss his lips again, get those big bear hugs, or experience again the incredible sex we shared. I was a complete mess.

I felt I HAD to contact him. Couldn't keep myself from text-messaging him. I told him I knew we were doing the right thing but I missed him so much. He called me and when he heard me crying, he told me to be strong. Said this was the decision we both agreed on and we had to go forward. Staying in the affair was no longer an option for either of us. I ended up texting him again, thanking him for all he did for me, telling him how much he meant to me and that I'd never forget him. He called again and asked me to meet him. I was there in no time! (So much for my relief that it was over...)

He was the strong one again. While I cried, he very logically analyzed the situation. Again, told me that although he loved me too, we had to put this behind us and go on with our lives. He said we could chat when we saw each other if I wanted to, but he didn't think we should be calling or texting. He said he'd keep the door open, hoping someday I might be free. But I don't expect him to wait for me. And I told him that. We both apologized for hurting each other (by getting involved in the first place.) He said if he had known where this was going to end, he would never have done it. It hurts too bad.

When we prepared to part this time,I knew of course, that kissing him was out of the question, but I did ask him for a good-bye hug. He refused, saying it wasn't something he could handle. Said maybe a year down the road we could hug as friends but not now. That was an incredible sting for me as we've never parted without a hug. Never.

I've cried almost non-stop since I saw him this afternoon. I'm a basket case. I will eventually get through this I know, and someday I'll feel better. Then I will be genuinely relieved to have all of this behind me. I'll be able to live without the lying and deception, and try to put myself back together again. To live my life in an honest way. The pain now though is unbelievable. I never dreamed it would be this hard, but this is the price I have to pay to get myself on the right track again. It will be so hard because I know in the days and weeks ahead I will be tempted to call or text him again. I hope though that my memory of what he said and how he acted today will keep me from doing that. I'm glad he was the strong one, but I don't want to look pathetic or needy to him again. Plus, I really and truly do in my HEAD want this to be over with. It's just my heart that doesn't understand!! I read something one time that said we're not punished FOR our actions as much as we are punished BY our actions. I think I finally understand what that means. My actions have led to my pain. A punishment for sure.

It's a hard road to go down, believe me! I will keep you in my thoughts and wish for you the best as you try to figure out what to do. (Hope you do better than I'm doing!) Please continue to post as I will be lurking and looking for your updates. I'll be glad to be a sounding board for you if you need it...

Michele

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 7:57am

Michele -

Thanks for your reply. I feel so incredibley sad this morning. The first thing I did was check my cell phone and email to see if he left me any messages. Nothing. I know that is a good thing, but I am so down. I love him so much and I wish I could be with him but that is not where my head tells me I should be. I need to be here with my kids and my H. I feel your pain. You are so lucky to have such a strong willed OM who knows this is the right thing. I am very weak and vulnerable right now and feel like caving in. I think if he were to make contact or ask to see me I would definitly jump at the chance. I will think of you and the others on the board today as I try to make it through day. It is comforting to know that there are others out there who share my same emotions. If I knew it was going to be this hard to stop, I would have never started my A.

Thanks,
Trixie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 9:44am

I read your post last night and my heart has been crying out to you ever since.You sound so much like where I was at 2 years ago. I woke up this AM resolved to try and reach out to you (and I think reinforce my own renewed decision to abandon the “shadow life” of my Affair.).

We deserve more than the temporary relief that an A gives us. Yes, it may fulfill our immediate need for instant gratification and we may indeed justify it by convincing ourselves that it actually provides the missing piece that helps us stay in our marriage – YAH – believe it or not, that is how I was able to live with what I have been doing with my OM for the past SEVEN years….

I endured countless hours of lies, gut wrenching experiences of guilt, moments of complete terror caused my near moments of discovery, continuing fear of being “outed” at the whim of others who have come to know and for WHAT….. an easy FIX! All those years wasted because I have been a COWARD! I have used my A to avoid dealing with the real issues in my marriage. I have accepted counterfeit pleasures instead of authentic joy. Finally I am finding the courage to say I refuse to continue living half a life.

This is not the first time I have attempted to end it. I also tried 2 years ago but after three short months I took the easy way out again. OM and I tried to maintain a “friendship” – HAH – as if – after the crutch that we have been for each other all these years….just like giving candy to a baby! This time it was my OM who took the initiative to end it and I think this is the ego-slap that I needed to recognize just how little control that I had over my own life.

I have turned to this Board (and others) for support. Below is a quote from a response that I read on another site to someone who was afraid to end her A because she was reading so much about the pain of withdrawal:

There is empowerment as well as crying. There is honor as well pain. There is hope as well as hopelessness....it goes along with the feeling of taking charge of your life and your future. One of the hallmarks of addiction...even addiction to an affair...is that you have this HUGE sense of helplessness and lack of control.

I KNOW I am READY for the PAIN – are YOU? Have you had enough of the shadow life? Isn’t it time that you honoured yourself with an authentic way of life that you can share in the full light of day with your H, your children, your parents, your friends, your community, your spirituality….

I know I am starting to sound like I am writing a sermon- believe me, I am talking to myself as much as I am reaching out to you. Maybe it would be helpful if you were to write a similar exercise and fully examine all the reasons why you are currently considering ending you’re A – you wouldn’t be here at this site if you truly wanted to continue.

I hope you don’t mind if I share with you the last e-mail contact with my OM. In all my human frailty, with the strength of learning from others here and through reaching out for professional assistance I pray that this time it really is the END.

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I will always love you, forever & beyond. The happening of "us" has challenged me to always question the status quoi, to look beyond the "expected" and what society views as "right". There is something missing in my marriage and I will try to see if it can make it work. If I can't, I hope I can walk away and someday find what what we had together with someone I can have with me 24/7.

I like to feel that I am so strong but tonight I am crying like a baby. Not so much for the loss of "us" but perhaps for my fear of the future. I've never before lived out on my own, all alone. Somehow I feel very deep inside that it is inevitable for me. Perhaps you came into my life to keep me here, present with my family just a little bit longer. I don't know. Time will tell.....

Thank you for being so strong and making the call. I know I have tried before but it feels very different to me when you are the one saying it is time. Maybe it is an ego issue. Sometimes life has a way of coming out of left field and slapping you in the face.

I think I really should look into a therapist to try and understand what makes me tick. Anyway this will be my last e-mail. I am now going to close this account. I don't think I can keep reaching out to you and make our (*OM and I’s) divorce work. I hope you find what you are looking for -may your family be all you need for the rest of your life.....
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FP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 10:13am

I think I can say I really DO understand a LOT of how you're feeling right now. Knowing in your head that you need to do the right thing. Knowing your responsibilities. Knowing your mind should be on your family. I feel the same way exactly. Yet my head and heart are a million miles apart.

I too am obsessively checking the email and phone for text messages. I see now just how much time this really did consume. Time that belonged to my family. Time that should have been spent on the people who will always be there for me. My family and old friends have gotten the leftovers of my time all these months because I've been too busy with OM. With a full-time job, plus family and house I 'should' have been caring for, I did not have the time for this EMA. I have truly robbed them of something that can never be replaced.

That's just one of the many truths that's hitting me hard. At the very time that I'm so very down. I agree with you - if I'd known the pain that would be involved in ending it, I would never have gotten involved. It IS worse than any addiction! OM has filled so many of my needs. Yes, the affection and sex have been wonderful but the thing I will miss the most is just the attention. How he smiled when he looked at me - the genuine interest in what I was saying. We had many deep conversations and hit it off on so many levels. He becane my best friend. I reminded him yesterday that he and I have talked to each other almost every day for nearly a year. Now, nothing?! That will be so hard to adjust to.

I am glad though I got to see him again yesterday. Although it was painful, we did get to clear the air and speak our feelings. He was firm but not mean at all. Very kind in fact. I told him I'd always care about him. That I never meant to hurt him. I had never been in an EMA before and had no idea what I was getting into. Told him that I followed my heart to him, not the logic in my head. The logic that says I can't leave my dh after all these years. Dh has done nothing to deserve this.

Although he wouldn't give me a hug, he made it plain that he loved me very much too. We both apologized for the pain we had brought to each other's life, yet were able to express our gratitude to each other for the good memories we shared. He said, "It's been incredible!" and shook his head smiling. So we did have some sense of closure and parted on as good a note as we could. Still, watching him turn and walk away from me was agony. No, I wouldn't have gotten into this if I could have seen how this would end. I don't know WHAT I was thinking through all these months. Couldn't let go and yet struggled with the guilt. That's as far as I got with it everyday. So yes, I'm glad it's finally come to a resolution. I know I'll get to the other side but whew, it's like walking through fire!

I know I'm rambling and repeating myself now. So I'll close by wishing you the best today. I have to be away from the Board all day but I will be sharing your feelings more than you know!

So weird to know this is it. Relieved but overwhelmingly sad. It's really over...

Michele

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 10:17am

Thank you for me too! Your post is awesome! I don't have time right now to say what I want to you as I have to get out the door in just a few minutes. But I did want you to know that I appreciate every word you've written here. Thanks for sharing your experience! This struggle is one of the worst things I've ever gone through in my life...

Michele

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 4:39pm

Hi Michelle and Trixie,
Haven't heard from you for a while. How goes the battle? I am finding it so helpful to share my progress (and ocassional setbacks too) and encourage you both to come back and keep us posted. I feel like we've been cast away together in the middle of raging storm at sea and are sharing the same lifeboat.......

Hope you are finding strength and glimpses of peace along your journeys.

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 3:55am

Thank you so much for asking! That is so thoughtful of you especially considering what all YOU'RE going through yourself. I've been following your story and my heart hurts for you too. Although our situations are different, it's all so hard, isn't it?

Mine is a big mess. I'm trying really hard and am determined NOT to go back. However, my OM has turned out to be a little different than what I had thought. I guess I really HAD made this into the love story of all times. I had thought he was being really thoughtful to want to end the A too. You know - doing the right thing and all. I think now it was nothing more than a manipulation move. Trying to get me back into it even MORE firmly. I had been telling him for quite a while how bad I felt about being in the A, so I believe now he thought by telling me HE wanted to end it too that I would regret my words, take them all back, and return to him. I think he was actually so sick of hearing about my guilty conscience that he thought I'd beg him to take me back. Then it would be smooth sailing ahead at last. At least, that's what I now think he was doing.

He calls and texts me constantly. I DID see him briefly last week. He begged me to come back. Said he missed me terribly. That he was really depressed. Even threatened to go back to smoking again (which he quit last year, and he knows I despise!) When I expressed dismay about that, he said, "Well, what does it matter anyway? Nothing matters without you in my life. I might as well go on and start smoking again!" Last night he texted, "This is NOT working! Was this your bright idea? This is BS!" I texted back to him that this was BOTH our idea because we didn't want to hurt anyone else, and that if we DO keep it up, we WILL hurt others as well as ourselves!

I DO care about him and always will. However, I KNOW I don't want to go back into the A. I want to like myself again. I want to respect myself. I DO wish there was a way that he and I could stay friends but I just don't see how. I don't want to hurt him. Certainly don't want him to start smoking again. But I think he may be trying to manipulate me in any way possible. I really have a hard time saying no to anyone about anything. Need someone for anything, just call me! I hate to hurt other people's feelings. This though is just too important for me to cave in. I WON'T do it.

There's a part of me that is afraid that he will maybe do whatever he thinks he has to do to get me to come back to him. I'm afraid he won't give up as easily as he first indicated. I've already told him that if my dh does find out about the A, I would be so upset that I don't think I'd be a good friend to anyone, least of all to him. He seemed genuinely surprised. Really seemed to throw him for a loop. Said he thought for sure we'd end up together if I got divorced. He looked at me just a little differently. Scares me some - I'm not sure he would be a good person to have as an enemy.

I pray everyday that God will show me how to get out of this safely. I know I don't deserve any mercy but I sure pray for it anyway! Lol... All I say is, "God, I've learned my lesson! Help me get out of this, please!!"

Thanks again for asking! I hadn't been posting because I felt like I was such a drag on everyone else here. I know I sound like a big whiner...

Good luck to you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!

Michele

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 7:08am

Hi Michelle,
I definitively do not think you are a whiner. You are a courageous woman who regrettably made a choice to enter into an affair. Just like me you are left with some questions to answer about what in your psyche propelled you to be vulnerable to this situation. Are you able to nurture yourself and find the self-validation that you received from your XOM within yourself AND within your marriage? What needs to change in your life?

I am afraid for you. Your XOM sounds like he is playing games with you. Is it likely that he could continue to pursue to such an extent that your H will become aware of the A?

Please continue to post. All of our stories are important. I find that even though are situations may be a little different, each is a learning opportunity. For example, after reading your update has sure made me appreciate how my XMM is honouring my NC request. I can now see how much more difficult it would be if this was not the case.

Sorry, I hope that didn’t sound insensitive i.e that I am benefiting from your pain. Hopefully some aspects of my story can do the same for you.

ARTIST

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